30 Athlete Instagrams That Were Just a Bad Idea
TMI isn't a new invention—since the moment humans evolved the ability to communicate, there's been a corresponding risk of divulging information no one needed or wanted to know.
The only difference between the TMI phenomenon of antiquity, versus today, is the sheer variety and tenacity of how we express thoughts and feelings.
Unfurling a letter penned with squid ink on papyrus—no matter how vile or annoying its content—simply can't evoke the same visceral reaction as a text message that says, "I'm pooping right now. lol."
An exquisitely scripted letter about pooping from a Roman prefect simply doesn't have the same potency as real-time words and images.
Yep, wireless broadband and social media are the information revolution—but for most of us, the two are more a platform for buffoonery than innovation.
Few have the opportunity and audience to unleash ill-advised nuggets about life and work as do athletes. And, few social media apps bring all this potential together more effectively—and recklessly—than Instagram.
Social pic apps have been around for awhile, but none match Instagram's popularity and nearly unfettered public access.
So, add all these ingredients together—give it a dash of ego and/or booze—and you've got yourself a treasure trove of athlete Instagrams that were just a bad idea.
30. Nerd Alert...But I Guess That Was the Whole Point...
Trail Blazers' Nolan Smith's favorite Instagram gag seems to be the "nerd face." I'm not saying that it's not a solid effort or anything; it's fine.
It's just that the whole nerd in a suggie thing is tired and plain old played out. Smith is funnier than this, and much of his efforts online prove that.
So it's time to retire some of the old classics, or at least shelve them for awhile, until they become amusing again.
Either way. No more of this...
29. From Shark to Poacher, an Awkward Transition
These Instagram pics of legendary American Olympian Michael Phelps are just a little unsettling. I mean...he's usually the one in the water.
That's not to say that he's related to fish and lobsters or anything—he probably isn't—but it just doesn't feet right seeing him gleefully murdering is fellow water dwellers.
Or maybe I'm just tired of looking at Michael Phelps, and that's what this is really about. Whatever though. At least he can spell his name, which is more than I can say for Ryan Lochte.
28. How Much Cammo Is Too Much Cammo? This Much Cammo.
To me, that is a question like the age-old Supreme Court definition of pornography. There is no exact definition, but they know it when they see it.
I think that applies here. Heat superstar Dwyane Wade's father recently celebrated a birthday in which he dressed up like a drill sergeant and hopefully didn't spend the whole day yelling at everyone.
Personally, I think the look is just too aggressively military, assuming he's not in the military. Although, maybe Mr. Wade is just into wearing a lot of green. Man...I wonder if he's Celtics fan on the DL.
27. Department of Redundancy Department
Okay, so it's not like these pics of Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson are super offensive or anything. Not that he's not plenty capable of offending.
But Jackson's Instagram account is basically a steady stream of strange-angle-selfies like these. The shirt, hat and location may change, but that's about it.
Hey look...it's DeSean Jackson's face...again... ::shrug::
26. We've Gotten Too Close, Too Soon
Like way too close way too soon, considering the name Janko Tipsarevic was completely unknown to me until a few days ago. Apparently this Serbian fellow is quite the tennis player.
He's not the greatest ever or anything, but Tipsarevic's career has been decidedly solid.
Certainly solid enough that the fact that Andy Roddick stumbled into a grand slam a decade ago, something he has yet to achieve, probably has caused a few restless nights.
Alrighty. Now that we know each other a little better, I still regret be subjected to these extreme closeups. I'll be sure to send you some of me clipping my nails.
25. Real Men Get Pedicures? Maybe.
But do they brag about them on the regular on Instagram? I don't know about all that. But I suppose Lakers big man Dwight Howard is big enough that he doesn't have to worry about heckling.
Well, at least not at the nail salon. At the Staples Center, however, that's an entirely different story. He's been being heckled on the regular in Los Angeles all dang season.
I guess he deserves a little "me time."
24. Ah Yes, UZA, Our Most Loyal of Allies
There's nothing like showing some spirit and down home patriotism for the good 'ole U.S. of A. But much like everywhere in life, there needs to be standards.
First of all, the USA is not the YMCA—so that was a bust of an idea from the get go. But the fact that they managed to spell out "UZA" instead of "USA" makes it all the worse.
Next time just stick to starting the wave and chanting "USA!" Follow it up with a lot of high fives. Non-Americans are really not fond of the high five.
23. Cutest PETA Bait Ever, but PETA Bail Nonetheless
Kings public menace DeMarcus Cousins takes his share of crap, much of it from me, for being selfish, immature, lazy and downright mean sometimes.
And it's not just me being a jerkwagon—his teammates and the franchise at large seem to share those sentiments. It's just so hard to concentrate on the bad right now!
I mean...he's got a bulldog in a giant can of Red Bull backpack. I think it's adorable and not really a big deal because bulldogs are health bombs with a lifespan of about three hours.
But man, the last thing is he needs is for PETA to unleash their attack dogs (and cats, I guess?) on him. Boogie has a bit more on his plate than he can handle at the moment.
22. Randy Moss Looks Photoshopped into This Pic
According to 49ers tight end Vernon Davis, this photo was taken as the team was approaching New Orleans to face off against the Ravens in Super Bowl XLVII. Which seems to make sense.
The boys are all gathered together, taking pictures of, what I can only imagine, are the backs of each others' heads. Although, what they're doing is so besides the point.
What's up with notoriously crankily arrogant wide receiver Randy Moss doing creeping down in the corner? There's probably a simple enough explanation, but I prefer the unknown.
21. Can You Ever Be Too Gangsta? Maybe a Little.
Honestly, I'm not sure what's up with Jamaican super-stud sprinter Usain Bolt's look here. I'm not implying he has any gang affiliations whatsoever, although it seems he's going for a gangsta theme.
But I've got an untrained eye here. The only thing I'm basing this off of is the way the wannabe Tupac white boys at my suburban high school dressed for dances and posed in pictures.
So perhaps there's more than means the eye going on—he could just like the letter "W." But Bolt needs to tone down the intensity when wearing his half skull bandana...just a tad.
20. NBA Rookie Sideshow Makes NBA Rookies Sad
The rookies in the NBA have it so good to the boys in the NFL. No grown ass man wants to have his picture taken in a snuggy he's being forced to wear and then have it plastered all over the internets.
But at least Chris Cope and Nick Young are wearing snuggies with their hair shaved into the shape of penises. So, there's obviously the momentary embarrassment.
But remember that things can always be worse. Much, much worse.
19. A Repeat Duck Face Offender: Now It's Me Who's Not Impressed
Despite coming up just short in her best individual event at the 2012 Olympics in London, American gymnast McKayla Maroney became one of the standout stars of the games thanks to her semi-sour-smirk of disappointment with her silver medal in vault.
"McKayla Maroney Is Not Impressed" became, perhaps, the most widespread internet meme to date. And her famous face even earned her an audience, and a photo-op, with President Barack Obama in December 2012.
Maroney seems to really be enjoying all the newfound attention. In fact, you could say that she's taking to it like a duck to water. Maroney is one of the best athletes to follow on Instagram and, actually, I find most of her selfies to be quite adorable.
But the duck face, girl. You gotta stop this thing right now. It's unacceptable and it makes almost everyone look like a complete idiot...except you...because you are so fantastic that it makes you look just...kinda dumb.
18. That Skateboard Better Just Be for Show, Young Man!
Remember how LeBron James skipped out on the Cavaliers a few years back, ripping the still beating heart out of the city of Cleveland, and leaving the Cavs for dead?
Of course you do! It was only the biggest to-do ever. And if you don't, well then you may be on the wrong website—not that I'm suggesting you leave or anything.
My point here is just that Cleveland is an abyss where sporting success goes to die, but the big man upstairs threw them a bone in the form of point guard Kyrie Irving.
At the age of 21, Irving is already a budding and beloved superstar. But if he breaks a few bones or tears any ligaments screwing around on a skateboard? He is gonna be so grounded!
17. Neymar: Please, No More
Santos forward Neymar is one of soccer's more colorful characters. The color I'm obviously referencing is yellow, since dyeing his hair various shades of stupid seems to be one of his favorite things.
Based on what I've seen of Neymar's Instagram account, he does nothing else in the world aside from play football, get his hair colored and take ridiculously terrible selfies of himself all day and night.
And how do you like the one with the gang symbol? Oh Neymar! You're just so tough!
16. Well Isn't That Special...
I like to imagine this isn't an ever day occurrence at the home of MMA fighter Pat Barry and his blood loving lady friend.
Actually, it's not tough to imagine that because Barry said they were just filming short film on this fine day. My guess? Romantic comedy all the way.
Anyway, even if this isn't just a typical day, the sight of someone covered in blood, whose mouth is filled with worms, or wormlike creatures, is something most of us don't need to see.
So, naturally I think this was a bad idea. Barry is probably beside himself with glee though. I guess we all win...and but "we all," I just mean him.
15. The Question Raised: Who Wore It Best?
The answer: No one. You both look like tool bags.
That was the question on Instagram posed by Nate Robinson and Richard Hamilton, who inexplicably skinned the same poor cheetah just to look that stupid.
I'm not sure if they both own the jacket, which would be terrible, or they both love it so much that they share it, which would be even more terrible.
14. OMG THAT'S a TOE? No...no....no...
Anyone who has played a high impact sport that involves a lot of running and redirection, like tennis or soccer, knows that losing the old big toenail is just the way things roll sometimes.
If it's never happened to you, I can attest to the fact that it's a relatively jarring event the first time. Then you kinda get used to it—on your own foot.
British tennis player Laura Robson was definitely guilty of a major overshare when she posted this pic of her mangled toe on Instagram recently. Some things should just be private.
This is one of them.
13. Alright Mayweather, We Get It! You're Addicted to Gambling. Congrats.
They don't call him Floyd "Money" Mayweather for nothing. Nor did he and/or his entourage stumble upon "The Money Team," which means God knows what, by accident.
The famously flamboyant boxer may be undefeated in the ring, mostly because he always fights obviously inferior opponents, but he's routinely defeated at sports betting.
It's tough to tell how much moolah Mayweather is flushing down the toilet, because some of his losses are offset with wins. But something tells me his Instagram followers here a lot more about his wins.
Money is going to be his particularly hard by his inevitable bankruptcy.
12. If You've Got It, Flaunt It. Like a Young Liz Taylor.
Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. doesn't waste all his money on gambling. He wastes a pretty decent chunk of it there, and seems to have a serious issue, but it's really just a drop in the bucket. He is routinely ranked among the top earners in American sports.
For reasons beyond my comprehension, Mayweather has more money than the Sultan of Brunei, yet I don't know anyone who has cared a lick about boxing for almost a decade. And he's not even a heavyweight. And he's a really unpleasant person.
But whatever. He's rich and fabulous and has a closet that any aspiring Hollywood starlet would envy. It's stocked to the brim with mink coats, diamonds, accessories, the latest fashions and probably a stripper pole for when he's feeling indecisive and need some in-the-closet entertainment.
I respect Money's bold fashion choices, usually, but this one was more than a little ill-advised.
11. Mickey Mouse: Officially Ruined
I don't know about y'all, but I tend to think of MMA fighters are seriously bad ass mothers.
The Instagram page of UFC's Joe Lauzon almost entirely made of of pics of his face, in various states of bloodied and bruising. Which is about what I'd expect.
But then there was this Mickey Mouse photo from Halloween a few years back.
Lauzon didn't mention anything about trying to make the iconic Disney mouse look like a child predator, but I'm assuming that's the look he as going for.
10. Well This Will Surely Help Your Reputation
Not that Bengals linebacker James Harrison has ever been interested in changing his somewhat notorious reputation. There are few players in the NFL who have relished that villain role more than the former Steelers linebacker.
Harrison once referred to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as a "crook" and a "devil." He added, "If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn't do it. I hate him and will never respect him." He may crush bones, but he doesn't mince words.
And Harrison is probably aware that a picture is worth (roughly) 1,000 words, which is why he posted this photo of the slugs extracted from his bullet proof vest to Instagram. So if you've been wondering what Harrison does to unwind during the offseason, wonder no more!
He puts on a vest and dares people to shoot him.
9. Is This the Opposite of Baby Dangling?
People tend to freak the frick out when it comes to adults behaving in ways they've deemed irresponsible with children. Remember (the late) Michael Jackson's infamous baby dangling incident?
Oh! And that time the (late) Crocodile Hunter fed raw chicken to a boat load of alligators with one hand and held his baby in the other? Remember how everyone freaked the frick out?
Skateboarding legend Tony Hawk seems to have skated by (see what I did there?) the parenting police here. Maybe they just trust that, as an athlete, he has a much better chance of catching that baby he just chucked up to the ceiling.
Or they believe that he has a levitating baby.
8. Let's Just Say That None of This Was a GREAT Idea
New York Giants safety Antrel Rolle seems to have a pretty good head on his shoulders, particularly for a guy coming out of Miami. I kid! Sorta. Whatever. Send the Hurricanes hate mail.
On the field Rolle is a solid producer who has won two Super Bowls in New York. And off the field, he stays out of trouble and is smart enough to save his pennies and ride the ferry whenever possible.
Yet the positive picture I've just painted of him is called into question by his Instagram presence. Not that his photography skills are the worst ever, but they aren't far off.
First of all, that's the dumbest tattoo I've seen in awhile—please lord say he was drunk or lost a bet. And what's with the gazillions of selfies? He's pretending to sleep in that one on the far left—why would you do that?
Keep it real, dude.
7. There's the Odd Couple and Then There's the Oddest Couple
It's always weird to see two really weird celebrities, obviously bonded together in some kind of really weird friendship. It shouldn't be, I suppose.
They're weird. They're rich. They're celebrities. Three groups of people that tend to gravitate towards each other.
So really, it would be weird if retired boxer and notorious ear-biter Mike Tyson and KISS frontman Gene Simmons weren't besties.
They probably get together with Gary Busey on the weekends to talk shop. Weirdo shop.
6. Sorry for Partying. NOT!
From relative obscurity to the Heisman winner quarterback of Texas A&M his redshirt freshman year. Johnny "Football" Manziel has sure been enjoying the spoils of success.
He's a young college guy, so it's not that he shouldn't be having some fun in school, but, like it or not, quarterbacks in the NFL are held to entirely different standards than the rest of the team.
It's one thing for Rob Gronkowski to spend his entire offseason partying his ass off, just to spite his bosses. But could you see Tom Brady pulling that kind of stuff? No way.
Johnny Football will do what he do, but I'd be more cognizant of the company I was keeping, if I were him. Hanging out with Terrell Owens? Not a great way to endear yourself to the NFL.
5. Michelangelo's David Looks a Little Different...
Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive end Adrian Clayborn has been enjoying at least a portion of the NFL offseason by traveling abroad.
He definitely spent a few days in Rome at some point and was there long enough to gain a great appreciation of classic Italian art.
Something tells me that barbecues at the Clayborn residence will never be the same again—that's the best I can do, because none of my jokes are SFW.
And neither is that apron!
4. Some People Prefer Coffee in the Morning, Some Prefer Champagne
Boxer Adrien Broner is apparently undefeated in his professional career. And it seems the secret to his success is champagne. Giant bottles of champagne. Golden bottles of champagne. Whatevs.
It's always fun to see a macho man indulging in something often associated with the fairer sex. It's less fun to see that he wakes up, pops a cork and goes joyriding in his Phantom.
That sounds safe. Super safe.
3. So Are We Hiding or Showing Off?
In the course of about 10 weeks, Miami Heat superstar LeBron James really changed course on the amount of skin (and bulge) he prefers to show off on Instagram.
Like really changed course. And I guess in a good way?
Sure he could put on a pair of pants and leave something to the imagination, but I'll take that over a giant man driving around town in a Jason Voorhees mask.
2. Remember Kids: Just Say YES to Drugs, Because Duh.
If you're unfamiliar with A.J. McCarron, he's the boyfriend of media superstar and BCS Championship darling Katherine Webb, who happens to be currently starring on a terrible reality show about celebrities bellyflopping into a pool.
That being said, it wasn't long ago that McCarron was the fancy-pants semi-celebrity in that doomed relationship. After all, he is the quarterback at the University of Alabama and recently led the Tide to a third BCS championship in four years.
There have been conflicting reports, but it certainly seemed that McCarron was initially less-than-thrilled about Webb's sudden fame. Which could explain why the, until recently, wholesome all-American type is now hanging with rapper Waka Flocka Flame.
The rapper must have been impressed by his super cool DRUGS hat. And it seems the ladies are too. Webb better watch her…rearview mirror…as she speeds away from this doofus for good.
1. And Now an Anatomy Lesson You Never Wanted
Great googley moogley! I'm not sure what else to say about Chad Johnson's grotesquely anatomical towel display, except for that it was just a bad idea.
It was a bad idea to buy those towels. It was a bad idea to model them for someone. And it was the worst idea ever to share the split-screen comparison of the two on Instagram.
Every time you think this guy can't out-idiot himself, he manages to bring the idiocy new and terrifying heights. Congratulations Ocho, all eyes are on you, yet again...which is all you've ever cared about anyway.
BONUS FOOTAGE: Because I Care About...Certain Things...
Since Instagram is a veritable gold mine of bad decisions, I had plenty of leftover bonus footage from this one. Here are just a few of my select favorites.
**Speaking of bonus footage, follow me on Twitter to see some of mine. And trust me, I'm prone to terrible decision making...so it could be worth it: Follow @blamberr