Dear Commissioner Selig,
As you may have noticed, this Major League Baseball Season is off to a fantastic start. Fans are attempting to go to the ballpark despite the horrific economy, the games are exciting, and coverage of the sport has never been higher.
Yet several issues remain in the sport, and have caused several to outcry about these problems. During the course of this letter, I will take a look at some of these dilemmas, and will suggest ways to fix them. Please take these with all seriousness.
1. The AL East- This division is completely out of whack. The experts have been wrong from Opening Day, as this thing is tighter than José Canseco’s uniform. The Toronto Blue Jays find themselves in first place, AHEAD of the Boston Red Sox. The Yankees fall in there as well, but could find themselves on the outside looking in due to the fact that there have been 20 home runs in four games at the new Yankee Stadium already! This could of course work to an advantage as well, but with their pitching at this point, it does not seem lucky. The Baltimore Orioles started off swift, and guys like Adam Jones and Nick Markakis have caught everyone’s eye. Oh, and the defending Division Champions, the Rays? Yeah, well Mr. Selig, they are in last. They may as well start playing Ice Ice Baby through the loudspeakers at this point.
How to fix it- Blame Canada. Is that not what we always do? That should put down the integrity of the Blue Jays. Also, you may want to put a barricade inside Yankee Stadium, potentially even create a Royal Blue Monster-style wall. That should hold the long ball in. As for the Rays? Tropicana Field would surely make a nice hotel resort site.
2. The Marlins- Apparently, there’s something about these fightin’ fish that just makes them so good. They find themselves at the top of the NL East already, which, if need I remind you, is home of the defending champion Philadelphia Phillies. The New York Mets have opened Citi Field to mild success. That could be explained by the fact that there is NO memorabilia (but that’s another story).
If Florida can march into a ballpark like that and succeed, there is no telling what this team can do. They already have steamrolled past the dreadful Washington Nationals, and the Atlanta Braves are sitting in the backseat as well.
How to fix it: Las Vegas anyone? Yes Bud, everyone is well aware of the fact that they just signed on a new lease for a new stadium. Who cares? Major League Baseball spent millions advertising the A’s new ballpark in Fremont, which apparently is never happening.
This team is like one of the bug aliens from “Men In Black” to the fans of the NL East, and they need to be exterminated. Or at least relocated to the only place where cockroaches can survive a nuclear explosion.
3. The Tricycle- Three players have already hit for the cycle to begin the season. This, of course, is a Major League record. Orlando Hudson began a string of this feat that later included Rangers 2B Ian Kinsler and the Twins' Jason Kubel. Normally, this would be great for the game. But all in one week? What happened to integrity?
How to fix it- Automatic suspension for more than one cycle a month. I’m personally feeling 15 games. That will show all of the baseball communists out there who believe in equality by force.
4. The AL West- Currently, this division is backwards (at least according to many “experts” it is).
The Seattle Mariners, with the valiant leadership of Ken Griffey, Jr., have stormed to the lead, ahead of the Texas Rangers. The supposed favorites in the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim stand in last, reminiscent of the old Disney-owned team. The Athletics stand nearly dormant, and the Rangers are knocking the sock off of the ball.
How to fix it- Actually, I personally don’t see any problems with this. Seeing the Angels suffer after having been one of the most hyperbolized teams in baseball (yes, that is pure opinion) satisfies me. Let parody reign over the American League West in 2009!
5. Carl Pavano has a better ERA than Chien-Ming Wang- WHAT?! What exactly has this world come to Mr. Selig? Wang’s ERA is near unrepairable, and already has been scratched from some of his scheduled appearances. Some of the league’s top names, such as Daisuke Matsuzaka and Brandon Webb, have already found themselves on the disabled list, while their respective ERAs are sky-high as well.
How to fix it: Remember those old Fred McGriff-endorsed Tom Emanski baseball skills videos? Yeah, buy some of those for the league. That should do the trick.
6. All-Star Balloting- I’ll keep this one short and sweet. Last year, Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek made the American League All-Star team while sporting a .220 batting average. In 2005, despite leading the American League in home runs as late as the beginning of June, Tino Martinez was shunned from the All-Star squad. Is this really right? Shouldn’t the highest and most efficient performers be rewarded for their success, not just name?
How to fix it: Be biased! Come on Mr. Bud Selig, did you not see the Dark Knight? Institute a little anarchy! Upset the established order! YOU should be the one choosing the All-Stars, not the fans and players. After all, is baseball not corrupt?
Now of course, these are not the only issues. The season is just a few weeks underway! While this letter is filled with some comedy and stupidity, some of these points could turn into potential problems for the fans. Bud, this is up to you. It seemed like you had no problem blaming the steroid era on everyone else, so why not try to take this one under the belt?
P.S. Disbanding and eliminating anyone who is entirely against the idea of instant replay would not hurt your reputation in my mind at all as well.
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