MLB's Drug Plan, Lampooned

Craig ShoreyContributor IMay 17, 2009

PHILADELPHIA - OCTOBER 27:  Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig listens to a question from the media after explaining the rules involved with suspending game five of the 2008 MLB World Series between the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays till 8:00 pm (EST) on October 28 at the earliest of the Philadelphia Phillies at a press conference on October 27, 2008 at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

In response to all the dirty little drug secrets that are now muddying up the records and play of baseball, MLB may want to consider a new approach to dealing drugs.


Alex Rodriguez and Many Ramirez could represent their leagues as public spokesmen for the positive uses of performance enhancing drugs if the new plan happens.


While all of the duties for this position might be unclear, it would mostly include sharing with other players the benefits of performing well in large markets and how to mess with Boston Red Sox fans.


The new proposed plan would allow teams and their doctors to determine which stimulates to allow their players to use and how. 


According to Jose Canseco many teams have been piloting this program for years and now it is ready to be perfected.


The Blues Jays and the Mets have already adapted their possible plan from a thesis written by Brian McNamee while getting his degree online.


The plan proposed includes among other things, instructing team trainers on how to make drugs openly available to players in needle, lotion and pill form. Player restrooms will be equipped with dispensers loaded with the new “hand-roids” that will soften their hands but not their swings, produced by Balco.


Some stadium promotion directors are all ready working on “Pregnant Ladies Night” as a way to obtain fresh ingredients for the new drink being developed by Busch Beer. They call it “Juiced-Up” what roid takers take when they are not taking roids.


It will be served to fans after the seventh inning but not in extra innings. This way fans will also have the option of “being in the zone” while crushing numbers and pitching presentations at work.


David Stern, NBA commissioner is considering a similar approach for the NBA’s gambling issue. He has already contacted the governor of Maryland and they are working on a plan called the Public’s Useful Necessities Kicking-out Everyday Distribution. Fearing the possible acronym usage, they may call it the “Take the last hope of the poor” plan instead.


Little League is getting on board with this approach as well.


Mars Candy has already been using something they call R&R, roids and rage. Mars disclosed that they had a similar product privately available earlier but when asked what happen with it all they would say is:


“It did not bag well for long shipping trips.”


When questioned by reporters on the safety of these drugs for children, officials shared how they have been giving them to athletes for years.


“We’ve been giving sick kids drugs for years to help them play, it’s time to help the healthy kids for a change” said a Little League official, referring to the successful use of inhalers for asthmatic players.


Gatorade will immediately offer a new formula to any athletic team called Rock Fuel and Roger Clemens will become the new front man.  Clemens stated his earlier position on drug usage was just a simple misunderstanding.


“I simply misunderstood the questions congress asked me.”


Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, has been approach by several baseball owners to consider a rehab of his current disdain for admitting and using performance drugs.


“I do not know what my current position on the possible new plan is. I have not spoken to Hank Aaron, yet. I assume it will be no, no, no,” commented Selig.


It is time for the zit on the face of MLB to be popped, bleed, and go away.