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An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part One

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An Introspective and Humorous Look at Cole Hamels: Part One
(Photo by Jeff Fusco/Getty Images)

So who is Cole Hamels? Well, Wikipedia defines Cole Hamels as "a left-handed starting pitcher who plays for the Philadelphia Phillies of Major League Baseball."

Yeah, but who is the real Colbert Michael Hamels?

Hamels is really 100 feet tall. He just shortened himself to Major League standards. That way, hitters might have a chance in the batter's box against him.

DNA tests will conclusively prove that Jamie Moyer is Hamels's great-great grandfather.

The fact is Hamels is more than a person. He is a myth and legendary folk figure. I mean how else could someone outpitch Steve Carlton before they were born?

Could it be that Hamels is a mythic figure like Odysseus or Achillies? In short: Maybe, I don't know for sure. What do people think?

So here's the deal: Hamels. Yes, he is a left-handed starting pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, but he is also a legend. The late and great Harry Kalas once said that he could bring the heat.

It takes a legend to know a legend.

Scientists have tried to find out what the chemical makeup of Hamels is. They discovered that the chemical formula is IP9H0BB0K27, AND that those exact same scientists are renaming the fossil fuel coal.

It's new name is "Cole", and it has since become the greatest, never-ending energy source know to mankind.

Moreover, on the scientific part of Hamels, he has his own Periodic Table of Elements. It reads: 1F (fastball), 2Cv (curveball), 3Ch (changeup), 4Fu (brushback). Any exposure to 4Fu is instant death.

When someone asked a fan "who would have really won the 2008 Presidential election," he responded, "Cole Hamels. But he was too busy winning a World Series for Philadelphia. So he let Barack Obama win."

Though he's only 24, Hamels can run for president because his jersey number is 35.

Remember that line from Franklin Roosevelt's first inagural address during the Great Depression? "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Yeah that line. As it turns out, we may fear fear, but Cole Hamels? Fear fears him.

The only reason he pitches left-handed is because it was too easy pitching right-handed.

Hamels is used by the United States Government as an effective and legal use of torture. The application of mental or physical torture in order to obtain information or confession from a prisoner is commonly referred to as the "third degree".

The only confirmed act that guarantees 100 percent success in securing information is showing the prisoner a life-size cutout of Hamels holding a baseball, from 60'6" away.

While scores of people train to compete in the grueling eight-hour Ironman Triathlon (2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike race, and 26.2-mile run in succession), none are willing to take on the rigors of a 10-second Cole Hamels Triathlon, which consists of trying to hit his fastball, curve, and changeup in succession.

That course is simply impossible to complete.

The only way to be canonized into sainthood by the Catholic Church is proof that at least one miracle has been established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten as much as a foul-tip off of a Hamels pitch—and it may never be achieved.

Stick around for part two of my look into Cole Hamels.

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