Spoof: "National League Eastern Division Idol", April Round

B MacCorrespondent IApril 24, 2009

I'm going to try some new kind of humor. A combination of "So You think You Can Dance" and "American Idol" combined with the National League East of Major League Baseball. A parody if you will, starring the five teams of the National League East. Guess starting myself, my Canadian friend Andrew, and a fictional character in similarity to Vegas Rich.

The song lyrics are representative of how each team is right now or their motus operandi (M.O.).

I present to you... "American Idol:  The National League East Edition", Round One.

Please note, a small legal disclaimer: all likeness and names of fictional characters are purely coincidental.

Ladies and gentlemen please
Would you bring your attention to me?
For a feast for your eyes to see
An explosion of catastrophe- Saliva, Ladies and Gentlemen

Host: Welcome one and all to the show. Please come inside and enjoy yourself. Yes, welcome to "American Idol: The Major League Baseball Edition." Or as DJ Iggy from 97.7 LRR, Liberty Rock Radio in Grand Theft Auto IV would say, "you know, that show on television, ****ty Singer Competition!"

The object of the "competition" is to sing the song given to you based on your current style of play. Then a panel of "judges" will "judge" you on how crappy or how excellent your singing was. See if you can't spot and guess who the baseball teams, player parodies are?

Of course the fans will have their own say. The loser will the least amount of votes (Poll) at the end gets sent back down to the abyss that is the Minor Leagues.

Let's meet the judges now. On the right side of the table in the green chair, Snooty British guy!

Snooty British Guy: "Hey you yankee! I do have a bloody name!"

In the middle of the table and sitting in the red chair, over-the-hill, airhead, female dancer/singer!

Airhead singer: "I... I do have a name... but I forgot it."

Sitting in the cherry and white chairs on the left side of the table, our two celebrity guest judges, B-Mac and A-Dog.

B-Mac: "Yo pal it's Brian."

A-Dog: "... And Andrew. Get it right!"

So with out further adieu, let's get ready to sing!!! First up is Philadelphia's first professional baseball team (and one of the oldest franchises)... The Philadelphia... Phillies!

(Crowd cheers)

Philadelphia will be performing Bachman-Turner Overdrive's classic hit, "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet".

Why: Philadelphia choose this song due to it's slow starts every April. But come May and June the team lights it up and starts tearing into the league. They may look out of it at the end of April, but...

You ain't seen nothin' yet
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet
Here's something that you're never gonna forget
B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet
And you're thinkin' you ain't been around, that's right- Bachman-Turner Overdrive, You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

(Crowd roars in cheers as the they end the song)

Host: Okay judges time to tell us what you think.

SBG: "That was absolutely, bloody dreadful. First off, your backing singer is about 120 points off of his career singing key. Second, you have a old fat guy as your backup singer, a poor, left-handed backup vocalist, a guy with a beard... never mind. Outside of the old but new to Philadelphia lefty guitarist, the left-handed lead bassist with the L.A. good looks, the big guy on drums, and your lead singer, I thought you all stunk."

(Crowd Gasps, some boo)

AHF: "I... I... I don't know. I though guys kinda rocked. I mean your rhythm guitarist did not miss a note. Your choir seemed to be locked in on it. What did your choir go by again? The... the bullpen? And the other four band members did their parts well... I think... where am I again? Oh... your two keyboard players seemed to do their job nicely as well."

(Crowd cheers)

Bmac: "That British guy don't know anything... yet. I hate wordplay. Sorry about that. Anyway... I have been a fan of these guys since I was born. I have seen every low and high point imaginable. I think You all sounded great. Well okay... just a tad off on guitar but great either way. Especially the lead singer, Whole Camels; the lead bassist, Base Oatley; and the drummer, Brian Power. Excellent job guys. Now go beat up some Mets."

Adog: "They were excellent I think as well. I mean come on! A Canadian on back up vocals?! What more could you ask for?! I'm Canadian! And these guys despite losing to my team in 1993 are still awesome. The lead backing singer/vocalist, Timmy Collins I thought was spot on. And their rhythm guitarist, Chad Midge did not blow a whole beat. Not to mention the new signing of Raul as lead guitarist."

Host: the crowd will vote for their favorite bad at the end of this episode.

Next up is New York's "other" franchise, the New York... Mets.

(crowd politely claps, while three or four Mets fans roar into applause.)

They will be performing the cult classic metal anthem, "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.

We're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore- Twisted Sister, We're Not Gonna Take It

Why: I think that the Mets are tired of choking or coming up short. So they went out and beefed up their "bullpen". Beefed up their bench by adding Gary Sheffield. But will they finally be able to pull it all together?

(Song ends, crowd cheers)

Host: Judges what did you think?

SBG: Well I thought that...

Vegas Rich: that was amazing! Them Mets are amazing. You there! British guy! Get lost!

Host: uh... um... it seems folks at home that we have a new judge for now at least. Please welcome Vegas Rich.

(Mets section stands up and cheers, Phillies section throws their odds book at him)

VR: "That was obviously better than those bums from down I-95. I mean with Santana on lead guitar you can't fail. With Jaded Bright on lead vocals you can't go wrong there. With Jose on lead bass and los dos Carlos, De La Gato, and Belt ran, geez oh man, they beat them Phillies hands down. No further questions for this witness. Odds of the Mets winning: 5-1"

AF: "I... I... think that you guys were... a bit better than the last guys. The band back you guys... uh... what did you call them? Oh yeah, "The Long Middle Relievers" really helped you guys out. I got nothing..."

Bmac: "What on Earth are you people talking about?! That gave my ears heartburn, if that's even possible!" What was the name of the guy on drums for you, "The Closer", or was it "Fail Rod" or even "BB-Rod"? I don't know, but he was off beat.

Adog: "Look I may not know baseball... so I'm impartial to New York teams. Except those darn Yankees. (curses) Okay anywho, they did an okay job. Thought the song choice was a bit, overused. I mean who hasn't covered this song... ugh. It's been used in everything from used car to tampon commercials. But subtlety is the key here. This song, however overused, is a great fit."

Bmac: "Way to stay impartial to New York teams bro..."

Host: "Next up are the Atlanta... Braves. They will be performing AC/DC's heavy metal anthem, Back in Black.

Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back in black
Yes I'm back in black- AC/DC, Back in Black

Why: The Braves have revamped their entire rotation. This past offseason the Braves added veteran Japanese League hurler, Kenshin Kawakami; free agent ace, Derek Lowe; and Javier Vazquez. These three will compliment a young rotation which consists of Jo-Jo Reyes, Jorge Campillo, Tim Hudson, and veteran Tom Glavine. Where will the Braves land at the end of the season?

VR: "Odds are... I hate the Braves. This team's sound just hasn't been the same since Texi left them. I mean once Texi left all that remained was Larry. And you can't carry the whole band's sound on one player. I got nothing else to say."

AF: "Look uh... Atlanta was it... please get another singer/guitarist. Larry just is not cutting it. It was okay... not good, just okay."

Bmac: "Anything is better than those bums from New York. Tell me... Are you guys a classic rock band? I mean you got a 40 year old on the microphone in the form of D-Low. A 36 year old Japanese guy on drums. And a kid right out of the middle school garage band in Jordy Hafer on rhythm guitar.

Adog: "I got nothing else to say. I think the people before me summed it up real nice. NEXT!!!"

Host: next up in our competition, the Washington Natinals! Natinals! Washington Natinals. Wait a minute... Shouldn't it the Washington Nationals?"

They will be performing, 1980's cult Philadelphia rocker Tommy Conwell and the Young Rumblers 1988 number one Mainstream Rock hit, I'm Not Your Man.

I’m not your man
‘Cause you’re looking for a hero
Baby it ain’t me
I’m not your man
I ain’t nothing to hold on to
Baby I ain’t what you need- Tommy Conwell and the Young Rumblers, I'm Not Your Man

Why: Why not? I mean not even the Pirates are THAT bad. I mean these guys started off 1-11! They traded away their bullpen. They have maybe two or three legitimate Major League caliber

VR: "Too Easy... next team, these guys suck. Their upper management sucks, their coaching sucks, minus a few people on this band they all suck."

AF: (Snoring)

Bmac: "I actually concur with Vegas Rich on this. I love this song. I know the original guy who sung this song, he was my third grade and sixth grade teacher. You guys just disgraced this guy's song. Get off the stage. You guys stink like a college kid who hasn't showered in a week and a half."

Adog: "Zzz... huh? Wha? Oh, yeah uh... good job... nevermind. You have to be something bad to put me to sleep. And there's only one person who could do that to me..."

Host: "Wow... okay our final team is the Florida... Marlins. They will be performing Airbourne's, Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast."

I'll sit and spin for a little while
If it's the end of days
I'm goin out in style

Too much, Too young, Too fast
I'm gonna drink it up while it lasts
Too much, Too young, Too fast
I'm gonna tear it up so fill my glass- Airbourne, Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast

Why: This is an incredible young group of ball players, centered around Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla. An incredible core of young starting pitching and bullpen, centered around guys like Matt Lindstrom, Chris Volstad, and others.

VR: "Odds are... no one is as good as my Mets. But I will give these guys credit, despite eliminating us from the playoffs for the past two years. A young groups of garage rocking kids. I like it. Now if only they were on the Mets..."

AF: "I... got nothing actually."

Bmac: "Pass..."

Adog: "Lock to contend"

Host: "the audience, you the readers will now vote for your favorite team. The team with the least amount of votes goes home and possibly to triple-AAA. So... check your teams button in the poll or text/call 1-900-NLE-RULZ. Vote Often. Vote now. See you next month for the may edition where the stakes will be higher. and the playing better."

Host: "Until next time folks. You stay classy Phillies fans..."

VR: "HEY!!!"

Host: "and Mets fans"

VR: "Now that's more like it!"

Host: "Good Bye everyone from sunny Philadelphia, Pennsylvania"


    Pivetta Tosses 7 Shutout Innings, Phils Beat Braves

    Philadelphia Phillies logo
    Philadelphia Phillies

    Pivetta Tosses 7 Shutout Innings, Phils Beat Braves

    Matt Breen
    via Philly.com

    Report: Mets Interested in Jose Bautista

    MLB logo

    Report: Mets Interested in Jose Bautista

    Scott Polacek
    via Bleacher Report

    Ohtani's Splitter Is Most Untouchable Pitch in Baseball

    MLB logo

    Ohtani's Splitter Is Most Untouchable Pitch in Baseball

    Patrick Redford
    via Deadspin

    This Team Might Have the Best Rotation ... Ever

    MLB logo

    This Team Might Have the Best Rotation ... Ever

    via MLB