Breaking Down the Anti-Swag of the San Antonio Spurs

Jesse DorseyFeatured ColumnistMay 28, 2013

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 21:  Manu Ginobili #20 of the San Antonio Spurs smiles as he leaves the court in front of Tim Duncan #21 and Matt Bonner #15 as his team leads during the fourth quarter at Staples Center on February 21, 2013 in Los Angeles, California.  The Spurs won 116-90.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
Harry How/Getty Images

The San Antonio Spurs are headed to the NBA Finals for the fifth time since 1999, albeit with a slightly different, yet comfortingly similar incarnation compared to the last time they made it. Put bluntly, the Spurs are kind of dorky.

It's the way they were back in 1999, same with 2003, 2005 and 2007, and it's going to continue as long as Tim Duncan hangs around and Gregg Popovich coaches the team.

There's something oddly comforting that they're not like every other basketball team around the NBA.

San Antonio exhibits hardly any ill will toward other teams, they aren't a group of guys trying to make a fashion statement, and there isn't a trace of peacocking among the group.

They go out, play basketball, win championships and then go home at night to have a glass of wine or drink a sensible beer.

It's not exactly right to say they're a blue-collar, workmanlike team, especially with the style of basketball they play these days.

However, their outward disposition is definitely like some of the blue collar teams around the NBA.

They play a drab, yet flashy style of basketball, but remain a delightfully dull bunch off the court.

The only exception, of course, is Tony Parker.

Parker has been married to a gorgeous actress, tried his hand at a rap career and he nearly lost an eye in the middle of a Chris Brown-Drake entourage battle.

He's a cool dude. The rest of the team just seems like a bunch of guys who play basketball together, and do it really freaking well.

Tim Duncan

Obviously the whole team's persona starts at the top and trickles all the way down, Tim Duncan being the leader of this goofy brigade.

Duncan has been around this team since it became the worldwide anti-phenomenon, and he's a big part of the reason behind the team's "lame" image.

So what makes Duncan the dorky leader of a team full of unexceptional personalities? Well, pretty much everything.

Duncan is an avid Dungeons & Dragons player, he has a tattoo of a jester on his back and Merlin on his chest, and he wanted to be nicknamed Merlin when he came into the league.

If you still don't believe that Duncan is a superstar nerd, just check out this commercial that he did with David Robinson way back in the day:

Gregg Popovich

Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich probably doesn't care about you; it's nothing against you, it's just that he really doesn't seem to care about anything.

Pop's attitude toward other people before, during and after basketball games is downright cringeworthy.

Sure, it's fun to see him chew out a reporter for a slightly stupid question, but when you start to think about what he's doing, there's a churning that wrings out your stomach.

His general attitude isn't really that endearing, and he seems like an incredibly abrasive person if you haven't known him for half a decade.

Realistically, he's the only person that could coach this Spurs team and stick out as the weirdest guy of the bunch.

Manu Ginobili

There's nothing outwardly exciting about Manu Ginobili.

He's an Argentinean who grew up tall, so even though he ended up playing basketball, there were soccer skills that ended up finding their way into his game.

On the court he's constantly exciting to watch, completely unpredictable and enthralling.

Off the court he's just some moderately tall guy with an expanding bald spot.

Matt Bonner

Save for the Spurs' "Big Three" of Duncan, Parker and Ginobili, Matt Bonner is the longest-tenured player on the team, winning a title with San Antonio back in 2007.

Not only that, he now holds the title of "Whitest Dude in the NBA" since Brian Scalabrine retired, which is one that totally fits him.

There's no player in the NBA who gives off a dorkier vibe than Bonner, and it may be a while before his level of dorkiness is matched.

For Pete's sake, the dude wears New Balance sneakers! Nothing screams "suburban dad" more than that giant "N" on the side of a pair of shoes.

The man facetiously called "The Red Mamba" will be the king of NBA dorks for the rest of his career, at which point he will pass the title on to the rightful heir.

San Antonio's roster is filled out with habitual job-doers from there.

Danny Green and Cory Joseph do nothing but fill their roles in the offense, Tiago Splitter is as goofy-looking as Bonner, DeJuan Blair is hilariously nonathletic, Boris Diaw is nearly as woeful when jumping as Blair and the rest of the team would blend in at your next company picnic.

There's nothing spectacular about the guys on the San Antonio Spurs...well, unless you count the fact that they make up one amazing basketball team.


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