How Would Coach Marrone Handle Somali Pirates?

Danny CarberryContributor IMay 6, 2009

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - 2005:  Doug Marrone of the New York Jets poses for his 2005 NFL headshot at photo day in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  (Photo by Getty Images)

How many times have you asked yourself, "How would Coach Marrone handle the Somali Pirate situation?"

If you're like everyone else, you have probably woke up many a mornings with a clear, vivid picture of Coach yelping at these pirate thugs. Well, we thought we would devise a clear portrayal of Coach M in action, verbally assaulting these Oceanic thugs with his message of passion, integrity and vengeance.

With that being said, we would like you to study the Hump rendition of the verbal assault that would be unleashed in the pirate haven off the West Coast of Somalia.

Let's set the scene:

It was a chilly morning with a glossing speckle of red rising from the sea. Somali pirates continue their attacks against international ships in and around the Gulf of Aden, despite the deterrent of stepped-up international naval escorts and patrols—and the increased failure rate of their attacks.

This morning Syracuse head football coach, Doug Marrone, happens to be doing some deep sea fishing with some old football buddies during an extended recruiting trip to the wonderful continent that is Africa. All of a sudden their boat was approached by suspected pirates and entails is how Coach Marrone handled the situation....

Situation One:

Ok guys, pirates are getting ready to take over the boat. These pirates are criminals. They are armed gangs on the sea. And those plotting attacks must be stopped, and those who have carried them out must be brought to justice. Give me the anchor and I will board the ship and chop block them with one big swoop of a move.

Jimmy, rub my thighs and make sure I am limber. If I don't make it back, tell Van Chew he was going to be the third wide out. God bless the Orange! (Coach then jumps in the water with the anchor and swims towards the boat)

Situation Two:

Damn, pirates are coming towards us. The modus operandi for a lot of countries and shipping companies up until now has been, OK, they hijacked the ship. They get it into port. Nobody's harmed. We pay a ransom. We've done a business calculation. so that's the way it is.

I have a football team to coach and don't want to risk turning this program around. Too bad Greg Robinson wasn't out here with us. They could have taken him ransom and we could have got the F$^$ out of here. (Coach yells to the Captain to get this boat out of here and head for land, while flipping the bird towards the pirates)

Situation Three:

As the Pirates get close to the boat carrying Coach Doug Marrone. (A close friend of Coach stands up to talk to the group)

Pressure? Let me just say that Marrone is the best football coach I've ever seen. A pure fighting machine with only a desire—to win a war that someone else lost. And if winning means he has to die—he'll die. No fear, no regrets. And one more thing, what you choose to call hell, he calls home. (The whole boat high fives each other and jumps into the ocean and boards the pirate ship. Nobody knows what happened after this since no one was seen again)

Coach Marrone: A true man of honor