A Little Humor For The MMA Fan's Soul

Flyin' HawaiianAnalyst IApril 22, 2009

The month of April has seen its fair share of crazy headlines, both inside and outside of the sports world.  Here are a just few of the current events that have made the news over the past few weeks, and my lame attempts at humor that follow.  Enjoy.


At the UFC 97 post-fight press conference, Dana White announced that the event grossed over 4.9 million dollars.

In related news, UFC 97 also grossed over 4.9 million people.  *Ba-dum Ching!*

At the same press conference, Dana expressed his disappointment in the Anderson Silva/Thales Leites fight.  He urged Silva to never do anything half-assed ever again.

To which Silva replied:  "I can't do anything half-assed?  I made plans with a stripper with only one butt cheek later on.  There goes the rest of my night."  *Ba-dum Ching!*


Ed Soares defended Silva's performance at UFC 97, claiming that Silva had never faced such a one-dimensional fighter before in his career.

As you might expect, this caused Travis Lutter and his camp burst out laughing.  *Ba-dum Ching!*


Last week, a Russian martial arts expert was charged with murder after beating his victim to death with his bare hands.  According to police, the man was upset that the victim had infected his wife with head lice.

Hoping to get a similar reaction from Anderson Silva, Dana offered Demian Maia a title shot if he agreed to infect Silva's wife with tapeworms.  *Ba-dum Ching!*


Earlier this month, a London man was sentenced to 9 years in prison after being caught urinating in other people's wine.

He probably thought Lyoto Machida and Luke Cummo were in town.  *Ba-dum Ching!*

The Iowa Supreme Court recently voted in favor of Gay marriage, which will become legal on April 27th, 2009.

In a strange coincidence, Diego Sanchez announced that he will begin training full-time in Bettendorf, IA with Team Miletich on April 27th, 2009.  *Ba-dum Ching!*


Montreal fans booed loudly during the Star Spangled Banner Monday night, when the Canadiens hosted the Boston Bruins in Game 3 of their playoff series at the Bell Centre.  Afterwards, Canadiens head coach, Bob Gainey, scolded the fans for their behavior.

Apparently the fans were still outraged from Saturday night, and had mistaken the song for the Brazilian National Anthem.  *Ba-dum Ching!*


For the third consecutive season, Anderson Varejão of the Cleveland Cavaliers led the NBA in offensive fouls drawn.  In doing so, he officially claimed the "Flopper of the Year" title.

When notified, Thales Leites said:  "Damn, that's the second title I've lost to a Brazilian guy named 'Anderson.'"  *Ba-dum Ching!*


Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos failed to make weight for her Strikeforce debut earlier this month, blaming "female problems" for her inability to cut the final five founds.

Thales Leites came to Cyborg's defense, telling reporters:  "Believe me, menstrual cramps are a bitch."  *Ba-dum Ching!*

Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"  I hope you enjoyed reading, and if any of these jokes offended you...my bad.

"See, I write jokes for a living, man.  I sit in my hotel room at night, think of something funny, and then go get a pen and write it down.  But if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that whatever I thought of, wasn't funny."
-Mitch Hedberg