Tour de France Caravan Mishap Causes Massive Tchotchke Spill (satire)
The carnage began when a giant tea kettle failed to note the slowing weird balloon car it was following and plowed into the rear of the ‘vehicle.’
Though no serious injuries were reported, the accident sent a tchotchke volume “of cataclysmic proportions” spilling into the roadway.
French hazmat teams (Response Hazard Français) were immediately dispatched to the scene to contain the spill and begin the laborious clean up of thousands of pointless novelties—crappy keychains, magnets, and other “bizarre twisty thingys.”
“We couldn’t figure out what those damn things were,” explained RHF captain Christophe L’Amont. “But needless to say, no one wanted to touch them. I’m glad we had the tongs.”
Witnesses described a scene of chaos and panic.
The French emergency response teams made short order of the spill clean up to ensure that the race was not delayed.
“It was absolute merde that no one in their right mind would assign any value to whatsoever. Some marketing geniuses dream those up—just so that it can all now choke our landfills.”
Due to the volume, however, “we couldn’t get it all,” continues L’Amont. “We just did what we could to keep the race schedule. We’ll have to go back afterwards to truly assess the environmental impact and the long-term effects of the disaster. It’s imperative to understand the ramifications of such an event and properly educate the public.
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