"Hey, pull my arm so I can fall down and rest for a minute."
To be perfectly honest with you, dear reader, not every piece you see here sails effortlessly from my mind to my keyboard to your eyes. Sometimes the inspiration is lacking; sometimes the material will not cooperate.
But then sometimes, like now, the piece basically writes itself.
The challenge here was not finding five Sky Blues who disgraced the shirt and pocketed ludicrous sums in doing so.
The challenge here was choosing the worst five offenders out of the den of thieves.
Fancy a drink or some popcorn, Scott?
And Sinclair did not make out too badly himself, reportedly quadrupling his £10,000 weekly wages at Swansea by donning the sky blue.
What did Manchester City buy with all those notes?
Not one goal in 11 appearances. Only four shots.
The easy retort is "well, Roberto Mancini did not give him a chance."
Did you watch Manchester City this season? Did you notice that they were having trouble scoring goals?
If Mancini thought Sinclair could help, don't you think he would have used him more?
Jack Rodwell banked huge checks to alternately sit and convalesce this season.
On seeing Jack Rodwell here, the first thought might be "gee, compared to Rodwell, Sinclair was a huge bargain!"
Rodwell cost City (reportedly) a staggering £15 million from Everton. He may not have received a raise for his trouble (as Sinclair did), but then he was already getting £40,000 per week, per the Telegraph.
Roberto Mancini and the Etihad braintrust doubtlessly saw Rodwell as a youthful upgrade at midfield who would free Yaya Toure and David Silva to weave spells upfield.
What they got, though, was a show pony whose legs would never let him trot.
Eight appearances, six shots, no goals and huge questions about his future are all City got for that barge full of cash.
Sadly for Lescott, these cameo appearances are all he seems to make any more.
Then Lescott got caught out of position on the biggest stage against Ajax Amsterdam, lost his position, and ultimately disappeared to the bench—when Mancini permitted him to dress at all.
To be fair, it is not entirely clear whether Lescott is actually a shot player or just a guy who is the fifth-best defender on a team that starts four great defenders.
For this season, though, Lescott was paid generational money to start four Premier League matches. That is absurd and embarrassing to both the player and the club.
"Carlos...I used to be good...what happened to me?"
Javi Garcia should probably buy Matija Nastasic a Rolex or a Tesla. Because the emergence of Nastasic kept City's haul from last summer's transfer window from being a complete washout, and Garcia was supposed to be City's best acquisition.
Garcia cost City a reported £16 million paid to Benfica. The rangy midfielder was supposed to be a poor man's Yaya Toure.
Instead, Garcia ended up being a poor man's Paul Scholes—the 38-year-old version.
Garcia was variously injured and ineffective. On occasion, Mancini tried to wring some value out of Garcia by hiding him on the back line. Injuries or no, if Garcia had been dominating at midfield, Mancini would have left him there.
Whatever City paid Garcia in 2012-13 was too much, and efforts must already be underway to either sell him off or figure out how to get some real use out of him next season.
Nasri's entire tenure at Manchester City has resembled a firework that never takes off.
After the shift Nasri put in this season, City seem poised to take anything offered to close the book on the Frenchman's tenure at the Etihad.
Nasri has two Premier League goals this season. So does Ryan Giggs, which is amazing considering that Giggs is 106 years old.
When the manager wants to punch you and tells the media as much, there is little ambiguity about how he feels.
Considering Nasri's reported £150,000 per week in wages, though, Mancini was probably afraid of a "you break it, you bought it" sort of rule being enforced against him if he biffed the little Frenchman for his insouciance.
For his part, Nasri had already established his own concern for his delicate self, submitting one of the most shameful punk-outs in a defensive wall ever seen.
That it happened on his home pitch against Manchester United, with the league results still very much in doubt, probably makes that moment his legacy at the Etihad.