The Top 20 Ways Arsenal Can Win a Trophy

Khalid SiddiquiCorrespondent IIMay 8, 2009

ISTANBUL, TURKEY - OCTOBER 21:  The Arsenal players pose for a team photograph before the UEFA Champions League, Group G match between Fenerbahce and Arsenal at the Sukru Saracoglu Stadium on October 21, 2008 in Istanbul, Turkey.  (Photo by Jamie McDonald/Getty Images)

In the last four years, Arsene Wenger has completely revamped his squad, and the team has since been trophy-less in all competitions. Wenger's squad showed promise last season when it led the Premier League table for most of the season only to falter towards the end. However, this season has been a step backwards.

In the tradition of David Letterman's Top Ten lists, here is a humorous look at Arsenal's plight. I apologize to all die-hard Arsenal fans in advance for the satirical list below, but also want to mention that I am one of those die-hard fans myself. So read on, and enjoy.

20. Start signing five-year olds. This will allow the players (due to their smaller height) to pass between opposing defenders' legs in order to get close to goal.

19. Close down the roads leading to the Emirates Stadium. Visiting teams will be late while trying to find alternate routes, and forfeit the match.

18. Transfer the team to one of the weaker leagues. That way, Arsenal can do the league and cup double every season. Who needs the Champions League anyway?

17. Convince the FA and UEFA that passes completed should count for something, and have a rule instated whereby 200 passes count for one goal. That way, they never have to put the ball in the back of the net, but just pass their opponents to death.

16. Rather than wasting money on salaries of inflated egos, invest in scientific research. Surely someone can build a football shoe that can put the ball in the back of the net automatically.

15. Have players wear masks of the world's best footballers. Not only will this intimidate the lesser teams, but will also confuse those players whose masks have been made. That's one way to stop Cristiano since he'll go on musing about how good he looks.

14. Change the name of Emirates Stadium to Highbury. At least trophies were being won when that was the stadium's name.

13. If you can't send Adebayor to "Beyonce" (re: his comments about AC Milan), then sign the real Beyonce as a member of the squad. She might inspire him to stay fit and coax him into scoring goals.

12. Get the Arsenal ladies team to play in place of the men. Now that's a team that's used to winning trophies and not getting beaten that often.

11. Create two squads, Arsenal Injured XI and Arsenal Playing XI. Sign players to those squads accordingly, so that good players who are healthy can be available to play.

10. Call Tony Adams out of retirement since Wenger is unwilling to spend on a proven centre-back. He'll do a better job in central defense as compared to the current lot anyway.

9. Find a Victoria Beckham equivalent for every star footballer on the opposing Big Three. Perfect way to wreck a club football career. Plus, Wenger's famous recruitment abilities can come in handy as well.

8. Convince the FA and UEFA to place age limits on players. You can only play in the Premiership and Champions League if every player in your team is under 23. It would be just like the Football event in the Olympics.

7. Introduce all the star footballers of the Big Three to Manny Ramirez of the LA Dodgers in MLB. Suspensions galore!

6. Have someone smuggle in itching powder into the opposing team's dressing room and apply some to the insides of each footballer's kit. There can only be one winner then.

5. Change the club's name to Barcelona. This will not only intimidate opponents to a degree, but will also be a logical change as most of the Arsenal players are really Barcelona players-in-waiting.

4. There needs to be a first step, therefore, start off with ambitions on the Carling Cup. Playing a full-strength team in the Carling Cup can add to the trophy cabinet.

3. Hypnotize the opposing team's defenders into believing that they have to score against their own keepers, just like in the training ground. Would do wonders for goal difference as well.

2. Create a team to compete in some other sport. Maybe that team will have better luck winning a trophy.

And the No. 1 way for Arsenal to get a trophy is...(drumroll please)

1. I think they'll simply need to have the trophies stolen one by one since that seems to be the only way the club will get its hands on one right now, even if it is for a little while until they get caught. 


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