Boras Leaks Real Drug Behind Manny Suspension: Hair Products

On Thursday evening, Scott Boras held another press conference to add to the exhaustive coverage of Manny Ramirez's suspension in order to identify exactly for which drug Manny Ramirez had tested positive.

"These sources have it all wrong," said Boras as he stuffed the wad of money he'd been greedily counting back into his suit pocket. "Manny wasn't using any sort of fertility drug—his virility is certainly not in question. No, Manny was suspended for the use of cytotoxins."

There was a pause as several reporters quickly Googled "cytotoxins" on their iPhones in a race to respond to the statement more fully.

The fastest reporter responded, "Mr. Boras, are you telling us that Manny has been suspended for hair growth products?"

Boras nodded sadly and regretfully. "Exactly. Major League Baseball, Manny, and I all sat down at the winter meetings back in December because Commissioner Selig suspected that Manny had not been joking regarding his dreadlocks' ability to fuel his hitting. Once we proved that his hair was what had sustained his hitting ability from his youth, Commissioner Selig put Manny on double-super-secret-probation, and warned him that if he used any hair care products not pre-approved by MLB, he would be suspended. That is, in a nutshell, why Manny will be suspended."

When it was pointed out that Manny had not actually been at the Winter Meetings at all, Boras stuck his fingers in his ears and began singing that he couldn't hear anyone.

One source claims that MLB told Manny at the end of Spring Training that he had one month to cut his hair, or be suspended. A month passed, and Ramirez' trademark dreads only got longer.

Several Dodgers fans were spotted chopping off a substantial amount of the locks on their Dodger-trademarked dreadlock wigs in what was thought to be disgust. When asked about it, two of them stared blankly and expressed that if Selig had resorted to this, he might soon begin banning fans with similar hair length from the ballpark.