Shane Battier's Awesome New Mustache Is Something You Must See

Jesse DorseyFeatured ColumnistMay 1, 2013

Shane Battier is growing a mustache, and hopefully he never lets it stop.

In fact, I hope Battier lets his bristly companion run wild until he can't stand it anymore. That way all the rest of the members of the Miami Heat realize just how freaking cool he looks and decide that they want to get in on the action.

"I don't know what to call this, to be honest with you."…

— Tom Haberstroh (@tomhaberstroh) May 1, 2013

While Battier's new lip whiskers remain a shadow of what they could be one day, the intent is obvious. It's time to toughen up the Miami Heat.

There's no other reason to grow a horseshoe mustache than to look as badass as possible, and Battier is well on his way.

First, he's grown his hair out just a bit so you can't see the wrinkly chrome dome that we've been accustomed to seeing, and now he's letting loose with the beginnings of a marvelous soup-strainer.

In the annals of time, there are handlebar mustache-wearing men that can't be argued with. The power of their 'stache is just too much to ignore.

Hulk Hogan, Ben Stiller in Dodgeball, Joe Namath, Aaron Rodgers, Andre DawsonJohn WensinkCal Clutterbuck, Cincinnati Reds backup catcher Corky Miller; these are dudes who struck fear into the hearts of their opponents, just before jetting off to woo some ladies.

That's what Battier has to be going for with the horseshoe-shaped stubble lurking below his nose. With a mustache like that, there's an automatic 48 percent increase in the chance that a fight will break out.

He knows the Heat are in line to take on the Chicago Bulls in the second round of the playoffs, so he's gearing up to get physical and show Carlos Boozer and the rest of Tom Thibodeau's physical bunch that they can't push anybody around without dealing with him.

Hopefully, the mustache doesn't kill his ability to knock down three-pointers. I don't know of any handlebar-wearers who could drain from long range, although I've never seen Corky Miller on the basketball court.