Cubs-Pirates Temperatures in Hell Drop After Chicago Victory
The Chicago Cubs hung on for a 10-8 victory Monday in Pittsburgh, and shortly after the game ended, the temperature in Hell dropped nearly 50 degrees.
Sources close to Satan confirmed the drop late this afternoon, and Satan was quoted as saying, "Did someone turn off the heat, or did the Cubs win today?"
After learning that it was a Cubs victory that triggered the decrease in temperature, Satan quipped, "Figures."
Scientists studying the weather in Hell noted that temperature increases and decreases are directly related to the on-field success - or lack thereof - of Chicago's National League baseball club.
"We have seen that temperatures in Hell drop on days that the Cubs win, and depending on how they won, the drop can be rather significant," said University of Chicago scientist Dr. James Allen.
The biggest swings in temperatures have occured whenever the Cubs have qualified for Major League Baseball's post-season.
"The lowest temperature readings we've seen in recent memory down there were back in October of 2003, when the Cubs nearly won the NL pennant," Allen said.
Allen noted that after the top of the 8th inning in Game 6 of that year's NLCS, "temperatures began to return to normal levels."
Readings last summer were also unusually low, as the Cubs won the NL Central Division title.
So how do forecasters predict Hell's weather?
"We usually look at pitching matchups and box scores of the Cubs and their opponent," Allen said. "The NL Central standings also play a role."
And what would happen if the Cubs were to actually win a World Series?
"I think Satan and the rest of his Fallen Angels would take up ice hockey."
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