After Talladega Issues, NASCAR Admits: Fans Are a Problem (Satire)

Paul HadsleyCorrespondent IMay 1, 2009

TALLADEGA, AL - APRIL 26:  Carl Edwards, driver of the #99 Claritin Ford, goes airborne as Ryan Newman, driver of the #39 Steweart-Haas Racing Chevrolet suffers damage and Brad Keselowski, driver of the #09 Miccosukee Indian Gaming Chevrolet drives at the conclusion of the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Aaron's 499 at Talladega Superspeedway on April 26, 2009 in Talladega, Alabama.  (Photo by Jerry Markland/Getty Images for NASCAR)

In the wake of the highly controversial finish to the Aaron's 499 NASCAR Nextel Cup race at Talladega, NASCAR has been under pressure to make changes to the way it stages restrictor plate racing at Talladega in a bid to better protect fans from flying cars and debris.

NASCAR officials are rumoured to be considering many options in a bid to make racing at Talladega safer. These include opposing magnets in the front and rear of each car so they are repelled away from one another, in theory eliminating the big one.

Another such idea is banning fans from the track completely and instead setting up the grandstands outside the track grounds where the fans don a virtual reality headset in a bid to simulate what sitting next to a catch fence and seeing nothing until a Cup car throws itself at you is actually like.

The last idea stems from the fact that NASCAR officials have been grumbling that they've made enough compromises to the way they run racing at Talladega. To protect the fans, it would be much better for everyone if fans were banned from the Talladega premises altogether.

"It would be a win-win situation for everyone concerned," said an unnamed source deep within NASCAR. "The drivers wouldn't have to attend such fan events as autograph sessions, nor would they have to pretend that they're actually excited to hear for the 20th time that day how far a fan has travelled to see him because they are his 'biggest fan.'

NASCAR officials too could get on with their jobs without of having beer cans thrown at them and their car overturned just because they had the nerve to penalise Dale Jr. for something so blatant it would've got any other driver a three-race ban.

Finally, the fans themselves could see much more sitting at home watching on TV than coming to the track and squinting at the cars a couple of miles away, then wincing when they rush past you so fast that you can't make out anything that's happening.

And an added bonus would be that episodes of Trackside would become watchable without hundreds of fans hooting and hollering in the back of the picture."

It is unknown when or even if NASCAR will announce changes to its restrictor plate racing format. It is probable that come the autumn race in Talladega changes will have been made.

Talladega will then go on to stage a completely pedestrian and caution free race and everyone concerned will question whatever knee jerk changes NASCAR enforces as being truly necessary.