To: Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner
From: Diehard NFL Fan's everywhere, even Detroit
Dear Mr. Goodell,
Your tenure so far with the NFL has reinvigorated the league and renewed the faith of millions of fans who felt that the NFL was becoming a league of criminals. Your tough love stances with players like Adam Jones inspired me, among many, to believe that maybe there really is a Santa Claus who taketh away the sinners of the league and toss them out on the streets.
I know; I am mixing methaphors, or something like that, but trust me the cause is a good one.
You see, it seems the NFL has gotten a big wad of tradition stuck on the bottom of it's collective shoes and either can't or won't get a big stick and scrape it off. Yes, we fans know and love traditions, in fact, it is part of what we love about many things in our culture. Traditions give us a sense of history, they keep us in touch with hero's of the past and provide glimpses of legends yet to come.
But seriously commish, we need to talk.
Now, I realize that Thanksgiving is all about serving up a nice fat turkey, with gravy and mashed potatoes and stuffing and grandma's <insert favorite waist widening confection here> as well as regional and, look, here is is again, traditional fare.
It's a time for family to come together and share the incredible bounty of our labor, take pictures of the kids, grandkids, cousins, nieces, nephews and Uncle Bob who got so drunk he's passed out on the lawn chair.
Yes, we do indeed love our traditions, and we greatly appreciate your desire to keep this sport we love from straying to far from it's roots.
For Heaven's sakes Roger, you've got to do something about the Detroit Lions!
Being forced to watch the Lion's on Thanksgiving day is akin to going over to grandma's house to celebrate her birthday, only she doesn't remember how old she is and spends the next eight hours telling everyone about her medical problems.
Or as exciting as watching paint dry. That one's gotten a lot of mileage, wouldn't you agree?
In fact, watching paint dry has some tradition of it's own, but would you really, consciously foist such a task on millions of tryptophan-engorged fans?
It sure seems so to me, and something tells me I'm not alone. I realize I can't speak for the bazillion other turkey lovers out there, but couldn't you see if maybe, possibly, you could keep the Turkey in the freezer, just for one year, and slide a nice juicy piece of filet on our Thanksgiving day plate?
I mean, I'd even settle for a slab of chuck roast to be honest. Just give us something with meat on it. Something we can gnaw on with juice dribbling down our chins and that gutteral cave man look while licking our fingers.
Isn't the idea to leave us hungering for more? Isn't it? Or do you guys sleep in really, really late there on the East Coast and don't realize the untold suffering you are causing?
If nothing else, think of all those poor Lion's fans who go to the game just to protest that their Lion's are a national spectacle, yet again, to be jeered and taunted by the rest of the football community.
You don't have to make it permanent. Just until the Ford Family finally realizes that owning a NFL franchise can be a frustrating and expensive proposition. I hear they are having a tough time of it right now. Maybe this would help ease their pain.
I know it would ease mine.
Ben Ice is the managing partner and a writer for www.rotoexperts.com. He has a killer recipe for Cornbread/Sausage/Cranberry stuffing that the family fights over each year. He'd gladly make a huge batch for the NFL executive office if they'd grant him this one little wish. You can reach Ben at firstname.lastname@example.org.