Tennis Wars Episode I: The Spanish Empire Strikes Back...Again
A long time ago, in a galaxy which is quite some distance away (and which some say doesn’t actually exist)...
Cue dramatic theme music and scrolling storyline.
It is a bleak time for Roger Forehander and his allies in the Tennis Rebellion. The Empire has driven Forehander and his chums from many of the planets which had been living in peace with Forehander as their leader.
The galaxy is in disarray, with many not knowing who to trust as their rightful king. Some inhabitants long for the old days and for things to go back to how they were; others welcome the shift in power after the many years with Forehander in charge.
Fortunately, all is not lost, as the members of the Tennis Rebellion still have one remaining base on the planet known as "Blushing Pastures." However, Forehander has been told by his mentor, Fourteen Slams-Won Kanobi (sometimes known as old Pete Kanobi), that he must leave the Tennis Rebellion, which is busy coming up with tactics to attack the Empire’s man-made planet, the "No. 1 Star," and journey on his own.
Kanobi wants Forehander to pay a visit to the famous G.O.A.T. Knight, Lava, to learn more about the ways of the Force.
Darth Raf-er, leader of the Empire and its lands, is meanwhile seeking to take Blushing Pastures. Should he claim it, his Empire will be complete. But first, he must meet with Forehander on the clay of the "Red Earth" and the green pastures of the "Emerald Star"...
Scene One: Lava’s Lair on the Lonely Planet "Calendar Slam"
Roger Forehander and Fourteen Slams-Won Kanobi have just landed on the deserted planet of "Calender Slam." They are walking through the blazing heat towards the sandy shores of the planet, where Kanobi hopes they will find Lava.
Forehander: Look, Fourteen Slams-Won, I am awfully grateful for you bringing me here and all, but I really don’t think it is necessary. I don’t need to speak to a G.O.A.T. Knight, I’ve spoken to so many, and I know my own powers, I don’t need any help. I can wield my Wilsonsaber perfectly well, thank you.
Kanobi: You are wrong, my friend. I think you will benefit immensely. You may have spoken to some of the G.O.A.T. Knights of tennis, myself included, but you have never met a man with as much power as Lava. He is still considered the greatest of all G.O.A.T. Knights. He will help you fight back against the Empire and reclaim your home planet, the Emerald Star. Then you too will be permitted entrance to the planet of the Knights. That is what you want, isn’t it?
Forehander: Well, yes, I suppose...but I’m still not convinced.
(Kanobi spots Lava topping up his tan on the beach.)
Kanobi: Lava, here he is. I have brought him to you.
(Kanobi pushes a reluctant Forehander towards Lava.)
Lava: The famous Forehander, is this? Hmm. Come for my advice? Hmm. Trust me, you must. Doubt me, never.
Forehander (to Kanobi): Why does he talk backwards?
Lava: Talk backwards, you say? Hmm. And that is what you must do. Play as Roger Backhander. No longer will you be known as Roger Forehander when I have finished with you. No. A fine tool, your Wilsonsaber is. But trust me, you must.
Forehander: Sorry, do you think you could say that again? I speak a lot of different languages, but I’m afraid I couldn’t understand what you meant.
Lava: Darth Raf-er, he is strong, no? He plays with powerful top spin, no? He wields his Babolatsaber in his left hand, no? So you must use the force to counteract this, no? And the only way to do this is to become Roger Backhander, no?
Forehander: I suppose you do have a point there. Even some of those Scottroopers have been targeting my Wilsonsaber skills recently. But why are you suddenly talking as though you are part of the new Empire?
Lava: Sorry. Infiltrating their ranks, I have been. Happen, this does. Hmm. But listen, you must. Use the force. It surrounds us, it is within us. Harbour it and you will become a G.O.A.T. Knight, too. Be patient, you must.
Forehander: Well, half of that "Force" stuff sounds like utter baloney, but point about the Backhander business taken. Perhaps if I combine that with Kanobi’s advice about coming forward to attack, I’ll do better. Perhaps I’ll try out my tactics on some of the Scottroopers on a smaller planet in the outer galaxy.
Kanobi: Go, you must...sorry, that way of talking is contagious. What I mean is, you must go. I will stay here with Lava and play some poker. This is your challenge, and your challenge only. You alone can determine your destiny.
With that, Forehander takes off to practice. But first he must find a comrade to fly him to a small planet off the Empire's radar where he can put his plan into action...
Next Time on Tennis Wars:
Darth Raf-er prepares for a visit from Emperor Toni whilst Roger Forehander hires A-Rodo to help him get to a small planet to practice so he can become Roger Backhander before he once again meets Darth Raf-er on the planet known as Red Earth.
(Phew…that was quite a mouthful!)
N.B. This article was inspired by Rohini and Sergery and their articles on Harry Potter and Robin Hood, respectively. So if you like it - great! And some of the credit must go to them. If not, blame them. Just kidding :)
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