The Voice of Baseball: A Generation of Funny Quotes (Volume One)

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The Voice of Baseball: A Generation of Funny Quotes (Volume One)
(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

The Voice Of Baseball: A Generation Of Quotes and Soundbites, Volume 1

Baseball generally is a silent sport. Unless you are a fan in the stands, the game is usually silent.

But the players do talk; sometimes during a game, sometimes after the game, and sometimes before the game.

It does not matter.

Baseball players have come up some of the best quotes and sound bites out there. So here is volume one of my favorite funny/somewhat serious baseball quotes.

Section Ten: Bob Uecker

I figured I would start off with something funny. So, what better person to get a quote from than Bob Uecker. Before there even was a Mendoza line, there was a Uecker line. So despite his relative undistinguished playing career, Uecker has a penchant for self-deprecating humor.

"I led the league in "'Go get 'em next time.'"

"One time, I got pulled over at four a.m. I was fined $75 for being intoxicated and $400 for being with the Phillies"

"The biggest thrill a ballplayer can have is when your son takes after you. That happened when my Bobby was in his championship Little League game.

"He really showed me something. Struck out three times. Made an error that lost the game.

"Parents were throwing things at our car and swearing at us as we drove off. Gosh, I was proud."

"They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up. When I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland."

Section: A quote about the DH Rule

The Designated Hitter was implemented in the American League in 1973. The Designated Hitter Rule was implemented in the National League in... never. The National League has never had the DH Rule implemented.

What better than a quote from one of the best baseball movies and one of my personal favorites, Bull Durham.

"I believe in the soul ... the small of a woman's back, the hanging curveball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter." - Crash Davis

 

Section: No offense, no problem. No one out there... problem

Look, everyone loves a good offensive game. Four, five, six, seven or more hits sounds really great, if your team is the one getting them hits. But if your team is not hitting the ball, it is probably not drawing a lot of fans to the stands.

Nor probably is it drawing many ears on the radio. This one is from Major League:

"That's all we got, one goddamn hit?"

"You can't say 'goddamn' on the air."

"Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway."

 

Section: Knuckleballs, Curves and Splitters

Have you ever tried to catch a knuckleball? Yeah, it is not that easy, that is one of the reasons why I am not a catcher. The thing (the ball) just goes everywhere on you. It dives, dodges, dips, corkscrews, curves, slides, and floats all on one throw.

Trying to throw one is equally difficult. It is not actually thrown with the knuckles, but rather the fingertips and fingernails. To throw one, instead of snapping the wrist, you more or less "puss" it towards the plate.

Here is a quote from who else, but Bob Uecker.

"I always thought the knuckleball was the easiest pitch to catch. Wait'll it stops rolling, then go to the backstop and pick it up."

Here is a quote from a former American League Umpire:

"Like some cult religion that barely survives, there has always been at least one but rarely more than five or six devotees throwing the knuckleball in the big leagues... Not only can't pitchers control it, hitters can't hit it, catchers can't catch it, coaches can't coach it, and most pitchers can't learn it. The perfect pitch."

Here's one from Richie Allen:

"I never worry about it. I just take my three swings and go sit on the bench. I'm afraid if I ever think about hitting it, I'll mess up my swing for life."

Section: Team to beat? More like "response to that to beat"

Remember that old phrase, "Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is"? Well this section of quotes goes to the old adage of team to beat.

Only the responses, though.

"Great. Now we're on,  not a sequel, we're on the third time and those movies really suck." -Brett Myers

 

Section: Spaceman

Bill "Spaceman" Lee, I believe deserves his own section in volume one. He is "out there", and by "out there" I mean he at least smoked the funny stuff a few too many times.

 

"I think about the cosmic snowball theory. A few million years from now the sun will burn out and lose its gravitational pull. The earth will turn into a giant snowball and be hurled through space. When that happens it won't matter if I get this guy out."

"There's nothing in the world like the fatalism of the Red Sox fans, which has been bred into them for generations by that little green ballpark, and the wall, and by a team that keeps trying to win by hitting everything out of sight and just out-bombarding everyone else in the league. All this makes Boston fans a little crazy, and I'm sorry for them."

"You have two hemispheres in your brain: a left and a right side. The left side controls the right side of your body and right controls the left half. It's a fact. Therefore, left-handers are the only people in their right minds."

"You take a team with 25 assholes and I'll show you a pennant. I'll show you the New York Yankees."

Section: Random Quotes about the game and players

These are just some of the randomest quotes that I found out there. Some of them are from former players and others are from players still playing. This the last section of volume one.

P.S.: The Majority are from Brett Myers. Why? He is like Bob Uecker. Some of the stuff the Myers says is pure gold.

"It's fun to bust some caps."- Brett Myers

"Guys [in the bullpen] were like, 'No way!' But I was saying, 'You don't let Superman beat you when you have Wonder Woman on deck.'"- Troy Percival

"I like walks about as much as I like high gas prices."- Brian Bannister

"Sometimes the best ideas come to you on the mound, that's why I always carry around my little black notebook on the field."- Michael Mussina

"I'd rather them blow up some hot dogs or some ketchup and mustard and relish than have it be a real bomb"- Chad Durbin

"They were trying to get into my head. They don't want to get in my head. Not too many people have been successful getting in there, besides myself."- Brett Myers

“I tried to tackle him, I pushed him, and he didn’t go anywhere. He kept going straight into the end zone.”- Brett Myers on trying to tackle Lito Sheppard back in High School

Me: "Yo! Matt! Is it: Dias or Diaz?"
Matt Diaz: "It's Diaz, that way if you are going to curse my mother out... you got the right pronunciation."

I had to include the conversation that I had with Braves utility player, Matt Diaz. The response I dot from him was both classic and epic.

"Oh, Rickey like that. Rickey definitely like that."- Jimmy Rollins

I would have given Brett Myers his own section, but decided due to a lack of funding and computer "issues" not to give him a section.

Well, I hoped that you enjoyed reading these quotes as much as I enjoyed presenting them to you. Hang around for Volume Two of my funny/somewhat serious baseball quotes.

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