Does Eliot Spitzer Have an STD? NFL Picks That Are Sure to Enflame

Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse more stories
Does Eliot Spitzer Have an STD? NFL Picks That Are Sure to Enflame

As shown by my shameless campaign for readers with my headline, the NFL draft is less than two weeks away. What does this mean? Someone is going to draft a player way too high. Some big-name players are going to be big time busts, someone's fan base is going to be booing heavily throughout the draft and some GM is going to be out of a job this time next year.

In my mind there are three fan bases that you don't mess with: the guys from New York, for obvious reasons (they would boo anyone), the fans from Philly (See McNabb, Donovan) and the nut jobs from New England (because winning gets to people's heads).

Realistically, the Jets need some defense or a quarterback. Frankly, allowing 38 points to the Patriots is a bigger concern in my mind than Pennington's noodle arm. After all, anyone can disguise the noodle arm, but disguising a pathetic defense is a tough job. 

Now wouldn't it be freaking hilarious if Eric "I'm a dirt bag rat and tattletale" Mangini decided to draft Doug Legursky of Marshall? If you're wondering "who the hell is Doug Legursky?" you're not alone. In fact, I had no idea who he was until I found him on NFL.com. Apparently he's a three year starter on the offensive line at Marshall, playing primarily center. Can you imagine the boos if this happened? I would probably die laughing. Also, this would serve Mangini right for being such a dirt bag rat bastard.

As for the Philadelphia Eagles, they need a receiver as badly as Eliot Spitzer needs an STD test. Most "experts" recommend someone like Malcolm Kelly. But I say, go for the diamond in the rough, pick someone no one is really sure of. After all, isn't that how Jerry Rice got his big break? So if I was the GM of the Eagles, I would take Travis Brown out of the University of New Mexico. Sure he's a little raw, but he's got more upside than anyone in the draft today. I like how he looks. He looks good, real good.

Many a person will say that the Patriots cheated last year. My response, "if you ain't cheatin' you probably aren't tryin' all that hard." In their defense, how could the Pats have won the Super Bowl in 2001 without cheating? Seriously, tell me. The Rams were really good. And no one on that Patriot team was even decent, besides maybe Tom Brady. I mean Jermaine Wiggins? Really? As my ol' grandpa used to say if you can't win with garbage, use some crafty camera angles.

But back to the draft needs, the Patriots really need a linebacker. Like imagine if you were in the desert for three years and there was no food or water. Now imagine not having any chicks there with you. How lonely would you get? Imagine that loneliness times 100. That's how badly the Patriots need a linebacker.

Everyone says Belichick is a draft genius. Would they still say that if the Minutemen of New England picked Kyle Wright, a QB out of Miami with the seventh pick? On the one hand, Wright would probably die of a heart attack if he found out that he was drafted by the Patriots in the first round. On the other hand, millions of fans in New England would probably suffer the same fate. Also, there's a 95 percent chance that Tom Brady would interrupt his honeymoon and go on a rampage across Foxboro.

So if you were to ask me which one I want to happen more, I'd tell you that they would all be great choices and choosing one would be like choosing between the children I'll probably never have (thanks a lot, Courtney Choser of Douglass Elementary). Which one would you like to see happen?

 

Load More Stories

Follow B/R on Facebook

Out of Bounds

NFL

Subscribe Now

We will never share your email address

Thanks for signing up.