The Assassination Following The Impact! 04/30/09

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The Assassination Following The Impact! 04/30/09
You are once again graced to be in the presence of The Present aka Dozer. Dozer would like to welcome you to another edition of The Assassination Following The Impact!
Impact! Opens up with the Main Event Mafia coming out to the ring without Sting. Kurt Angle once again, starts off the show blabbing on and on. He talks about how he came to become The Godfather.
Angle says that Foley must pay for attacking The Godfather of the Main Event Mafia last week. He says that if Jarrett puts him in the Fatal Four Way match at Sacrifice, that if he were to lose; whoever pins him would replace him as Godfather of the Main Event Mafia.
Jeremy Borash is in Foley’s office talking to him, when Jeff Jarrett comes in saying he wants to beat the crap out of Foley. Foley said he wants to make sure that Jarrett has his back, and Jarrett said that the only back that Foley was going to get was the one that he turns on him.
Kurt Angle needs to shave his head, he’s starting to get a five o’clock shadow, or maybe that’s an overcast…Dozer’s not exactly sure.
They’re showing clips of some tag team matches that took place last week, as it would seem. And it turns out that Trevor Murdoch is in TNA, Dozer wonders if Lance Cade is in TNA as well. Nope, it seems that it’s just Trevor Murdoch who is now known as Jethro Holiday.
Match #1 - Amazing Red & Suicide VS Motor City Machine Guns: It seems this guy Amazing Red is pretty good, he’s a former TNA X Division and World Tag Team Champion. Well we all know he was actually a former NWA World Tag Team Champion, but they don’t’ say that anymore.
Mostly the Guns have controlled the match, but Suicide & Red are showing some pretty good teamwork together for what Dozer is assuming their first match together. Red does a really awesome move, almost like a somersault off the back of Alex Shelley and hits a spinning kick on the back of Sabin’s head.
Suicide was on the receiving end of a kick from both of the Guns, then him and Suicide attacked the Guns. Then Amazing Red hits a Hurrancarana/DDT on Chris Sabin—nice move there. Then Suicide hits his finisher and scores the pin.
Winner: Amazing Red & Suicide
Lauren was talking to The Beautiful People, trying to get some insight on Madison Rayne’s Stretcher Match tonight against Awesome Kong. Angelina Love asked who was strong enough to carry Kong’s fat ass out of the Impact! zone once they’re done with her.
They said that they’re not worried about Kong, that in fact they welcome a Stretcher Match. Then Velvet Skye said that she had to get ready for a funeral later. Then both Skye and Love get up and go off screen, leaving just Madison Rayne.
Lauren asked her if she was sure about this tonight. Madison Rayne said "A funeral, right…let’s just hope it’s not mine." Then they go to commercial.
We come back to hear about what brought Abyss to the office of Dr. Steve. Wouldn’t it be funny if "Dr. Steve" was Dr. Death Steve Williams? Oh, Dozer was wrong…it turns out Dr. Steve is none other than Stevie Williams. Nevermind, Dozer’s an idiot…his name’s Dr. Stevie.
WHAT THE F**K DID ODB DO WITH HER HAIR?? It looks like she stuck her hair in an electrical socket and had a porcupine as a hairdresser today. It’s hard to understand what Cody Deanner’s saying, but it sounded like he was insulting Abyss. Deanner must be even more stupid that he leads on.
We come back from Break to see the Motor City Machine Guns talking to Mick Foley. They’re complaining about Suicide, they want to know who he is. Mick Foley says that he knows who Suicide is, it’s Al Snow.
The Guns didn’t buy it, Dozer didn’t buy it, Dozer wonders if Mick Foley even buys it. Foley said something else that Dozer couldn’t make out; he talks to softly half the time. It would be truly awesome if Dozer’s wife would let him use the laptop during Impact! but she won’t.
So here Dozer sits on Thursday nights upstairs in the kitchen sitting at the computer desk watching Impact! "What’s so bad about that Dozer?" you might ask. Nothing’s wrong with that, except for the fact that the TV is half way across the room and Dozer can only turn the TV up so high because his father in law is watching hockey in the next room over.
Match #2 - LAX VS The British Invasion: LAX wasn’t coming out, and then they go to the back. SuperMex was laid out in the back with the British Invasion looking over him. Brutus Magnus even took Hernandez’s Feast Or Fire briefcase.
When Homicide was coming down the ring, he hit one of the British guys with the Feast Or Fire briefcase. So now it’s a 2 on 1 Handicap Match, and Hernandez has been in control for the most part so far in this match.
Dozer has no clue who these British guys are, and was hardly watching the match because he was trying to see what he missed last week on Impact! Dozer saw the finish of the match, but since he doesn’t know who these British guys are, he’s sparing you from having to read "The bigger British guy held up Hernandez while the smaller British guy landed a diving European Uppercut off the top rope for the pin."
Winner: The British Invasion
Match #3 - Awesome Kong VS Madison Rayne (Stretcher Match): TNA Referee Rudy Charles sends Raisha Saeed, Velvet Skye and Angelina Love to the back so that there’s no interference in the match.
So in TNA a Stretcher Match is a combination of a traditional Stretcher Match AND a Last Man Standing Match? They have a WWII style stretcher laying in the ring, and the only way to win is to put your opponent on it for a 10 Count.
That is the shortest and stupidest Stretcher Match Dozer has ever seen. Yea sure TNA doesn’t do everything like the WWE does, but that was just completely and utterly ridiculous.
Kong was in complete control of this match, if you’d even call it that. Kong hit an Impact Buster and two Awesome Bombs before finally putting (and keeping) Madison Rayne on the Stretcher.
Winner: Awesome Kong
We come back from commercial with The Beautiful People in back, freaking out over Madison Rayne. Then we return to the Impact! Zone where we see the Motor City Machine Guns coming down to the ring.
They call out Suicide, saying that he is actually Christopher Daniels. Daniels got fired 18 months ago in a Feast Or Fired match. Chris Sabin says that they are as smart as they look, and they know that Daniels is Suicide.
Apparently, Chris Sabin likes to check out Daniels’ ass, because he says "That ass is unmistakable." Sabin asked Daniels a bunch of questions, and then he calls him a low down, dirty, stinking, filthy, liar.
He says that he found a loophole to come back to TNA and steal his partner’s X-Division Title. He demands that Daniels make amends with The Guns and the whole world and admit that he is Suicide.
Daniels’ says that he doesn’t owe anybody an explanation, that Jeff Jarrett brought him back, and that he’s going to do what he does best; and that’s wrestle. Alex Shelley asks Daniels "Who are you Suicide? Huh? Who are you?"
Daniels grabs the mic from Shelley and says "I’m Daniels. And now…I’m pissed off." Then he attacks both of The Guns and then he goes for the Best Moonsault Ever, but The Guns get out of the way.
We see Mick Foley still looking around trying to find somebody to help him out against Kurt Angle. He’s in back talking to Samoa Joe, talking about the ‘knife’ that he has. Then Joe takes the towel off his head and just walks away. Foley says he’ll have to turn to "Plan C" and makes a call on his cell phone.
Match #3 – Abyss Vs Cody Deanner: From what the announcers are saying, it seems that the stipulations of this match are that Cody Deanner is allowed to use anything he can get his hands on against Abyss.
After being hit by a license place and a garbage can lid, Abyss gets busted open. Abyss then knocks Deanner down to the mat, then he runs over to the corner where ODB is. ODB gives Cody whatever it is that she has in her flask.
Then Deanner hits Abyss with a garbage can and then a few shots with a black kendo stick. Abyss is going through therapy in this match for sure, according to the advice from "Dr. Stevie."
Abyss was staggering on the other side of the ring, then Deanner hits Abyss with a running steel chair shot. Then he reaches into his "1980’s Fannie Pack" and takes out an adjustable wrench.
Mike Tenay needs to go back to shop class because he simply called it a wrench, but it was clearly an adjustable wrench. Cody was planning on hitting Abyss that adjustable wrench, but Abyss had other things in mind for mister Deanner.
Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam on Deanner for the three counts.
Winner: Abyss
Lauren is seen interviewing Daphne backstage. Dozer’s gotta admit, she’s actually pretty hot now that he gets a better look at her. He saw her in the ring a couple weeks ago teaming up with Abyss against ODB and Cody Deanner.
She didn’t look that good at that time, but Dozer didn’t get a chance to see her very well. Now that she’s not wrestling, and she’s just standing there with the camera focused on her, she’s pretty hot. She’s got a pretty sexy voice too.
JB is talking to Kevin Nash & Booker T in the MEM Locker Room about their match tonight. There seems to be a catfight brewing between Sharmell and Jenna. Speaking of The Main Event Mafia, Matt Morgan comes out and basically says that he wants to join the Main Event Mafia.
Lauren goes to the locker room and is talking to A.J. Styles about Samoa Joe and their match tonight against Kevin Nash and Booker T. Styles tells Joe to show up with his game face on. He says he doesn’t need this "Nation of Violence" he needs his friend, "The Samoan Submission Machine."
Main Event - AJ Styles & Samoa Joe VS Booker T & Kevin Nash: Samoa Joe doesn’t come out to the ring, so it appears to be a 2 on 1 Handicap Match, our 2nd of the night.
A few minutes into the match, the screen splits and we see Bobby Lashley walking in the back. Just then Samoa Joe finally makes his way down to the ring, just in time for a commercial break.
During the commercial break AJ Styles and Samoa Joe got into a fight, allowing Booker T and Kevin Nash to take advantage of the situation. When we come back from commercial, Booker & Nash were clearly in charge.
Joe & Nash were on the outside of the ring fighting, and Jenna was on the ring apron distracting the referee. Meanwhile Sharmell slid the TNA Legends Championship title belt into the ring to Booker T. He then hit Styles in the head with the belt, tossed it out of the ring and got the three count.
Winners: Booker T & Kevin Nash
Mick Foley is talking to somebody, saying that they deserve a big contract. He says that they deserve a big contract, saying that "You headlines WrestleMania." Dozer says that it doesn’t take a moron to know that Foley’s talking to Bobby Lashley.
Who else in TNA headlined WrestleMania besides Kevin Nash, Mick Foley and Kurt Angle? Dozer is almost sure that it’s Bobby Lashley. Dozer has been made a fool of and proven wrong before, but Dozer’s IQ isn’t low enough to allow him to count how many times that has happened.
Even Jeremy Borash says that it had to be Bobby Lashley that Mick Foley was talking to in his office. Now they’re hyping up the Main Event Mafia again. Dozer didn’t realize that collectively, they have over 75 years of pro wrestling experience between them all.
Kurt Angle shows up in Mick Foley’s office and Foley was trying to get the ‘mystery person’ to come out by saying "now," but he didn’t. Then Angle chokes Foley and then knocks him out of his chair.
Foley tells Angle that he can hit him with a chair if he wants to, to make it fair. He says that Angle can have a shot at his title at Sacrifice. Then when they realize that they don’t have a steel chair, Foley says that Angle can use Jarrett’s guitar to hit him with.
Just when Angle was about to hit him with the guitar, Foley decides that he doesn’t want to do that. Foley said "That’s Jeff’s thing, I don’t want to do that." He said that if Angle wants a chair, that he could make a call and have a steel chair there in less then 30 seconds.
So Mick Foley gets on his cell phone and calls somebody. He says "I need a steel chair in my office in 30…" and then he hits Angle in the head with his cell phone. And starts calling Angle a son of a bitch, that it’s about time that he starts earning his paycheck.
Then Foley goes into a clothing locker and pulls out Mr. Socko from a golf bag. Do they even call him Mr. Socko now in TNA or do they have to call him something else? Then Foley puts the Mandible Claw (if they still call it that) on Kurt Angle.
Just then the lights go out in the office and we hear a thud of sorts. The lights come on and both Foley and Angle are on the floor, and somebody is holding a steel chair wearing black sweat pants with a black zip up hoodie that covers his face.
It was the same kind that Scott Steiner was wearing a few weeks ago after Samoa Joe attacked him and he didn’t want anybody to see his mangled mug. Then the guy in the hoodie unzips the zipper, and it turns out to be none other than Sting.
There you have it folks, another week in the confusing world we know that as Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Shouldn’t it be called TNAW then? Only time will tell people, only time will tell.
This has been, is, and will always be known as The Present; so get used to it. Forget the past, don’t worry about the future yet. You’ll be lucky if you even make it to the future the rate that you’re going at. Stay tuned for another edition of The Assassination Following The Impact!
~Dozer~ (The Present)
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