Beleaguered Sports Figures' Voice Mails: Leave a Message at the Beep...

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Beleaguered Sports Figures' Voice Mails: Leave a Message at the Beep...
(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

In today’s world, where technology seems to improve by the time your lunch break ends, it is easier than ever to screen a phone call.

We have voice mail, caller ID, a roommate willing to tell a little white lie, and I think there are even a few dozen answering machines still in operation.

Thanks to the Internet, we now get our news instantaneously.

With 24/7 news coverage comes an over saturation of some topics, and, some people.

Here’s a list of five sports figures who have had their share of troubles dissected far beyond anything they ever imagined.

We here at the Bleacher Report attempted to contact all five subjects for this article. Alas, we only reached their voice mails. The following transcripts are verbatim:

 

David Ortiz

Hey, this is Big Papi’s voicemail. I can’ take your call right now because I’m takin’ extra BP.

If you’re calling about my home-run slump, trust me man, I’m gonna hit.

I know I’ve gone 116 at-bats without a jack and it’s frustrating me more than anyone. I know my teammates need me to deliver. You think Tito bats me third in the lineup for no reason?

I’ll tell you, people have short memories. There’s a reason I’m one of the most feared hitters in the game.

I’m the guy that in six seasons since ’03 has hit 231 home runs. That’s 38.5 a year.

I’m the guy that’s also knocked in 731 runs in that same time. That’s 122 a year.

Don’t think I’m just a power hitter though. In three of those six seasons, I hit .300 or better.

Sure I slumped last year, but I missed 53 games and I struggled most of the year with a wrist injury. You try catching up to a 94 mph heater with a bum wrist.

And yeah, I hear a lot of people are saying I can’t hit anymore without Manny behind me in the lineup. You ever hear of Kevin Youkilis?

Youk finished third in the American league MVP voting last year. Now he’s batting clean-up for us.

We got Jason Bay, too. And he’s killin’ the ball, so forget about that protection stuff.

Trust me, man. I’m gonna hit. And when I do, I’m gonna see that ball like it’s a softball.

I’m only 33. I’m not done yet.

Anyone else have a plaque at Fenway Park praising them as the most clutch hitter in Red Sox history? Didn’t think so. Not bad company considering guys like Teddy Ballgame, Yaz, and Jimmie Foxx played for the Sox.

So leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. Unless you’re calling with hitting advice. If you are, get a life!

...beeeeeeeeepp!

 

Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Hey, this is Junior. Me and the boys are out on the track runnin’ laps and workin’ on pit stops.

If y’all are callin’ to tell me I gotta drop Tony Jr. as my crew chief, you can forget it. Man, he’s family. Would you fire your cousin?

Look, Rick owns the company. If he wants to make a change, well, I might not have a choice. But if y’all think he’s gonna make that change without talkin’ to me about it, y’all are crazy.

Trust me man, I don’t need another reminder that I haven’t won in 32 races.

I know I’ve been to victory lane once in the last 109 races, and before that, I went 76 races without a win.

The critics say my win last year at Michigan was a fuel mileage gamble. Jimmie did the same thing during another race last season, yet he was brilliant, whereas I was lucky. Whatever, man!

Hey, I ain't my dad. You think it’s easy racin’ in his shadow?

I want to win for my fans, Tony Jr., my crew, and Rick more than anyone.

We got the best equipment in the business and I know it’s gonna happen. So y’all just be patient.

Anyway, if you’re callin’ about something other than racin’, leave me a message. If not, get a life!

...beeeeeeeeepp!

 

Roger Federer

Hello, this is Roger. Can’t come to the phone right now because I’m out back on the practice court.

If you’re calling with advice on how to rediscover my game, let me just remind you of a few items.

Since ’03, I’ve won 13 grand slam titles. One more, and I tie Pete Sampras for the all-time record. You do remember Sampras, don’t you? Greek guy. Wicked serve. Yeah, he could play a bit.

I won five straight Wimbledons from ’03 to ’07.

I won five straight U.S. Opens ’04 to ’08.

And I’ve won the Australian Open three times.

Sure, I haven’t won the French, but I’ve lost in the finals three straight years to Nadal, who’s a human buzz saw on clay. Playing Nadal on clay is like being France’s military in a war...you have no shot!

I’ve advanced to the semifinals of the last 19 grand slam tournaments. That’s right, 19 in a row!

Last time I lost in the first round of a grand slam was the ‘03 French.

In ’04, ’06, and ’07, I won three of the four grand slams. And in ’06 and ’07, I lost in the French final.

I held the No. 1 world ranking for 237 weeks. That’s fourth best in men’s history.

I first obtained the No. 1 ranking on Feb. 2, 2004 and I held it straight until Aug. 18, 2008. That’s four and a half straight years.

I’m only 27. I’ve got a few dominating years left. Hell, Agassi made the U.S. Open final at age 35.

Is Nadal in my head a little bit? Probably, but have you seen the guy play? He’s got a stronger will than Rocky!

I just find it amazing that given how much I dominated my sport for five years, people now treat me like I’m some scrub on the Challenger’s Circuit.

Bottom line is I am going to break Pete’s record. And with Wimbledon and the U.S. Open around the corner, I might even do it this year.

So leave me a message and I’ll call you back when I get off the court. Unless you’re calling with match advice. I’ve forgotten more about tennis than you’ll ever know. Get a life!

...beeeeeeeeepp!

 

Charlie Weis

Hey this is Charlie. Sorry I can’t take your call right now, but I’m out recruiting blue chippers as I try to satisfy the completely ridiculous and unrealistic expectations of Domer fans everywhere.

I’m not sure which set of fans is worse: The ones who actually went to Notre Dame or all the losers who root for us for the same reason other fans bases root for the Yankees, the Lakers, and the Cowboys.

I’m starting to think Lisa Horne was right. Notre Dame fans are delusional.

Look, my first two seasons here, we earned BCS bowl bids. Of course, we lost those two games by an average score of 38-17. And then there’s the little fact that we made those games with the players Ty Willingham recruited.

Up until we slaughtered Hawaii this year, Notre Dame fans everywhere were constantly reminded about our nine game bowl winless streak that started back in 1994.

And during the losing streak, we were never close. Lost those games by an average score of 35-17. But that began long before I started cashing Irish checks.

Speaking of, I know my contract is a sore spot for a lot of folks. Took me only seven games to get it extended through 2015. But hey, if your boss wants to throw a ton of dough at you, how many people are going to turn it down? That’s right, none!

I know, I know, the last two seasons haven’t been ones for the history books.

In ’07, we became the first ND team to lose nine games and we’re the first squad to drop 15 games over a two year stretch.

And I can certainly understand how some of you are upset that last year we lost on Senior Day to Syracuse. Well let me tell you, those guys were good. Easy to see how the Orange managed 10 total wins in four years.

My biggest problem is I’m recruiting against schools like USC, Texas, Florida and LSU. Kids want to go to those schools, not South Bend.

The last time ND won the national championship in 1988, today’s high school seniors weren’t even born. Notre Dame doesn’t mean anything to the blue chippers I need to win big.

But look, we should be a lot better this year. After all, Syracuse isn’t on the schedule.

Leave a message. Or get a life.

...beeeeeeeeepp!

 

Alex Rodriguez

‘Hey, this is A-Rod’…nah, that’s no good.

‘Hello, this is Alex’…I don’t like that one.

‘A-Rod here’…nah, too abrasive.

‘This is A-Rod in the Boogeydown’…nope.

‘A-Rod in the BX here’…no, too nerdy. Man, I can’t believe how hard it is to make a voice mail message that everyone will like.

‘A-Rod’s voice mail’…no, that screams tool.

‘This is Mr. May’…wait, I hit in October, too.

Hhhmmm…I wonder what Jeter’s voice mail sounds like? Maybe I should call him. Oh that’s right, he refused to give me his cell number.

I don’t know why he’s hacked. He isn’t even the best shortstop on the team. What an ego! Who does Jeter think he is, me?

Maybe I should ask Selena what she thinks? Might be a good way to make peace with her and get her to like me.

‘An A-Bomb for A-Rod’…nah, that’s taken.

‘Bostons^cks!’…oh wait, I forgot about 2004. I’ll just go with the old standby.

‘Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Alex Rodri...’ ...beeeeeeeeepp!

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