After years of searching for a peace agreement, President Barack Obama held a press conference today to announce that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb brokered Mid-East peace via cell phone while in his Arizona home.
The emotional announcement was met by boos from 30 Eagles fans who made the trip to the White House, led by WIP radio personality Angelo Cataldi.
"He's had 15 years here. Why did it take so long?" screamed Cataldi.
"You suck, McNabb!" he added.
Echoing Cataldi's sentiments was Tony from Palmyra.
"You know what? If he had done this years ago, the world would be a better place," said Tony. "Every single death in the history of that region until now is on his head. Booooo!"
"Look at him smiling, up there, like he's done something," said Mario from South Philly. "T.O. was right about you! You ain't done nothing! He's so smug. He needs to be more serious. When he finds Osama Bin Laden, then I'll stop booing.
"(Former Eagles quarterback Ron) Jaworski was a better negotiator than you'll ever be, you putz!"
McNabb was his usual ebullient self. When asked about the booing fans, he smiled and said, "That's how it is in this town, and that's what I love about it. They put a lot of pressure on you to complete passes, win championships, and bring peace to the world. But no one puts more pressure on me than I do."
NFL Network analyst Deion Sanders chimed in as well: "This is why the people of Philadelphia don't deserve this great man. I hope the war just moves there and they just kill each other off like the animals they are."
When asked why he was choosing to condemn an entire city to death because of 30 fans, he replied simply, "It's God's will. Praise Jesus!"
McNabb was asked what it would take to win this city over after three straight Super Bowl wins, two NFL MVP trophies, and bringing peace to a region that has known hatred and bloodshed for decades. He said that he was not concerned with accolades.
"People are always going to have their opinions, and that's just how it is. I don't worry about what people think. I just go out and do what I have to do to be successful, whether that is scrambling out of the pocket, changing a play at the line of scrimmage, or getting (Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin) Netanyahu and (PLO Leader) Mahmoud Abbas on the phone to stop the killing, all while having fun.
"That's what it's all about, not the championships, not the trophies, not the millions of lives saved; it's about having fun."
Eagles coach Andy Reid was asked what he thought of the fans' booing of his Nobel Prize-winning quarterback.
"Uh, I'm not gonna get into all of that. Donovan is my guy. I had to have him take a step back and let Kevin Kolb get on the phone for a little bit, just for a fresh perspective. But it all worked out in the end."
McNabb told reporters that he has no ill will towards the people who drove down just to boo him. "I'm not one to hold grudges," he said.
"But I'll never forget it."
After the press conference, Cataldi and Sanders were drafted by the Army and sent to Afghanistan.
"I'll boo him with my dying breath," said Cataldi.