Dallas Mavericks’ center Erick Dampier wants to send Tony Parker flying. And we’re cool with that. Tony Parker is arguably the cousin of the devil, who is of course Manu Ginobili.
Parker is Robin, to Ginobili’s Batman; he is Shaggy, to Ginobili’s Scooby Doo; he is Dwight Schrute, to Ginobili’s Michael Scott. If Manu Ginobili is the composer, then Tony Parker is the first-chair suck-up that sleeps his way to the top.
If you took a poll across this great nation of ours that asked, “If you could send Tony Parker flying with a hard foul, would you do it?” I would imagine that more than 50 percent of respondents would answer, “Yes.”
It’s a simple choice, really. Not unlike asking, “If you could snack on this amazingly delicious Blizzard from Dairy Queen, would you do it?” Of course you would, because Blizzards are delicious.
We all know why we’d want to send Parker to the floor. He annoys us, in every aspect of his being. He’s French, married to the beautiful Eva Longoria, plays a soft form of basketball, uses a bidet, and suits up for the Spurs. These are all things that are tough to appreciate about someone.
If you like Tony Parker, chances are you also like ties in sports, movies starring Ashton Kutcher, capri pants for men, Splenda in your coffee, water in your alcohol, and pink sweaters on little dogs. You probably hold your farts in all day, too.
The fact is, no parent has a child thinking to themselves: “I hope my kid grows up to be like Tony Parker.” We’d rather our sons and daughters become accountants or janitors first. Just so long as they don’t do this.