Hey Lions: Billy Mays Here for Aaron Curry

Matt ChicoCorrespondent IApril 22, 2009

Billy Mays here for Aaron Curry!

In the market for a 23-year-old football player recently deemed the nation's top linebacker on the collegiate level? If so, do I have a deal for you.

Like Derrick Johnson? Of course you do. Well, this guy's better than the Chiefs linebacker. Much better.

OK, so you're probably wondering, "Billy, what are you getting at?"

What I'm getting at is 6'3" of pure tackling power chiseled from a solid block of granite excavated from the Blue Ridge mountains. What I'm getting at is a linebacker who will make grown men cry, grown women faint and in-grown hairs disappear.

Oops, my bad. Different product.

Aaron Curry people! That's what I'm getting at.

Not only will he provide his linebacking services for many years to come, I'm also slashing his price.

That's right Billy Mays here for Aaron Curry.

Aaron Curry can be had not for the $31 million guaranteed to 2007 top pick JaMarcus Russell. After all, we're not bankers here! And not for the $30 million guaranteed Jake Long landed in 2008. Did we win a war?! No, no, no. Aaron Curry, physical freak and all, can be had for less than $30 million guaranteed for the team that selects him No. 1 overall.

But that's not all!

Make him the No. 1 pick now, Detroit, and you'll get Curry's services with a smile. That's right, a smile! Curry won't just play for your team, he'll play happily for your team! Try asking Jason Smith or Matt Stafford to smile when they land at Wayne County Airport. Won't happen, or my name's not Billy Mays!

0-and-16 last season? Doesn't matter to Curry. Not if you make him the first pick of the draft. Don't listen to me, listen to Curry himself, as told to Pat Kirwan on Sirius Radio.

"After my visit to Detroit, I felt very comfortable with the coaching staff and the management ... And they brought in Julian Peterson, who I’ve always been a big fan of. I see myself in that uniform, and I could also see myself playing beside Ernie Sims and Julian Peterson."

Are you seeing it yet?

And think we're done?! Of course we're not done! There's a recession, people!

Not only will you get one happy Curry, you'll also get a havoc maker. That's right, Aaron Curry will wreak havoc for your team like Artie Lang at a cocaine buffet. 

Listen in.

"We (Lions GM Martin Mayhew) talked about just how things would be if me, Ernie Sims and Julian Peterson were together in one room, just to be able to go out there and wreak havoc. I told him I look forward to talking to him very soon."

That's right, Lions fans. Select him now and you'll get a happy Aaron Curry who promises to wreak havoc to opposing offenses.

But wait, there's more!

We're all familiar with Detroit's new logo, no? Well here it is. Make Curry the No. 1 selection and he'll pledge undying loyalty to the logo. So what if it looks like a horse? So what if it makes babies cry? So what if it looks ... FRENCH! Some No. 1 picks mayno, some No. 1 picks will be turned off by it. Not Curry.

"They made the new changes to the logo which I fell in love with."

He's in love. So to recap, if the Lions make Curry the top overall selection of the NFL Draft Saturday, he'll sign for less money, be happy, wreak havoc, and love the new threads. 

This has to be a limited time offer. Act now, Lions!