NFL Offseason: You Can't Make This Stuff Up

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NFL Offseason: You Can't Make This Stuff Up
(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

The period between the draft and training camp (known to you laymen as late spring / early summer) is usually the driest period of the year for football writers.

Usually.

Thanks to a consortium of morons, writers are burning up their fingers trying to keep up with the hollow-headed hijinks of players, owners, agents, and executives.

 

Hell No, I Won't Go!

...to the White House, that is. Oddly, Pittsburgh Steelers' LB James Harrison is refusing to accompany his coaches and teammates to a ceremony at the White House in their honor.  It is tradition for the president to invite the Super Bowl champions to a luncheon to commemorate their achievement.

Harrison has refused to go, stating, "I don't feel like it's that big a deal to me." He also diminished the gravity of the trip by saying if Arizona would have won, they'd be going.

I find it an embarrassment that this man, who has no problem lining his pockets with lots of American currency in one of the leanest economic climates in world history, would turn his back to the president while his country was trying to honor him.

You don't make statements in times like these by stepping off, Mr. Harrison. You make them by stepping up.

We need heroes. You are a zero. Move to Mexico and do us all a favor.

 

Bears, Jets Don't Fear Smoking Gun

I know the Bears gave away a lot to land quarterback Jay Cutler, but is this what it has come to? Plaxico Burress? Do they know that he is going to jail for at least a year?

The New York Jets have expressed interest, too. They're dumber. They live in the same house as the Giants, who cut Burress in March.  Don't you think the Giants would have kept him if they thought he could play this year?

Anyone who thinks he's not going away is a fool. Burress will not play in the NFL in 2009 and possibly 2010. That means he won't catch another pass until 2011 when he is 34 years of age.  The Bears and other teams have to move forward.  Forget Burress.

This is all a ruse by his agent, anyway. Drew Rosenhaus is trying to get someone to sign Burress before he goes to prison so he can get paid. What a shock.

When Burress becomes eligible to play again, I'd advise the team that signs him to make sure he understands the state handgun laws.

 

Ochocinco = Ridiculoso

I really don't care what anyone calls himself, but in the case of Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, it's, well, become ridiculous.

Johnson recently changed his name to Chad Jevon Ochocinco. The reason? His uniform number is 85, which Johnson translated into Spanish as 'ocho cinco'. The only problem is that the number 85 in Spanish is pronounced ochenta y cinco, not ocho cinco.

This genius has bastardized two languages in order to suit his egotistical quest. I think by year's end Bengal fans will request his name be changed from Ochocinco to Perro due to his declining performance. Perro, by the way is Spanish for 'dog'.

 

Favre Seeking Another Sequel

Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, the Blob, Star Trek, and Brett Favre.  That is the list of things I thought had gone away but just won't stop coming back.

There are rumors that Favre is considering having his bicep repaired at the same lab that turned Col. Steve Austin into the $6 Million Man. Then the Minnesota Vikings will sign him and place him under center. Are things that bad in Minnesota that they have to bring this guy in? 

Brett Favre's comebacks were riveting the first seven times. I'm not sure the eighth time will be a charm.

What's it going to take to keep this guy at home? A silver bullet? A wooden stake through the heart?  Enough is enough.

 

Hail To the Redskins

The Washington Redskins were pleased that their name and logo is still valid. A small group of Native Americans lost their 17-year disparagement suit against the club this past week. The group claimed the Redskins' trademark logo was racist. A judge canned the case because of a lapse of time.

Redskins executives were elated with another proud moment in team history. 

Citizen Owens

Terrell Owens ("T.O."), the team-wrecking, quarterback-killing, egotist that moonlights as an NFL wide receiver, arrived in Buffalo this week.  The new Bill was awarded the key to the city by the mayor.

Owens snuck into Buffalo inconspicuously with his entourage and a camera crew from VH1. Yeah, this is going to go really well...he said he plans to attend every one of the team's mini-camps and OTAs.

Isn't that decent of him?

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