Tennis Wars Episode II: A Small Hope

FrankieAnalyst IApril 29, 2009

A long time ago, in a galaxy which is quite some distance away (and which some say doesn’t actually exist)...

Cue dramatic theme music and scrolling storyline.

The Spanish Empire is tightening its grip on the galaxy. When Darth Raf-er is not busy plying his not-so-short-shorts from his ass, he occupies himself by coming up with plans to conquer the only planet which is not yet under his control, “Blushing Pastures."

However, he fears that this may be his trickiest mission to date and has requested a visit from someone rather special to help him in his quest. The mysterious visitor is expected at Darth Raf-er’s home base, the “No.1 Star,” even as we speak.

Meanwhile, Roger Forehander, leader of the Tennis Rebellion, is busy seeking a space pilot to take him to an unknown planet in the outer galaxy which is not being watched over by the dreaded “Hermano Grande." He wishes to follow the orders of the famous G.O.A.T. Knight, Lava, who told him in the previous episode of this thrilling Tennis/Sci-Fi crossover series that he must practice with his Wilsonsaber in order to become Roger Backhander. Only then will Roger be able to defeat the Spanish Empire when he meets with Darth Raf-er on the clay of the “Red Earth."

On an interesting side note, Red Earth is famed for its unusual cuisine; on this planet, the inhabitants consider a dish of frog’s legs to be a tasty treat, rather than vomit-inducing.

Yes, Forehander knows that he alone must meet and do battle with the dark side of the Force. Should he succeed in this most perilous of encounters, he will be granted an honour which he has dreamed of his whole life: He will be named a G.O.A.T Knight.

The Red Earth has belonged to the Empire for four long years (which translates to four million years in “galaxy terms”). The time has arrived for the Tennis Rebellion to unleash this planet from the clutches of the Empire once and for all...


Scene One: The "No.1 Star"

The Scottroopers are lined up as a spaceship swoops down and lands in the battle station. Darth Raf-er marches down the centre of the aisle (formed by the Scottroopers) in time to the beat of some dark and overly dramatic theme music. He is making his way over to the mystery visitor who has just emerged from the spaceship.

Darth Raf-er: Saludos, Emperor Toni. Is good to see jou, no? Tankyouverymuch for making dis visit.

(Gasps and mutterings of “Och aye tha noo” can be heard from some of the Scottroopers as they realise who the visitor is. They have heard about the powers of persuasion which Emperor Toni possesses but have never witnessed it first hand...the force is strong with this one, no?)

Emperor Toni: Is no problemo, no? I come to help jou win dee Slam, no? I tell jou, when jou were only dee poco bebe, jou muss hold dee Babolatsaber wit dee left hand, no? And Toni was correcto, no? Wit my help, jou will win dee last duel on dee “Rojo Planeta” and be dee bess, no? But jou muss remember dat jou will say after dee win dat jou still tink Roger is bess, no?

(Emperor Toni stops talking, as he has noticed that Darth Raf-er is no longer paying attention. Darth Raf-er has spotted that the line-up of Scottroopers is not completely straight, and this has annoyed him so much that he is trying to move them about so that they are in a straight line.)

Darth Raf-er (turning back to Emperor Toni): Sorry, I no hear dat. 

Emperor Toni: Is no problemo. But jou muss listen to me now. Is ok if jou need tings to be in dee straight lines. What dey call dis problemo, dee OCD, I tink, no? But jou must be careful in dee dueling cos jou get dee penalty for dee wasting of dee time.

Darth Raf-er: I very sorry Emperor.

Emperor Toni: Is ok, no? Jou still have muchos to learn.

Darth Raf-er: But I am dee bess, no?

Emperor Toni: No, no, no! Dee "numero uno rule" is dat jou are never dee bess. Always jou muss remember dat. Jou need to work harder, no? We muss go for dee practice now, no? Or Roger may win on dee clay. It is unlikely, si, but always jou muss improve.

(With that, Darth Raf-er and Emperor Toni head off so that Emperor Toni can teach Darth Raf-er some new tactics to use against Forehander and check that Darth Raf-er’s Babolatsaber skills are still up to scratch.)


Scene Two: Outside a seedy looking bar on Forehander’s home planet, the “Emerald Star”

Roger Forehander has been joined by his shorter, lesser-known side-kick and part-time ally, S2-Wawa (For those of you who are not up to date with droid lingo, the "S2" stands for a brand known as "Swiss No.2".) Forehander and S2-Wawa enter the joint and make their way through the crowd towards the bar.

Forehander: Isn’t it just awful to be on your home planet and yet know that someone else is in control of it?

S2-Wawa: Yeah, terrible. Can’t imagine how that feels at all.

Forehander (ignoring S2-Wawa): I mean, these days I have to be careful where I go, as the Spanish Empire is always trying to track me down and capture me. They have so many spies, I can hardly trust anyone. I don’t understand how the Empire has managed to turn so many around to its way of thinking. I thought everyone loved me.

S2-Wawa (looks fed-up): To be honest, I wouldn’t really know. I always seem to go unnoticed.

(Forehander and S2-Wawa are now in front of the bar. Forehander immediately grabs the attention of the barman, whereas S2-Wawa seems to have gone unnoticed...again. This seems to have displeased S2-Wawa, who can be heard muttering something like “straight sets victory” under his breath.)

Forehander (to the barman): A very good morning to you, kind sir. Would you please be so kind as to point me in the direction of the pilot known around these parts as A-Rodo? He is an old friend of mine.

Barman: Most certainly, and especially since you asked in such a gentleman-like manner. I always thought it was a bit more posh around here when you were the ruler. No one wants to wear those nice cardigans now that you’re not in charge anymore. Shame really, I always preferred those to the tank tops everyone has taken to wearing these days. But anyway, I digress...the man you want is sitting over there (points). I think he’s reading the latest copy of “Galaxy Illustrated." Looks like he is absorbed (laughs).

Forehander: Many thanks.

(Forehander and S2-Wawa make their way across the room towards the booth where A-Rodo is slurping on a pint of Milky Way Beer, eating a space-burger and flicking through photos of various space babes.)

Forehander: A-Rodo! Good to see you man! Isn’t that a picture of Ana Astronovic?

A-Rodo (jumps and looks up guiltily): Oh, Roger, it’s you! Phew! I thought you were my captain. I’m not really supposed to be eating the space-burgers these days (grins sheepishly). Yeah, that is Ana. Some of these space chicks are mega-hot. I kinda use this as a dating catalogue sometimes!

Forehander: OK...whatever floats your spaceship, I guess. Look, don’t worry about the burger, I won’t say a word. Actually, I’m here to ask you a favour.

A-Rodo (looks incredulous): You? Ask me a favour?! If it is "Can I beat you in our next duel?" then, yeah man, you know I always let you win! (Laughs)

Forehander: Yeah, whatever. No, what I wanted to ask you is whether you could give me a hand with something. As you have probably heard, I want to reclaim some of the planets which have been taken over by the Empire. Firstly, I need to defeat Darth Raf-er on the clay of the Red Earth, and that is gonna be tricky. Secondly, and more importantly, I simply must reclaim this planet. The Emerald Star is my home. So what I need to do is go and practice some new moves with my Wilsonsaber before I try and take on the Empire.

A-Rodo: Sure man, I’ll help you if I can, but I’m not going with you to the Red Earth. I hate that planet. I can’t take the climate or the general environment there. That red dirt is always getting into my eyes. Hate the stuff.

Forehander: Fair enough, my friend. I would not ask you to venture with me to such perilous lands. What I wanted to ask you is whether you still own the spaceship called the “Millenium Server." I hear she is the fastest ship in the galaxy and that you are a pretty decent pilot.

A-Rodo: Funny, most people call her a piece of junk. But I guess you’ve always been polite...yeah, I’m still flying that baby. She can still jump into light-speed, too: Goes 0 to 155 space-knots in less than a second. Pretty impressive, huh? So when we goin’ then? You wanna go now? Sorry pal, but if you do, it is gonna cost you!

Forehander: Yes, I need to go right now. I’m willing to pay a lot. I’ve got a lot of cash, so I may as well splash it!

A-Rodo: That’s good of you buddy, but I’m not interested in your big ones. What I really want is my dignity back. I need you to let me win the next time we meet in a quarter or semi-duelathon. Preferably in “Blushing Pastures.” Could you do that?

Forehander: I dunno, that’s a lot to ask. You know I have my pride as well, but I tell you what. If I do manage to defeat Darth Raf-er on the clay, I will do your bidding. Is that a deal?

A-Rodo: OK, it’s a deal, but I think I still think I am being taken for ride here, as usual. Oh well, you always knew I was a bit of a fool for you, Rog. I always am a sucker for the good guys! Alright, let’s go. You wanna bring that droid of yours along too? He’s been awfully quiet.

Forehander: Yes, if that’s OK with you. By the way, where’s your pal? Mardyfisher or Jamesblaker...what’s his name again? You know, the one who always growls?

A-Rodo: You mean my co-pilot? Yeah, the author of this article couldn’t come up with a very good name for him, so he’s not here. Sorry about that. Guess it is just you, me, and your little droid going on this adventure of yours. Should be fun!

(With that, A-Rodo gets up, downs the rest of his pint and indicates for Forehander and S2-Wawa to follow him to his spaceship.)


Next time on the final episode of Tennis Wars:

Roger Forehander becomes Roger Backhander with a little help from his pilot buddy, A-Rodo. Backhander then finds out that his long-lost Russian sister, Princess Maria, is being held hostage by Darth Raf-er. He must release her so that she can help A-Rodo in some mixed-doubles duelling whilst he (Roger) finally faces his ultimate nemesis on the clay of the Red Earth. Should be exciting...stay tuned!



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