Turn palm upward, apply liberally to face.
Those are my instructions on how to react to the following slides, which are chock full and stuffed to the gullet with inappropriate celebrations.
There’s nothing wrong with a little bump and grind in sports, or a little creativity when you’re exalting in your latest victory. There is, however, a line in the playing field you do not cross when it comes to celebrating.
The following athlete and fan celebrations hit that line, and then launch over it like MJ dunking from the charity stripe.
Warning: The following inappropriate celebrations contain some NSFW material. In other words, they are...inappropriate.
Nothing cries "victory" like a coiling your arm around a lover and digging deeply into their pants.
Usually this type of thing only happens to guys who wear camo cargo shorts, but I guess they were within close enough range for the vibes to remain effective.
When the world was informed in 2008 that Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg at a nightclub, the general series of reaction among people was:
- AHAHAHAHAHAHA—*breathes* No *Gulp* Don’t touch me, I’m cramping—AHAHAHA...
With that, the nonfatal, boneheaded move by Burress became a running joke, which Stevie Johnson made light of after scoring a touchdown against the Jets in 2011.
They’re large, they’re pendulous. They’re Marco Belinelli’s burden to bear.
After nailing a big three ball against the Brooklyn Nets in the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs, the Italian baller pantomimed a set of dragon balls he keeps in an invisible fanny pack. He was fined $15,000 for the display.
It’s good that he’s got two, but Belinelli is going to need all seven to resurrect Derrick Rose.
It was more of a taunt-celebration than a celebration-celebration.
Italian handballer Ivan Stuffer displayed a troubling array of conflicting gestures after receiving a smooch from an opponent, who had either chose the wrong moment to make his affections known or believed Stuffer was guarding him too closely.
Either way, Stuffer pushed the man to the ground and walked off, stopping to pull his pants down and grab a handful of man-root on his way to the stands.
Matt Cassel’s career at Kansas City hasn’t been the most glamorous of times for Chiefs fans, but things got out of control when he went down with a head injury in a 2012 game against the Ravens.
Cassel was crunched by the Ravens’ Haloti Ngata after dropping back and a large cross section of Chiefs fans cheered lustily as he laid like a pancake on the ground.
Frankly, it was a disappointing moment for sports, but no one was more offended by the jeers than the Chiefs offensive tackle Eric Winston, who called the crowd reaction “sickening” and “disgusting.”
“We are athletes,” Winston told reporters. “We are not gladiators. This isn’t the Roman Colosseum.”
I don’t understand it, and I won’t try to.
No one could ever explain to me the reasoning behind this man’s decision to teethe on his teammate’s Jimmy John in a way where I leave the conversation saying “Oh, okay. Sure.”
Again!? What is going on here, soccer?!
There must be a cultural phenomenon I’m missing, because David Villa was 100 percent casual about scalloping one of his teammate's potatoes after scoring a goal.
There’s nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, and I don’t care if that’s your thing, but on the soccer field? Had he done that to himself in celebration, he would’ve been fined, but because he did it to someone else, it’s just another day in the office.
The resident bro of the San Francisco Giants, Tim Lincecum let a little too much brody humor out of the bag while celebrating winning the NLDS.
After receiving a spray of bubbly to the face in the locker room, Lincecum served up a couple choice lines right in front of the cameras.
“That was right in my eye, dude,” said Lincecum. “Now I know what chicks feel like.”
When you live in a country where over 101,000 people have been murdered in the past six years, celebrating a goal by pretending to blow your teammate's brains out the back of his head off might not be your go-to maneuver.
Which is exactly what Chivas midfielder Marco Fabian did during a Mexican Primer Division game against Tecos in 2011, when he celebrated the second goal of a hat-trick performance by loading his “hand gun” and shooting his teammate in the dome.
This isn’t how you want to “raise awareness” of a national problem.
If you haven’t seen it by now, I pity you.
The images of Marshall Henderson taking down Auburn during the 2012-13 basketball season are priceless. Partially because Henderson clinched the game with some clutch free throws at the end, but mostly due to the fact he worked up Auburn’s student section into a frothing mess afterward.
It wasn’t the most sporting of celebrations, but I won’t go Joe Buck on the situation and call it a disgusting act.
But am I mad, bro? No.
Scores goal. Rips shirt off. Aaaannd fascism.
I have no idea what Giorgos Katidis was thinking when he celebrated a goal by honoring the Third Reich with a Nazi salute during an international match in Athens.
Katidis said he was pointing to a friend in the stands, but considering no one saw Dr. Mengele in the upper deck, you can go ahead and file that excuse in your spam folder.
After scoring his first goal since 2003, Boston Bruins defenseman Andrew Ference gave Montreal Canadiens fans the only finger that matters during a 2011 game.
Ference was fined $2,500 for the gesture, which he claimed to be just him pumping his fist. Whatever you say, buddy.
Valerenga forward Marcus Pedersen celebrated this goal by whipping out a two-foot long invisible Sonicare and brushing vigorously toward the crowd.
He’s very thorough, and makes sure to get his gums and the insides of his cheeks. That’s where the bacteria that causes plaque is.
You don’t have to be a sports analyst to realize this soccer player is doing it wrong.
Never forearm shiver/elbow a man who’s coming up to congratulate you.
I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume this guy had a really elaborate celebration he wanted to pull off, and needed some personal space. Either that or he’s previously been the victim of a bad dog-pile experience.
If you’re a football fan, you surely remember this vintage cut from Owens’ early years, which involved the then-49ers wideout running out to the 50 yard line and “claiming” the Dallas Star in 2000.
The star was reclaimed by Emmitt Smith later in the game, only to be staked out a second time after Owens scored another touchdown. As you can see, the second go-around didn’t pan out so cleanly.
Owens’ star incident wasn’t inappropriate in a lewd sense, but classless enough to enrage a subdued professional like Emmitt Smith, which is a red flag that you went far over the line.
No pants, no problem.
The game wasn’t over when Mirko Vucinic put in a penalty shot for Juventus, but judging by the way he took his pants off to celebrate, you would’ve guessed he’d won the World Cup.
The camera tried to keep it above the waistline, but you can clearly see he’s waving his shorts around like a helicopter, Petey Pablo style. If you don’t think this is wrong, then take a gander at the underoos he was wearing.
He is Joe Buck—Lord of the Overreaction, Keeper of the Sacred Code of Sports Ethics. Hear him roar.
So Randy Moss went over the top on his mooning pantomime at Lambeau Field in 2005, but for many fans, it was Buck’s pious call of the incident that rang through as the most galling moment.
Buck called the fake pantomime “a disgusting act”—which it would have been, had Moss actually dropped trow and exposed himself to the crowd. Rather, the wideout had a little too much fun rubbing it in against his team’s biggest rival.
After scoring what was presumably a monstrous match-winning point, ping pong player Adam Bobrow breaks out into the real-life equivalent of the Napoleon Dynamite “Canned Heat” dancing montage.
What’s that? It was his first point of the match?
Inappropriate. Hilarious. Annoying.
Somehow this manages to be all three.
In all fairness, at the time of the incident Islanders fans, had no idea that Crosby was going to come up with a broken jaw from taking this puck to the face.
That being said, in retrospect the "Crosby Sucks" chant has never been more regrettable and used at a worse time. Cheering for injuries should never happen, but it'll never stop as long as fans are still passionate about sports.
However, to see a guy like Crosby—who people hate because he's good or because he's "soft"—receive worse treatment than a Matt Cooke or other dangerous player...well, it doesn't make sense.
Sometimes you need to take a step back and chill.
After winning the 3000 meter at Helsinki in 2012, French runner Mahiedine Mekhissi Benabbad celebrated by smacking a gift bag out of the Helsinki mascot’s hands and shoving it in its big towel-y face.
The 6’2” runner didn’t know it at the time, but the person inside the outfit he was slam-throwing was a 14-year-old girl, who to her credit didn’t fall down.
If this were the NBA, both Benabbad and the girl would’ve been assessed technical fouls.
Looks familiar, except the 14-year-old girl didn't fall.