Celebrities Who Should Buy Up Jay-Z's Brooklyn Nets Shares

Jesse DorseyFeatured ColumnistApril 11, 2013

Celebrities Who Should Buy Up Jay-Z's Brooklyn Nets Shares

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    Jay-Z is selling his portion of the Brooklyn Nets after the team was in the city for just a season in order to become a certified NBA agent.

    Jay-Z and his new agency Roc Nation have already signed a big-name New York-based baseball player, ripping Robinson Cano away from Scott Boras in the beginning of April.

    For all the publicity that Jay-Z received as a part owner of the Nets, it turns out he owns just one-fifteenth of a percent of the team, making his shares worth a humorously low $350,000. 

    Even still, his presence to the team was more valuable than any money he could have ever put into the venture. He was a huge part of the plan to move the team to Brooklyn, and once it did make the move, it was so centered around him that you could have mistaken him for the majority owner.

    It seems that the Nets need a Jay-Z replacement, although it can't be as obvious as bringing in another rapper to fill the void.

    What they need is somebody with the same sway, but in a different way. They need a new, unexpected celebrity owner to sit on the sidelines and get into the headlines every now and then.

    If the New York Knicks have Spike Lee as their mascot, Brooklyn needs somebody to compete with him. 

8. Woody Allen

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    It seems like the obvious choice to be the yin to Spike Lee's yang across the city, and perhaps even sitting next to each other when the two teams meet.

    Woody Allen's reserved, non-invasive manner would be an interesting calm compared to Lee's ridiculously over-the-top moments throughout the season.

    While it's true that Allen is a regular at New York Knicks games, some have speculated that he's more of a fan of a good show, rather than looking for a team to connect himself to.

    He's a quirky, funny-looking yet recognizable face for people to see on the sidelines, plus he's an equally successful, niche directory when compared to Lee.

7. Larry Brown

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    Call it some sort of vindication for him, or just him wanting to look at basketball from a different angle for a while, but Larry Brown sitting in an owners box with a shot of him coming up every once in a while during games against the Knicks would be too funny.

    Brown was famously canned as the Knicks head coach back in 2006, making way for the incomparable Isiah Thomas.

    When he was fired, Brown sounded extremely sorrowful, but he had taken a job that was destined to be a disaster from the moment he stepped into the team's locker room in 2005 (via ESPN):

    I'm disappointed, I love this franchise, but I didn't do what I was paid to do. I didn't do the job. I wish them well and I move on.

    It would be the ultimate heel turn, the likes of which were only seen during professional wrestling's heyday between 1985 and 2005.

    Is it unlikely? Absolutely, but it would be hilarious.

6. Bruce Springsteen

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    It seems that the logical step after having Jay-Z as a part owner would be to move on to the middle-aged, middle-class, white guy version of Jay-Z.

    As big a name as Jay-Z has been in the world of rap, Bruce Springsteen has been at least as big in the world of barbecue rock.

    Springsteen, a New Jersey native, wouldn't have to be torn away from any past allegiances, and he would bring with him a hoard of beer-gutted 50-somethings who like to crank some "Born in the USA" every Fourth of July.

    Not only is he an equally big name in a very different genre, but he has the same basic political beliefs, as he and Jay-Z both rallied with Barack Obama in the 2012 election.

    I'm not sure if there are any weird Illuminati conspiracy theories surrounding Springsteen, but I'm sure the crazy folks can get to working on them.

5. Isiah Thomas

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    If you're looking for the funniest possible additional owner of the Brooklyn Nets, look no further than Isiah Thomas.

    Thomas was hugely responsible for the miserable mid-00s with the Knicks, as he became the team's president of basketball operations in 2003, took over head coaching duties in 2006, oversaw the team during the embarrassing sexual harassment lawsuit and was eventually fired in 2008.

    Knicks fans detested what their team had become over the course of half a decade, and in turn they detested Thomas for being responsible for a huge chunk of the horrible basketball.

    Bringing him in with the Brooklyn Nets, letting him sit on the sidelines and watching as the team grows into a championship contender "under his watch" would be priceless.

4. Matisyahu

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    Matisyahu, the Jewish, reggae, alt-rock rapper is just a weird enough personality to replace Jay-Z as the team's celebrity owner without trying to legitimately replace him.

    He was born in nearby-ish West Chester, Pa., eventually moving to a town just north of New York City before embarking on the weirdest musical career in the history of this country.

    Matisyahu isn't the big-named draw that Jay-Z would be, but he is entirely different, and different enough to bring in a different kind of crowd.

    His personality is perfect to reflect the newer, younger, hipster crowd bopping around Brooklyn these days.

3. Mike Tyson

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    If you're looking for somebody to out-crazy any other celebrity NBA fan in the entire world, Mike Tyson is your man.

    I don't think that Tyson has anywhere near $350,000 to buy a share of the Brooklyn Nets, but I'm sure he can get somebody to float him the money for the time being.

    While Tyson seems to hang around Las Vegas more often than not these days, he was born in Brooklyn and lived in and around the area for much of his childhood.

    The Nets aren't going to want Tyson anywhere around the front office, and they should probably keep him from getting court-side seats, but he would be a perfect face to plop a few rows back, or perhaps behind the media table.

    Even better, they could get him to sit directly behind Spike Lee whenever the Nets and Knicks play each other.

2. Beyoncé

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    If Jay-Z is going to sell his stake with the Nets, why not just take a pen and sign his shares of the team over to his wife, Beyoncé?

    Perhaps there's some rule in the agent certification process that says agents can't be related to team stockholders, but if that's not yet in the rule book, it seems to make the most sense to simply hand the shares over to Beyoncé.

    It will still give him a chance to hang out court side at games, it keeps him marginally involved with the team and if there's no rule keeping it from happening, he can use his wife's influence to keep coming back to perform at the Barclays Center.

    She would continue to be the big-name part owner that the Nets need to keep their image up, plus she could shove it in the face of the rest of the girls from Destiny's Child.

1. Nas

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    The old feud between Jay-Z and Nas is long over, as the two frequently traded barbs throughout the early 2000s, but there could be a nice subtle jab thrown Jay-Z's way if Nas feels like spending a few bucks.

    Nas eventually signed with Def Jam Recordings when Jay-Z was still the president of the company, and the two ended up being more buddy-buddy than anything else.

    He was born in Queens, where he lived for the majority of his youth and started to get into the rapping industry.

    If Brooklyn is looking to find a way to replace Jay-Z with another legitimate legend of rap, Nas would be the perfect choice.