James Harrison: Devil Worshipper?

Matt MCorrespondent IMay 21, 2009

PITTSBURGH - JANUARY 11:  James Harrison #92 of the Pittsburgh Steelers comes out of the tunnel as he takes the field against the San Diego Chargers during their AFC Divisional Playoff Game on January 11, 2009 at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Steelers won 35-24.  (Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

As James Harrison addressed the media following team training activities, he attempted to justify his refusing of President Obama’s White House invitation. 

As he explained, “If the Cardinals won the Super Bowl, Obama could have just as easily invited Arizona to the White House”.

Yes James, and if I marry a girl, I can just as easily bring her to her family dinners.

Like the Chicago Cubs failing to win the World Series, it is an annual American tradition for the Super Bowl-winning team to visit the White House following their triumphant victory.

After subtly explaining why he chose a life of professional football over law school, his argument began to take a turn for the sacrilegious. 

As Harrison clarified, “James Harrison isn’t going to the White House, he must be a devil worshipper."

Most analysts chuckled and disregarded the comment as mere comical exaggeration.

Not this self-proclaimed paranormal sports “expert”.

In an attempt to justify his non-attendance during the team White House visit, Harrison explained that he never accepted a White House invitation in the past. 

As he argued, “If it wasn’t a big deal then, then why is it a big deal now?”. 

What Harrison was trying to allude to was the fact that the sudden media exposure and attention he received following his unprecedented performance created a double standard.

Coming out of nowhere as a practice squad and NFL Europe journeyman to a Pro Bowl pass rusher, Harrison has achieved a slightly bigger profile.

So I ask you, where did James Harrison come from?

Does this bigger profile include horns?

Players don’t just become NFL superstars overnight.  They do it through birthing, substance abuse, and years of bad off-field decisions.

I know what you’re thinking.

If Harrison hasn’t taken the Burress school of gun safety nor birthed more children than the Brady Bunch, then how did he do it? 

Something isn’t right. 

It wasn’t the college summer he spent working with Rhett Bomar, nor the “calming presence” of Ricky Williams.

Foul satanic play must be involved.

Further investigation was performed...

Take his jersey number.  Now flip it upside down. Remove the two.  You'll see what clearly resembles a six.

Now take the number three, the number of games Harrison started in during Pittsburgh's 2005-2006 Super Bowl season. 

What does 6, written out three times resemble...

Shocking, I know.

In what was most likely a deal with the devil, Harrison attained these, dare I say, Satan-given abilities.

You be the judge…


Tune in next week for Animal Planets’ “The Dog Silencer: A Look Into Michael Vick’s Home Confinement”.