Special Report: The B/R Wrestling Community Cabinet Meeting (Part I)

Demetrus StokesAnalyst IMay 5, 2009

WASHINGTON - APRIL 23:  (AFP OUT)  U.S. President Barack Obama (C) talks to the news media after a meeting with officials from the credit card industry, including Discover Financial Services CEO David Nelms (L) and Barclaycard US CEO Lloyd Wirshba, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner (2nd L) and Senior White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett at the White House April 23, 2009 in Washington, DC. CEOs from Visa, Mastercard, American Express and the credit card divisions at about a dozen of the largest banks were invited to speak with Obama about high fees and predatory lending practices. The timing is hard for the companies as the House Financial Services Committee approved legislation cracking down on credit card billing practices on Wednesday.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

RNN Chief Correspondent Jason "Wolf" LeBlanc is reporting live from the "squared circle" where many of the B/R wrestling community dignitaries are convening for their first cabinet meeting. 

JLB was given this exclusive, and the following is actual dialogue from the first meeting. 

President Shane O'Howard: I would like to thank you all for coming to this very important meeting.  I want to sincerely apologize for missing the state of the b/r community address.  My wife Jen O'Preston became ill and I had to stay by her side. 

Mumbles are heard throughout the meeting room after this statement as there is speculation that President O'Howard missed the address to watch 90210 on the CW. 

House Speaker AkD:I would also like to apologize for missing the address.  I was ummmm......helping the president care for his ill wife!

Secretary Daris Brown: (under his breath) What kind of kinky crap do they have going on? 

President O'Howard: I would like to thank Secretary Stokes for filling in for us and giving a great address.  He is a CHAMPION of our community who went turnbuckle to turnbuckle and gave a great speech. 

Now I understand there are some officials here who would like to nominate new articles to our community's Constitution.  We will now hear these proposals. 

Congressman Ray Bogusz steps to the podium .

Ray:  Mr. President our nation is in the midst of a crisis.  We have plagiarism, trolls, and countless other issues that need to be addressed.  There is one thing, however, that cannot wait any longer! 

We need to address the oil shortgage!  There is one man responsible for all of this.  He uses all of our oil resources and it needs to stop! 

Mr. President and members of the cabinet, I propose that Randy Orton be banned from using oil of any kind on his body. 

My God!  How can anyone possibly put this guy in a hold?  He'll slip right through your hands.

I say post pictures of him in all of the Targets and Wal-Marts.  Keep this man out of the baby oil aisle! 

Just as the congressman is wrapping up, a group of men walk in wearing "Legacy" shirts and dark sun glasses.

It seems as if the meeting has been invaded by The Nation of Ortons-lam and their leader, Minister Ryan "Farrakhan" Michael. 

Ryan: Brothers and Sisters of the cabinet, you can't possibly listen to anything this man has to say!  It is clear that he is an Orton-hater and banning the honorable Randy Orton from using oil is a violation of his rights! 

If you put this bill into law, your families will not be safe.  The nation will punt every single person in this room. 

We will punt your mothers, your fathers, and your brothers.  We'll DDT your wives and sisters and then kiss them with sinister looks on our faces! 

We are a nation of vipers! You will not stop Randy Orton from his destiny of being the greatest WWE superstar that ever lived! 

Members of The Nation get into Congressman Bogusz's face.

Vice President Mina: Order! Order!  We will have order!  Now I understand the minister has a supporter that would like to address us as well.

"The Model" Josh Sewell: Hello members of the cabinet my name is Josh Sewell and I am a model.  Let me repeat that....my name is Josh Sewell and I am a model.

Secretary Daris Brown: (under his breath) Who in the hell let Dolph Ziggler's little brother in here? 

The Model: As a model, I feel it is not right to deprive Randy Orton from using oil.  We models use oil from time to time, and if you ban Orton's use it's only a matter of time before you ban the use of oil for models. 

You must not enact this law.  It is not right, and I stand behind the minister and his nation.  Thank you. 

The proposal is now going to a vote.  It seems President O'Howard has left the meeting.  His whereabouts are unknown. Vice President Mina has tallied the votes and the decision is being announced....

Mina: The votes are in and it has been ruled that Randy Orton will be banned from using oil of any kind on his.....

Before Vice President Mina can complete reading the ruling she is DDT'd by Ryan Michael.  He then looks over at Congressman Bogusz with pure evil in his eyes and kisses the Vice President. 

Congressman Bogusz is then grabbed by other members of the nation and assaulted.  He is then punted in the head and knocked out cold by the minister. 

During the assault on the congressman, secretary Daris Brown (still mumbling under his breath) manages to flee.  Housespeaker AkD, like President O'Howard, also left the room earlier and his whereabouts are also unknown.

Minister Ryan "Farrakhan" Michael: The Age of Orton is upon us!  Long live Randy Orton! 

Michael and the members of the nation rejoice as they look at the carnage left in the "squared circle"

Is our nation being taken over by The Nation of Ortons-lam? 

What will become of Congressman Bogusz and Vice President Mina?

Where the hell is President O'Howard and Speaker AkD? 

Why does Secretary Daris Brown mumble under his breath?

We hope to find out all of these answers. Until then, this has been Jason "Wolf" LeBlanc reporting.