A long time ago, in a galaxy which is quite some distance away (and which some say doesn’t actually exist)...
Cue dramatic theme music and scrolling storyline.
Roger Forehander, leader of the Tennis Rebellion and celebrated promoter of “Nuclear Fusion Razorblades” (for the best shave in space), has travelled at light-speed to a small but mountainous planet in the outer galaxy.
Here, Forehander has been training hard with his pilot buddy, A-Rodo, in order to become Roger Backhander. For only then will Forehander have a hope in hell (excuse the volcanic-language) against Darth Raf-er on the clay of the “Red Earth.”
Unfortunately, A-Rodo has not proven to be the best duelling partner to help Forehander complete his task. After watching A-Rodo continuously play into the hands of Forehander’s lethal, well, forehand, S2-Wawa (Forehander’s mostly faithful droid companion) has suggested that Forehander target the spies of the Spanish Empire: the Scottroopers.
These loyal servants of the Empire have all been programmed to attack Forehander’s backhand should they ever cross paths. Ironically, battling with the Scotttroopers has brought Forehander the success he needs and henceforth he shall be referred to as the mighty Roger Backhander. (Confused yet?)
However, although Backhander has been successful in following the instructions of the illustrious G.O.A.T. Knight, Lava, he is still suffering from reoccurring nightmares. These nightmares have caused Backhander, a man who barely breaks a sweat whilst duelling with his Wilsonsaber, to wake-up at night completely drenched.
The chilling nightmares feature a Spanish bull charging at Backhander every time he attempts to enter the pearly white gates of the planet of the G.O.A.T. Knights.
To make matters worse, Backhander has received word that the Empire has joined forces with the evil womanizing gangster, Verdy-the-Hott.
Will Backhander ever be able to defeat Darth Raf-er on the clay of the Red Earth? Will he ever be rid of the terrifying nightmares? Will Darth Raf-er ever find a pair of underpants which don’t cause him to have an uncomfortable wedgie? These are all questions which can only be answered in the final episode of Tennis Wars…
Scene One: Aforementioned small, mountainous planet in the outer galaxy
Backhander, A-Rodo and S2-Wawa are having lunch onboard A-Rodo’s spaceship, the “Millennium Server.” Whilst munching on some rather delicious alien-nuggets (which Backhander has promised not to mention in front of A-Rodo’s captain), Backhander notices that S2-Wawa has gone slightly green.
Backhander: Hey man. You ok? What’s wrong with you? I bought these alien-nuggets from “Martian King”…they are usually ok in there. Drat, I hope I’m not gonna get sick. That is the last thing I need right now. My back has only just healed.
S2-Wawa: No, don’t worry. I don’t think it is the nuggets. I haven’t been feeling well for a couple of days now. I think there is something in my system. Could you try and unblock me?
(Backhander kneels down and starts pressing a few buttons on his droid friend.)
S2-Wawa (laughs): Ooh that tickles…stop it! I think I might be malfunctioning.
Backhander: No, hold still S2. It looks like you’re right, there is something jammed in here real tight. No wonder you’re not feeling too good.
(After some more fiddling a 12-inch, 3D hologram of Princess Maria appears. A-Rodo’s jaw drops open as he stares at the Princess.)
A-Rodo: Damn! S2, how on mars did you get that babe stored in your system? I recognise her…she’s the Princess who regularly gets the top spot in “Galaxy Illustrated’s” poll of the top 100 space chicks. My favourite was the one where she was wearing the gold bikini. In fact, I’ve had a lot of fantasies involving…
Backhander: Yeah, I think we all have A-Rodo, but be quiet for a second. Listen…the hologram is saying something.
Princess Maria’s Hologram: Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope. Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope. Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope.
A-Rodo: She’s only saying the same thing over and over again. See, you didn’t need me to stop talking about that gold bikini. I was just getting to the juicy stuff as well.
Backhander: S2, do you have anymore on there?
S2-Wawa: Hold on, I think I do.
(S2-Wawa concentrates hard and the hologram disappears. Just as A-Rodo decides that he has had enough and will go out and buy another portion of alien-nuggets, a new hologram of Princess Maria appears.)
Princess Maria Hologram Take-Two: Mr Kenobi, I must ask for your help in these most dismal of times. I have been captured by the Spanish Empire and am currently being held hostage on the “No.1 Star”. I have been forced to work as a model, and though I have been very successful, it is not my ambition in life to be just a pretty face.
Darth Raf-er has prevented me from taking parts in any duelathons and, as a result, I am no longer the ruling Princess on any of the four most important planets in our galaxy. I am worried I will soon be referred to simply as “Maria.” The Empire have been using the money I make from my modelling contracts to fund the training of their NASA Cup team. My Princess-saber has been confiscated by Darth Raf-er’s court jester and I have no means of escape. Help me, Fourteen Slams-Kenobi. You’re my only hope.
A-Rodo: Well, how did you manage to get that message installed on to your system S2?
S2-Wawa: I’m actually quite an interesting droid, you know. It’s just that no-one ever takes an interest. Anyway, that’s a long story involving a misplaced bet and a rather large wookie. The real question now is what are we going to do about this Princess? I don’t think it is a good idea for Roger to go parading about on the No.1 Star.
A-Rodo: Don’t worry. We won’t have to do that. I hear that Darth Raf-er has a huge entourage. Princess Maria is bound to be on Red Earth when Roger goes there to do battle.
Backhander: Yes, but I’m not going to have time to go around rescuing princesses once I step on to the duelling station. I need to focus. Even if I did hear that she might be a long-lost sister of mine…
A-Rodo: Do not fear…A-Rodo is here! I will come with you and rescue the Princess whilst Darth Raf-er is distracted by you. What say?
Backhander: Well, that is awfully good of you but I thought you couldn’t stand being on Red Earth. I wouldn’t ask you to make such a sacrifice.
A-Rodo: No sacrifice man. I would do anything for a hot chick in a gold bikini.
(So with that the three amigos buckle up as the Millennium Server takes off and heads to Red Earth.)
Scene Two: Red Earth
Darth Raf-er and his entourage have already landed on Red Earth. They are standing on the battle station waiting for Backhander to show up and are getting fidgety as they wait. Darth Raf-er’s entourage consists of: several Scottroopers, his court jester (the Djoker), Princess Maria and Verdy-the-Hott (who is with his latest girlfriend, Ana Astronovic). Some of the residents of Red Earth are also appearing on the horizon, taking their places in the viewing boxes around the battle station as this is one duel they don’t want to miss!
Darth Raf-er: Where is Forehander? He is late, no? Dis is boring.
Verdy-the-Hott: Paciencia, no? He will come, no? But I hear dat now he has dee name Roger Backhander. Is bit of a problemo, no?
Darth Raf-er: Is bit of a problemo, si. But I am dee bess, so is ok, no? Please do not tell Emperor Toni I say dat. Djoker…
Djoker: Yes my lord?
Darth Raf-er: Please do dee impresiones, tankyouverymuch. Dee people, dey are getting dee boredom, no?
(The Djoker obliges. First he rolls up his sleeves and lowers his shorts to do an impression of his master (somewhat anxiously). When this receives a loud applause from the audience and a nod of the head from Darth Raf-er he decides to do an impression of Princess Maria modelling the famous gold bikini. Whilst he is doing this someone from the crowd shouts that Roger Backhander is approaching.)
Backhander: I am here Darth Raf-er. Are you ready to duel? Prepare to meet your d-e-s-t-i-n-y.
Darth Raf-er: I no comprendo dis word, d-e-s-t-i-n-y. But, I am ready, no?
Backhander: Hold on, what’s your answer: a yes or a no?
Darth Raf-er: Si, no?
Backhander: Man, you are confusing me.
Darth Raf-er: I am ready, tankyouverymuch.
Backhander: Oh, ok.
Darth Raf-er: But firss, I muss tell jou someting: Roger, I am jour Papa.
Backhander: What?!?!?!? How is that even possible? I am older than you. That’s what half the fuss is about these days…that I haven’t got much left in me…what are you talking about?
Darth Raf-er: Oh, sorry, I say dat wrong. I mean: Roger, jou are about to become a Papa.
Backhander: Oh yes, well I obviously know about that.
Darth Raf-er: I congratulate jou.
Backhander: Thank you, that is very kind of you. But shall get on with battling now?
(With the niceties out of the way, Backhander and Darth Raf-er take to the duelling station and prepare to fight. Darth Raf-er does a run backwards and then comes hurtling towards Backhander and the Wilsonsaber and Babolatsaber meet together in a blaze of bright white light. The crowd watches as Darth Raf-er puts an enormous amount of saber-spin to Backhander’s backhand and as Backhander counteracts this with some saber-slice.
Meanwhile, A-Rodo has approached the Djoker who has resumed his post in guarding the Princess.)
A-Rodo: We meet again Mr Djoker. I am here to do battle with you and rescue the Princess.
Djoker: Look, that’s not really very fair. I am still wearing a gold bikini…it’ll be difficult for me to fight wearing this getup.
A-Rodo: Retiring before we’ve even begun? I expected no less…I just thought you might blame it on the extraterrestrial-flu going around at the moment. Or the blazing heat of Red Earth. Or is it just that you are afraid of the new and improved A-Rodo?
Djoker: Right, that’s it. We all know I’m a better dueller than you, especially on this planet. You may have the wise-cracks, but no-one does an impression quite like me. Prepare to be beaten.
(With that the Djoker gets out his Head-saber, a new weapon in his artillery. These two cannot use the central battle station since it is already occupied by the main characters in this story, so they decide to head over to battle station one. A few members of the audience follow them but the majority choose to stay on the central station.)
So what happens next? You, the reader, must decide. Which of the following choices will it be?
a) Backhander’s practice has paid off. Although it is a long duel, he defeats Darth Raf-er in five long duel-setters and claims the planet which has never before belonged to him.
The audience cheer and Darth Raf-er says, “Roger, jou are dee bess. I very happy for everyting. Tankyouverymuch.” Backhander thanks the audience and announces that he will retire to the planet of the G.O.A.T Knights once Roger Junior has been born. His final mission before his retirement will be to reclaim his home planet, the “Emerald Star”.
b) Try as he might, Backhander can do nothing to counteract the Spanish side of the Force. Darth Raf-er wins the duel in less than an hour and Backhander only just manages to hold back the tears. The audience cheer and Darth Raf-er says, “Roger, jou are dee bess. I very sorry for today but jou will still be G.O.A.T Knight. Tankyouverymuch”
c) You were not watching the duel as you were more interested in the one taking place on battle station one. On this station the two duellers started to fight but quickly became bored with it.
They decided to have a “laugh-off” instead to see which of them the audience found funnier. You thought they were both pretty good. (You also have the feeling that they were trying to impress the Princess.)
The choice is yours. If you have chosen option a) you are an optimist with hope in your heart but you may be slightly out of touch. If you have chosen option b) you are more of a realist. You grasp just how much power the Empire possesses at this point in the space-time continuum. Either that or you think Darth Raf-er is rather sweet really. If you have chosen option c) you are more interested in comedy than tennis.
Whichever choice you have made, remember that the Force will be with you…always.
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