EPL Final Weekend: Don't You Just Love This Scrap?

David JacobsCorrespondent IMay 21, 2009

NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, ENGLAND - MAY 16:  Newcastle manager Alan Shearer gestures during the Barclays Premier League match between Newcastle United and Fulham at St James'  Park on May 16, 2009 in Newcastle upon Tyne, England.  (Photo by Jamie McDonald/Getty Images)

If there was an award right now called "stating the bloody obvious", I'd win it with this piece, but I felt like writing about it anyway. Stay and read.

Don't go hurting my feelings now...

(Don't go breakin' ma heart...
La la la la laaa...)


Here I am breaking down both the proxy battles and the mini-leagues which have developed during this season. The FA are yet to confirm them as legitimate leagues for the future though.

Let's do it how I'd do a beautiful woman—Start at the top and work our way down to the good stuff!

Top Four

This mini-league got a bit smaller as time went on. It went from the usual four teams of Manchester United (eventual champions for the second time in a row), Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal to three and then...

Two in the bed and the Scottish one said, 'Roll over'.

After all the mind games, word wars and computer software wizardry (I shall get to that in a moment), Manchester United came up trumps once again to claim the title for two seasons running. Liverpool and Manchester United both relied on each other's opponents to win against...well...each other.

Tottenham Hotspur had Ferguson running scared at Old Trafford for 45 whole minutes.
A feat probably only ever surpassed by his wife.

However, they regained their spark in the second half and won 5-2 with a little help from his friends (time for a beatles song!), but I won't go into the 5-2 victory now.
I did it for a week already. You had to be there.

Liverpool were battered by a struggling Middlesbrough team at the Riverside as well.
But it wasn't enough to keep Middlesbrough out of the relegation battle.

Chelsea had a good season under Guus ('Guussshh' in Dutch) Hiddink.
They have an FA Cup Final to look forward to this month.

In the words of Guussshh Hiddink himshelf...

"I'm vury exshited about the FA Cup Final at Wembley Shtadium.
There'll be shum good football, good playersh and Drogba will be the team'sh shpearhead. He'sh good boy, He'sh good boy..."

Arsenal...I could go on for ages about their season. Cup-tied Arshavin,
the lop-sidedness of the squad while the best players are injured, the surprise on my face when I heard that Wenger is still wanted at Emirates by the Board of Directors but only allowed to spend £13million this summer.

I could say haaa haaaaaa for winning nothing after making fun of Spurs ending up with nothing this season, but I'm much nicer than that...

So I gave those 57,000 Arsenal flags a loving home out of the goodness of my heart.
Severely mistreated and were only taken outside for 12 minutes before they were beaten and abused by their owners through no fault of their own.
Please pledge just 50p a week to sponsor one today!

Ok I'll stop now.

Europa League/UEFA Cup Battle ('The Battle Of Seventhplace')

Whatever happens to the four teams who may/may not get a place in the
Europa League next season, Everton are safely in that tournament next season whether or not they beat Fulham.

The lowest they can drop to is 6th place should Aston Villa defeat Newcastle on Sunday.

If Aston Villa beat Newcastle while Everton lose to Fulham, they will go to fifth place with 62 points.

Fulham will be at home to Everton this weekend. They cannot go higher than seventh place if they beat or draw with Everton but will still be given a place in the Europa League and keep Tottenham Hostpur out of it...just about.

If Tottenham Hotspur can stand their ground when they travel to face the League Runners-up Liverpool and win while Fulham lose, they will take seventh place and go above Fulham with only one point to spare.

Goal difference will not give Tottenham seventh place even if Fulham draw and Spurs win.

Also, on a personal note, knowing Fulham's tenacious campaign and tremendous heart shown this season, it would seem unlikely and almost cruel if they were to lose and Spurs were to win away at Liverpool all in one afternoon.

Although, it would make one hell of a headline if Spurs were to knick a
Europa League place this weekend. It would be one of the greatest revivals in its history.

Slumping to 20th place behind West Brom and then slowly but surely rising up the table until they got to eighth place? I'd like to see another team do that!

Relegation Battle

Five teams got themselves into this mess and only two of them will be able to get themselves out of it, but West Brom aren't one of them. It's a shame for them because they still fought to the end and as a result have only lost their battle through goal difference (West Brom = -31, Newcastle = -18).

If West Brom won against Blackburn and Newcastle lost to Aston Villa, both Toontown and the Baggies will have 34 points but the goal difference would keep Newcastle up.

If Newcastle won, they would be out of the drop zone.

That is unless Sunderland beat Chelsea at the Stadium of Light taking them to 39 points so that they can't be caught by Hull City. The Tigers will have to defeat the
2nd string team that Fergie has mentioned earlier this week.

If they do, both Newcastle and Middlesbrough will go down with West Brom.

To wrap this up nicely, if Sunderland and Hull City both win their matches, the three teams currently in the bottom three places will still go down, no matter what happens.
And if they don't, you'll see a funny little game of football league leapfrog.
I call it Leaguefrog.

The End...?


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