I don’t care about the draft. I’m done with it.
I have read so many mock drafts, prospect analysis, and trade rumors that my brain has turned to jelly.
The bickering of Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay whisper in my ear as I go to sleep. I have giant draft boards chasing me, I’m mixing up 40 times with the three-cone drill, and Andre Smith’s man boobs won’t leave me alone.
It’s maddening. The uncertainty is deafening. My only peace of mind is knowing that Al Davis will draft someone fast.
To combat this boarder line insanity, I have thought of a few interesting questions for draft day. These questions put me at ease because these questions pretty much have nothing to do with the draft itself.
I thought I’d share these scattered thoughts for those who are tired of the same old questions about what’s going to happen in the draft. If I hear one more discussion on who will be the "steal of the draft," I'm going to scream.
ESPN or NFL Network?
Both with be covering the draft in its entirety. Some don’t have NFL Network, but for those that do, which do you watch?
Do you want to see Mel Kiper's armored hair, or Jaime Dukes spit shine head?
Do you want to hear a Kiper and McShay squabble, or a Mike Mayock bland analysis?
Should I be annoyed by Chris Berman’s overexcitement, or Rich Eisen’s “too cool for school” attitude?
You pick your draft poison.
When will Kiper overly criticize a teams pick only to be proved wrong three years later?
Mel. We love Mel…kind of. He’s like that uncle that wants to give you advice, but he’s drunk so you have to pick and choose what’s true and what’s just the banter of an angry man with suppressed emotions.
Sure Kiper, and many experts, get predictions wrong, but it just feels a little more special when The Kip has to eat crow.
How long will the NFL wait before taking a “falling draftee” to the back room?
With all the crazy possibilities involved in this draft, it is inevitable that one of the invited draftees will base jump to the middle or bottom of the first round.
We’ve seen it before with Brady Quinn and Aaron Rodgers. Those long disappointed faces as they see millions of guaranteed dollars leave their contracts. It is a thing of beauty.
I’m not a malicious guy who enjoys seeing people suffer, but I find this to be hilarious.
What they don’t seem to realize is while they drop and lose money, they slip down to a better team. Maybe even a good team. A good team means you will be winning. Enough wins means you’re in the playoffs. Playoffs mean a chance to reach the Super Bowl. A Super Bowl win means you've made your mark on history.
Dropping in the draft isn’t a bad thing. Being looked over can be good for you. Ask Tom Brady.
Who has the hottest gold dig…girlfriend with them at the draft?
Don’t tell me I’m the only one looking. Out of all the young soon-to-be millionaires, there are always a few that have a lady friend on their arm. You can tell which one is the girlfriend by how suspiciously excited they get when their man’s name is called.
How many draftees are cursing their fate with a smile?
Everyone wants to be the No. 1 pick…or do they?
Usually being a high draft pick means you won’t be seeing the playoffs for a couple years (if that). That might be OK since you’re getting paid, but we all know a couple of those guys are probably dreading where they end up.
Detroit? Do not enter.
Cincinnati? Detour me to the next city.
Oakland? Could be OK if Undead Al gave up his power, but do you really think that's going to happen? Once Davis wins the lawsuit against Joss Whedon for stealing his idea to make the show Dollhouse, he'll have enough money to start his own dollhouse and transfer all his brain into another person. He'll be here forever; just in a different body.
There are just some places you don’t want to go.
How long will the delay be during home interviews?
You might be staying home Sanchez, but you’re not getting away from the cameras.
The interview in the home is a typical routine in the draft. Too bad they are so painstakingly terrible to watch.
What’s worse is when they do interviews in the same building, but there’s still a delay. Just make it stop.
Who will be the most annoying group of fans?
The NFL Draft is a celebration of sort for fans to be introduced to their new fascination. Being there live, fans get a first class view of their new savior.
That is until your team picks the player you prayed for two months they wouldn’t take.
From there, boos poor down and a new love/hate relationship is born.
My pick for this year will be the Jets. They have been in the rumor mill for trading up, trading down, and everything in between. There are so many possibilities that Jet fans will eventually blow their top about something.
But Jet fans never seem to be happy on draft day anyway, so I guess this isn’t much of a prediction.
Those are just a few of the major questions I’ll be racking my brain on. Some smaller questions to ask during the draft:
Who is going to wear, “that suit?”
Which GM will look like they regretted whom they selected during the “after pick” interview?
Who will have the biggest family entourage?
Who will take the longest to receive their jersey?
How many hugs will Matt Stafford give on his way to the podium?
How embarrassed will Mr. Irrelevant look during his interview?
How many times will Jaime Dukes say “kid?”
How surprised will Chris Berman get about that’s that are not surprising?
Feel free to add your own thought-provoking questions in the comment section.