Go Ahead...Ask Me (May 3, 2009)

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Go Ahead...Ask Me (May 3, 2009)
(Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

Dear Mr. Casim,

I have been in an awful state recently and didn't know where to turn until I saw your advert on the Bleacher Report.

I really hope you can help me.

You see, I am the world's biggest Roger Federer fan.

I have avidly followed his matches since I was a little girl.

(Okay, not strictly true as he would have only been a little boy himself then, but you get where I am going with this.)

After the news emerged that he got married over the Easter weekend, I haven't known what to do with myself.

I am in the depths of despair. There is no longer any sunshine in my life.

I will never get over this.

Of course everyone told me it was coming, but I chose to ignore it.

I always truly believed that one day I would introduce myself as Mrs Federer.

I have tried to feel the same way about Rafa...even Nole...but I can't.

Will I ever love again?

How do I get over this most bitter of heartaches?

I haven't opened my bedroom curtains since I heard the news and need to find a way to get out of this darkness.

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Many Thanks,

Heartbroken

 

Dear Heartbroken,

I am sorry that you have had your idol image crushed by a happy matrimonial ceremony.   I find it strange that you are more sad about him getting married when you should feel absolutely depressed about how he has been playing. 

If you want, send me another email with your address, and I will send Nadal over to your room to rip those bedroom curtains off with his muscular biceps. 

After the next 30 minutes, you'll be wondering who you were pining about..."Roger, who?"

If that does not work, may I suggest:

The new Roger Federer inflatable doll. 

Yes, the Roger Federer inflatable doll is now ready to serve you in the privacy of your own home.  The Federer doll is programmed to inflate and deflate to your every whim and desire. 

Just say the code word "GOAT" and Roger will inflate to your delight.  When the fun is over, say the code word "Nadal" and Roger will deflate quickly—allowing you to get on with the more important reality of your life.  

The Roger Federer doll is talented in all the grand slams you can dream of and more.  He will never go beyond your break point, and if he does..."Nadal" will bring the whole thing to a crashing end.

Important: Do not use the Roger Federer doll if you are operating heavy machinery. 

Do not use if you have high blood pressure, heart problems, or if pregnant. 

Also please limit the number of uses of the code word "Nadal" as this may destroy the doll's long term use and worthiness.

 

Hello Sar-Casim,
аааааааааааааааааааааааа I am Rohini (Roh for short), and I had a question for you.

Now that Nole has failed to defend his Rome Masters and relinquished his hold on the No. 3 rankings, what are the chances that he might do well at Roland Garros?

I mean, there is a lot of speculation as to how well he is doing on the clay, but he still loses in the final, right?

So, what do you think of his extreme test at the Parisian dirt?

Please answer my questions.

Hoping you will do the needful.
а

Thanks. а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а Yours Sincerely,
а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а а аа Roh ааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааааа

 

Dear Roh (aaa....)

First, I would like to say that if you are having problem with the sticky "A" button, a simple spray or soap and water should take care of it.  Either that, or you should realize that whoever named you was falling off a cliff and all those "a's" are really unnecessary. 

Mr. Djokovic has indeed lost his No. 3 ranking. 

I suggest that he adopt some new measures against Nadal. 

When Nadal jumps around like a boxer, Djokovic responds by hopping like a kangaroo.

When Nadal sprints to his corner, Djokovic responds by sprinting and sliding to his corner. 

When Nadal picks at his bum, Djokovic grabs his crotch. 

When Nadal adjusts his hair around his bandana, Djokovic gives his brush cut a noogie. 

Djokovic must out Nadal; it is only then that he will get Nadal off of his game. 

Sincerely,

Sar Casim

Column Note: I have not heard from a lot of you out there, so I am going to print the first email I received and respond to it:

DEAR SIR,

I got your reliable contact through the information received from my husband's attorney who has been of great assistance to my immediate family since our departure from Brunei.

I am princess F.Williams-Bolkiah, wife of prince Jeffri Bolkiah—former finance minister of Brunei (the tiny oil rich sultanate on the gulf Island of Borneo).  Hence I seek your good assistance to invest these US $48,000,000 into profitable ventures due to reliable indications that your country has a viable economic growth.

We have decided to offer 20 percent to you as compensations for your anticipated cooperation while 10 percent have been mapped out to cover local/international expenses that might be incurred during the course of transaction.  

Thank you and God bless.

I remain yours sincerely,

Princess F.W.Bolkiah

 

Dear Princess F.Williams-Bolkiah,

Thanks for your note.

I just want you to know that your sisters Venus and Serena are very worried about you. 

Your disappearance during the Dubai classic has really stressed the family out.  

Does your kidnapping husband know that you are throwing his money around? 

I think your pappy taught you better than that.  I know that if he knew where you were, he'd come over there and whup your a**. 

Make your payment out to Sar Casim.  Oh, and none of this bank account crap...haven't you ever heard of a certified check? 

Give my regards to Prince Fuquar.

Sar Casim

P.S. This must be my lucky day because as well as this letter, I also won the British lottery and I do not even live anywhere near Britain!!

 

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