I recently posted the article "College Football: SEC Teams as Middle Eastern Countries." I didn't write it, but considered it truly a great analogy, as did several others who responded to it.
About two weeks later, I received an email from a reader, Rahul Nemani: "I thought the article you wrote about the SEC was hilarious. I was wondering if you could write a similar article on the Big Ten with a possible comparison to Europe because of the conference's age."
I'm not as informed about the Big 10 as I am about the SEC. With what little I already knew, a little bit of research, and Rahul's idea and sage consulting (he's a student at Michigan); I present to you: "Big 10 Teams as European Countries."
Europe has a rich, storied past...which is where it remains...in the past. They think they're still the most important region in the world, but everyone knows that the Middle East has a wealth of riches and is now calling the shots for the foreseeable future.
Europe added to its member nations, but refused to change it's name even though it makes no sense to call it that anymore. (Maybe Europe needs to work on its math skills?)Russia, the country everyone loves to hate, is still not a member of the European Union and wants to be independent. Frankly, they're a threat to no one at the moment and are led by an arrogant asshole who is only a step away from being whacked by the do-anything-to-win Russian Mafia.
ILLINOIS: Greece
Once a powerhouse, now little more than an insignificant clan of people who talk funny and complain a lot.
INDIANA: Ireland
A very proud people who tend to overlook certain types bad behavior. Using the f-word repeatedly is acceptable.
IOWA: Ukraine
Detached from the rest of Europe and really should be part of Asia. Covered with corn fields. Appeared to be emerging as a regional power, but returned to mediocrity very quickly.
MICHIGAN: Germany
A rich history, tons of talent, but a tendency to employ leaders who are power-crazed, loud-mouthed lunatics who always seem to louse things up. Germany's citizens are always ready to tell you they're superior. When asked about recent history, they tend to get quiet quickly.
MICHIGAN STATE: Austria
Germany's slow, loud, self-conscious and far less accomplished neighbor.
MINNESOTA: Sweden
Liberal whack jobs covered in snow.
NORTHWESTERN: Netherlands
Citizens of other European countries (and the world) come here to get stoned and drunk, ravage the natives, then leave.
OHIO STATE: France
Pound for pound the most insufferable, arrogant pricks on the planet. Weak leaders who appear to be accomplices in their humiliating defeats. Holding their own against Germany at the moment, but everyone knows it's only a matter of time before the tanks are rolling again.
PENN STATE: United Kingdom
Used to run the world. Run by a beloved, geriatric figurehead who simply refuses to retire.
PURDUE: Norway
The secret to Norway's marginal success is that it's so boring, no one pays it any attention.
WISCONSIN: Poland
Filled with hulking pasty-white drunks with "ski" at the end of their last name. Looks tough, but easily rolled. Lots of jokes are made at their expense.
Comments (26) Add a comment »
from about 1 month ago
Another brilliant article! Thanks again!
from about 1 month ago
France, huh? We'll see.
from about 1 month ago
Uh...I think we HAVE seen. What would be more appropriate? "Ohio State army rifle for sale...never fired but dropped in every big game..."
from about 1 month ago
Yes, the did get their ass handed to them in the past two BCS Championship games, and saying they got their ass handed to them is way too kind, but please, save me the generalizations. All programs go through ups and downs and a down 11-2 is much better than a down 6-6. Everything is cyclical and someday they will finally beat an SEC team in a bowl game. Just be prepared.
from about 1 month ago
0-9 is not a generalization, merely a fact.
If the sycophantic sports media didn't proclaim Ohio State "unbeatable" each year and have OSU fans buying it like ice water in hell, then your ominous warning to "be prepared" wouldn't be so laughable...especially since OSU did "get their ass handed to them in the past two BCS Championship games."
Yes, 11-2 is good. Do you know who went 18-1?
from about 1 month ago
0-9 is a fact. The Big Ten is awful right now, also a fact. It's going to be awful until UM, PSU and anyone else who would love to step up get their programs in order, also a fact.
The media pimps the SEC as mcuh as tOSU. If you think tOSU is never going to beat an SEC team that is laughable. It probably won't be in 2009 and may not be 2010 but it will happen, so yes you should be prepared, especially if it's Tennessee.
18-1? Um, Hawai'i maybe BYU?
from about 1 month ago
The New England Patriots were 18-1. They were unbeatable...until a rag-tag bunch who nobody gave a chance did the unthinkable. I don't remember anyone thinking Florida could beat OSU last year. It was looked upon by the disgusting media pimps like ESPN as though the game was a mere formality.
OSU makes it to the final again...this time, they'll be ready. Same result.
I guess my point is, Ohio State has the "kicking your sister's ass" problem. If you kick her ass, well...that's what was supposed to happen. If you don't, you're a punch line on the school yard.
Lately, OSU has that whole France vibe going...that's all. For the time being, SEC fans have delicious images of OSU quarterbacks running for their lives and being chased down from behind by 275 pound leviathans.
I'm quite sure OSU and the Big Eleven will emerge from their funk. Hey, you've got that unheard of recruit coming in at quarterback...what was his name again?
from about 1 month ago
I'm a huge Buckeye and even I can't disagree with Eric's analysis of Ohio State as France. The media likes to blow smoke up our ass (although I think that free ride finished after LSU won the BCS championship in January), and I have no idea what to make of the 2008 season.
I mean seriously: Start with a cupcake (YSU), play a hard-ass OOC game in hostile territory (USC), and then play a few more cupcakes until Penn State, at MSU, at Wisky, at Illinois and a hard-as-hell to read game vs. Rich Rodriguez and TSUN. This could be one hell of a season for the Bucks (at least, one to shut up the naysayers) or it could be a huge disappointment. Seems like it all depends on what happens with that USC game.
from about 1 month ago
LOL. I know you meant the Patriots I was just being a smart ass. :)
I 100% agree with the "kicking your sister's ass" analogy. Hence my comment about the other Big Ten tems needing to step it up. If you don't play anybody you should beat them. And that scenario doesn't help you in the Bowl Season, as evident in the last two BCS games, when you play the creme de la creme (yes a purposely used French analogy).
The Big Ten, hopefully, will get out of their funk but I don't see it for a few years. I just hope tOSU can stay ahead of the curve there and catch up to the SEC, PAC-10, et al. If not the embarassment will only continue.
Until then to the victors go the spoils and right now tOSU and the Big Ten deserve the ribbing they are taking from the SEC. Liek you said, 0-9 IS 0-9!
Just be prepared for some friendly banter if they even turn the tables. I hope...
Peace.
from about 1 month ago
Oh, trust me...Tennessee fans get PLENTY of practice in the "friendly banter" category! You needn't worry there. Humility, fake or otherwise, is an art form in the south.
from about 1 month ago
Keep these up...I'm interested to see your ones on the Big 12 and Pac 10.
from about 1 month ago
I get the 'Notre Dame is the enemy' analogy by making ND Russia, but I think it would make more sense to make ND Switzerland. As a nation, it's among the most, if not the most, well known for being independent/neutral. Oh, and it's entirely surrounded by Europe but not a member of the EU/ smack-dab in the middle of Big Ten country but not a member.
from about 1 month ago
Either way THAT is funny.
from about 1 month ago
Yeah, and ND fans are just about as obnoxious as Swiss people.
from about 1 month ago
As the gears turn, I might also include Vatican City as a nation-possibility for ND.
from about 1 month ago
I considered that. It seemed a good fit...but there are just too many people that hate ND and Russia and want to see either/both fail. I couldn't resist.
from about 1 month ago
Fair enough--- anyway, good list! Keep up the good work.
from about 1 month ago
Haha awesome article. Keep em coming— Big 12, Pac 10. This is good stuff.
from about 1 month ago
Both of these "football programs as countries" articles have been really funny, we should all brain storm ideas for other conferences and try to keep it going.
from about 1 month ago
I'm already working on the Pac-10 as Asian countries...send me your ideas and preferences: ericpjackson@gmail.com.
from about 1 month ago
You also misses with Wisconsin (correlated to the Poles--I am a Polish cheesehead, so I know) "who despite less resources actually put up more of a fight agains the Germans than the vaunted French." I point out that the Badgers have won three Big Ten football titles since 1992, and the last three Big Ten basketball titles. The Poles offered the second most European troops for the landing at Normandy.
But dissing Bucky aside, I loved your post.
from about 1 month ago
You should do the ACC as the "power" countries. Like the USA, Canada, Australia, Mexico, or Russia.
from about 1 month ago
Vatican City for Notre Dame is perfect! Sweet Article! I await the day for the other 4 BCS conferences.
from about 1 month ago
This is brilliant work. I laughed the whole way through. As an Ohio native I especially enjoyed the comments on Ohio State.
from 29 days ago
That was hilarious. awesome idea and article.
from 20 days ago
These two articles were outstanding!!
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