Here a shot, there a shot. Everywhere a nutshot.
Taking the occasional pasting to the pill box is an unfortunate part of life as a man in this cruel world. As a guy, I've always known the potential for damage occurring to my cash and prizes lurks around every corner, but like terrorism, I’ve always refused to live in fear and let the potential for testicular disaster dictate the way I live my life.
That being said, it’s going to be a lot harder for me to maintain that naive courage after this slideshow.
Ranking a bevy of sports nutshots isn’t exactly the kind of work that will land me a staff position at The Atlantic any time soon, but it needs to be done for the greater public good and well-being of the men and boys of this world.
So know this—if you ever find yourself in a situation that even feels like one of the following scenarios, remember the three C’s:
Curl up, crouch and cower.
Growing up, we all knew that one kid who would metaphorically kick you in the soft parts and then kick you again while you’re down.
These people are all grown up now, and they listen to Steve Aoki while backing their Mazdas into parking spots outside Chili’s.
After nailing a three ball from the wing, Florida Gators forward Chandler Parsons took a stern snap to the bean parcel from a waving towel on the sidelines.
I know you’re excited for your teammate, but that’s no way to repay a man for a job well done, guys.
Ramon Sessions was guarding Dwyane Wade perhaps a little more closely than the Heat superstar would’ve liked, and the result was Wade opening up some breathing room via a little pooch kick to the panini on the Bobcats guard.
Don’t worry, Wade is a wily veteran who would never do something immature or dumb over a game of basketball.
DeMarcus Cousins was going for the ball (singular), but managed to wrap his hand around and hit the reset button on Da’Sean Butler's guyPods (not brought to you by Apple) during a 2010 game between Kentucky and West Virginia.
If you’re not Butler, you have to like his hustle, however.
Middle Tennessee’s mascot “Lightning” was busy being a guy in a horse costume and minding his own business in the back of the gym when a spiked volleyball hunted him down and popped him in the Pringles sleeve.
He didn’t do anything to deserve this, and this event alone brings question to the entire system of belief that is karma.
While it sounds like a country line dance, the Suh-Sack-Stepper is a little football move that will inflict maximum damage with minimum punishment from the league.
Suh practiced his first Sack-Stepper during a 2012 game against the Houston Texans, where he managed to land a completely “unintentional” foot poke to the groin of Texans quarterback Matt Schaub.
While Cliff Paul is always ready to get his claim face on, Chris Paul is always ready to get his maim face on.
In this case, the maiming involved Paul tap-checking NC State’s Julius Hodge in the baguette after a hard battle for position under the basket.
Michigan’s Mitch McGary took a close-fisted smacking from Kansas’ Elijah Johnson during the Wolverines’ run through the 2013 NCAA tournament.
As you can see, the underhanded clocking might’ve been a sneaky idea in Johnson’s mind, but the cameras didn’t miss it by a long shot.
Referee Danny Crawford was lucky to walk away with his huevos rancheros intact after this overly excited piston-punch of a celebration by Carlos Boozer.
It obviously wasn’t intentional, but Boozer did look like he was yelling “GET SOME!!” during his follow through, which is an appropriate little bonus.
She led...with the toe.
This sports promoter and her scheme to lure men into offering up free tickets for a nutshot are wrong, twisted and against everything this country was founded upon.
I’m all for earning your way in this world, but these shenanigans aren't cheeky or fun.
Sure, you want to deny your opponent the post, but don’t go for a kick ball when you should be using your body to get into better position.
That being said, I guess that’s one way to open up the defense for entry passes.
A fight against Zab Judah was going swimmingly for Floyd Mayweather until his opponent became frustrated and dropped a “body blow” south of the border on the champ.
A brawl ensued after the low punch, but the fight eventually continued and the victory was awarded to Mayweather. That's taking your lumps.
Seton Hall’s Herb Pope went after the goodies twice during a 2010 NIT game against Texas Tech, whacking Darko Cohadarevic in the disco stick on consecutive possessions.
Luckily for everyone, referees noticed the second time Pope stuck his hand in the dessert tray and ejected him from the game.
Someone get this man an ice pack and a Bronze Star.
Former Oakland Raiders defensive end Tyler Brayton served up a hard knee bone to Jerramy Stevens’ biscuit basket during a 2006 game in Seattle.
Miraculously, Stevens stayed upright and didn’t crumple under the groin-jarring onslaught. That’s worthy of at least a Purple Heart—or another purple organ.
Two Rays fan became the first victims of a crotch-to-face ricochet when a home run ball entered the stands at a 2012 game between Tampa Bay and the Oakland A's.
This is the Double Down of sports accidents—twice the goodness, as well as all of the things that make you a bad person for enjoying it.
A pitch dove a little too quick for this catcher, and the man paid the price.
You either need to be fast or wear a cup if you’re a catcher. You can’t do both if you ever aspire to procreate and keep the species going.
Frustration can make a man do some stupid things.
One of these stupid things is wind up and deliver a closed-fisted sucker punch to the groin of another man in front of a row of television cameras, as Serge Ibaka did to Blake Griffin during a March game between the Los Angeles Clippers and the Oklahoma City Thunder.
Does that look clean to you?
Boxer Otis “Magic” Grant was caught down low by an “accidental” punch to the groin, and given five minutes to recover by officials.
And by “given five minutes to recover,” the rules mean given five minutes to sit in the corner, shuddering and questioning everything he knew about boxing.
Limbs are flying pretty much anywhere and everywhere during most mixed martial arts matches, and sometimes the few areas protected by the sports rules still receive a thorough bashing.
That being said, this UFC fight opens up with a royal egg-beating for one combatant, who quickly found himself on the wrong end of a wild kick to the YOLO yolks from his ginger opponent.
You’ve got to use everything at your disposal to get in the way to keep the opponent from scoring when you’re playing defense.
That being said, former Real Madrid star Ronaldo unintentionally treated his body like Native Americans once treated buffalo, and used every last part of himself to his advantage.
Stephen Strasburg slathered a little extra English on this 96 mph fastball, and the result was a trip to the dirt for this umpire.
The ball started left, shifted right and slipped just inside the ump's sackular strike zone.
Adding injury to insult, Phil Babbs “post-traumatic” slide into the bars not only missed the ball but mangled his blintz quite tragically.
Fortunately, no permanent damage was done to Babbs, outside of the emotional damage of being the soccer player most remembered for pioneering the “nutcracker” slide.
Another instant classic for the umpire, home plate official John Hirschbeck had the unfortunate experience of receiving a foul tip to the groin during a game between the Angels and Rangers this April.
The 91 mph fastball skipped off the bottom of A.J. Pierzynski’s bat and tipper-ed Hirschbeck in the worst way, sending the ump down for the count.
UNC attack man Jimmy Bitter took a vicious shot to the pills during a game against in-state rival Duke.
Cup or no cup, you’re going to feel the wrath when a long-pole defender lands a full rotation swing on your STX Stallion.
“I used to be a soccer player like you, until I took a dragon kick to the danishes...”
All Skyrim jokes aside, this is a criminal example of what happens when kick-happy soccer players use their legs to play the game the wrong way.
A bat boy at a 1997 Oakland A’s game was put into a world of hurt after a foul tipper off Jose Canseco’s bat whistled into his special carry-on baggage.
*Skirts around making a joke about steroids and their affects on male genitalia.*
This is what happens when you start playing “pocket pool” for keeps.
Look into the eyes of Nicolas Batum.
Have you ever seen such malevolence? Such unrepentant disregard for private property?
No, you haven’t, probably because no one has attacked a man’s private parts with this much evil intent since Catherine Kieu Becker.
French skier Yannick Bertrand takes a flag gate to the croque monsieurs during a downhill slalom competition in Norway.
Just hearing the keening, high-pitched scream of pain Bertrand makes is enough to make you shrink up inside.
I fully agree with the commentator’s reaction—this Frenchman definitely needs a hug to go with this quick surrender.
You can say or do anything in the name of science—you can even place yourself on the receiving end a of a 50 mph serve to the Funyuns from a tennis ball machine.
But don’t worry, they got “amazing science out of this,” most notable of which is the mind-blowing data that your heart rate increases when you know you’re about to be hit in the balls incredibly hard.
Another baffling discovery was the human body’s response to painful stimuli, which we knew nothing about beforehand.
It’s a wonder the entire Anaheim Ducks bench—nay, every male in attendance the game—wasn't welling with tears after Bobby Ryan caught this blinding slapshot in his Peyton Man-Thing.
You don’t wish this kind of wing-nutting upon your worst enemy.
Two slides, one crunch.
One of these two players will never listen to the Scissor Sisters again after this freaky leg-locking, groin-perforating challenge.
Stay on your feet and pray for protection, my friends.
This cricket player is lucky his goods weren’t pulverized into into Cheez Whiz. Few men can take a head-on shot to the organzolas like this and live to see grandchildren.
“Dude, I felt that all up on my shins like maaaan,” American Gladiator Justice said after shin-kicking combat expert Kirby Roy’s avocados into fine homemade guacamole.
And we at home felt it as well—the sensation of our loins crying as they scamper up behind our stomach, that is.
An Australian A-League match took a nasty turn after John Hutchinson received a flying kick up into his groin from striker Carlos Hernandez.
The whole incident was an unfortunate mishap, but there's no mistaking Hernandez’s leg sneaking up and under Hutchinson’s grab bag and blasting it into the Danger Zone.
Warning: if you ever wanted to make it through this life without ever having to hear the phrase “axe-kick in the groin,” welp, you’ve just failed.
Eric Prindle was warned, but when a heel-first thunder chop to the custard kebabs presents itself, apparently it’s just too much for him to turn down.
New rule: You get in the ring with a very alive, very pissed-off bull, you can’t complain when your groin gets hoof-clopped into wood glue.
That being said, this desperado managed a remarkably quick retreat after a bull delivered its full body weight down onto his pelvic region.
I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but apparently Keith Hackney’s punches on Joe Son’s groin during this UFC match were 100 percent legal.
But from what I’ve read about Son, if any man or beast deserved this kind of treatment in the ring, it would be him.
Chances are you’ve seen this before—the pole vaulter who landed bag-first on the end of a carbon fiber vault stick at the 2000 Sydney Olympics.
It’s an absolutely unmistakable nutshot—the shuddering contact between the vault stick and bean bag are literally displayed up-close and in slow-motion. What you might not have known, however, is that this man is Ukrainian pole vaulter Denys Yurchenko.
Yurchenko was rushed to a hospital with a serious cut to the cods after this, but was able to recuperate and return to vaulting in three months.
So, happy ending-ish?
Spain’s most popular bullfighter, Jose Tomas, literally took about four inches of a bull’s horns to the groin during a 2010 bull fight in Mexico.
Tomas survived, but lost 17 pints of blood before his wounds could be treated and surgically repaired (doctors were in such a rush to save him they didn’t have time to anesthetize Tomas).
No word yet on whether or not the bull was given flowers and paid in cud for winning the fight.