New York, 7th of April—NBA Commissioner David Stern announced today plans for a new crowd-appeasing initiative to be phased in at the end of the '08-'09 season.
Buckling under increasing pressure from basketball fans worldwide who claim that matchups between the likes of Seattle, Minnesota, and Indiana are "Sporting Abortion" and "Reaching levels of vomit-inducing usually reserved for the WNBA", Stern has announced any game involving combinations of the following teams will be replaced with an alternative event.
Teams affected by Stern's ruling: Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, Miami Sky-force, Milwaukee Bucks, New York Knicks, Seaklahoma Supersonics, Los Angeles Clippers, Indiana Pacers.
Any games involving any combination of those teams will be simulated by high-tech ESPN computers which will provide an accurate gametrack in a fraction of the time it would take the travesty to play out on court. Players will wait in their respective locker rooms where NBA "quality controllers" will enter with the results and injure/congratulate as neccessary.
The NBA has revealed a number of the events that will be taking place in these games' absence.
- "How to Pistol Whip Your Naked Wife", A Clinic by Allen Iverson
- "Interactive Crowd Boxing" with Ron Artest
- "Marital Development Counseling", A Seminar with Jason Kidd
- "English for Beginners" by Dikembe Mutombo
Several other ideas are being discussed by the league office, including 'Prius Pacer Survival', where every fan in attendance at an Indiana Pacers game (avg att. 10.6 fans per game) is escorted to a local populated nightclub. The Pacers starting five are then let in and all the doors locked; anyone still alive after five minutes wins a Toyota Prius.
Another idea involved a mascot dunk contest with a twist. The competing teams mascots would take turns to dunk off a trampoline into a rim being guarded by an 8ft, 1,400lbs grizzly bear.
And in Seattle, plans for a new game show are already underway, where contestants must try and guess where the Seattle's next home game will be played for their share of the prize money.