Kevin Garnett Injured?: No Worries, Just Body Swap with Brian Scalabrine

Patrick ParsonsAnalyst IApril 17, 2009

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 16:  Brian Scalabrine #44 of the Boston Celtics drives past Yi Jianlian #9 of the New Jersey Nets during the first half of a pre-season game at the IZOD Center on October 16, 2008 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Jarrett Baker/Getty Images)

Many Celtics fans the world over heard the news of Kevin Garnett's injury and were worried that it might affect the Celtics' chances of repeating their title run.

Do not fear, Boston faithful, you have nothing to worry about in the least. After Garnett discovered that his body was not in good enough shape to survive the rigors of the playoffs, he merely sought out a new body to use.

Who better than resident redhead Brian Scalabrine?

Garnett approached Scalabrine in the locker room late one night to present the idea, and although Scalabrine was a bit skeptical, he realized that he needed to do whatever was best for the team, and finally agreed to the body swap.

The procedure was completed just last night, and Garnett says that he feels comfortable in his new body, despite the magical fire crotch that he now possesses.

Scalabrine on the other hand, is quoted as saying, "I finally have the confidence to talk to ladies, and Glen "Big Baby" Davis no longer gives me wedgies in the locker room!"

Now that Garnett finally has a healthy (albeit slightly unathletic body) at his disposal, you can expect the Celtics vs. Bulls series to have a new X-Factor! While it may be a surprise to see Kevin Garnett on the bench in street clothes, remember, he will actually be on the court, trying to intimidate the Bulls.

While some would say that Garnett has been at times a racist, picking only on white people around the league (Calderon, Przybilla, Pachulia, etc...), now that he is the proud owner of a new Caucasian body, he has also eliminated the racism and it is now white on white violence. What a role model!

Doc Rivers, on the other hand, must continue the cover up, and his first step was to announce to the press that Garnett would most likely miss the entire playoffs.

While this means that Scalabrine (in Garnett's body, mind you) will have to sit out for the ploy to continue, he is willing to sacrifice himself for the well being of the team, the adoration of his peers, and the one-month rental of a body that isn't covered completely in freckles and red hair.

This whole, Garnett/Scalabrine body swap definitely gives the Celtics the upper hand in the series once again, and when the time comes I'm sure it will cause nightmares for the Chicago Bulls.

Just imagine: "Hello there folks, this is Marv Albert broadcasting tonight's Celtics/Bulls game, live from Boston. The score is currently tied at 104 a piece, and eight seconds remaining in regulation. Boston has the ball, and they run an isolation play for... SCALABRINE?! The Bulls have no idea what to do, and with time running out, the pasty Scalabrine is driving the lane, and what is he doing!? A 360 reverse windmill jam at the buzzer to win it!!"

"Somebody pinch me, Scalabrine has just won the series for the Celtics! The Bulls are stunned, Vinny Del Negro is on the court throwing up, Aaron Gray is questioning why he doesn't get the ball in clutch time, and Kevin Garnett is sitting on the bench doing the the chicken dance, and very poorly might I add! Something strange has happened here tonight folks, that is for sure..."

That is just one of the many possible highlights from the upcoming series that you can expect if all goes as planned with the body swap. But to tell the truth, that is nowhere near the end of the positive press that Scalabrine will receive, and the problems that it will cause around the league...

  • After witnessing his sheer domination in the playoffs, the New York Knicks will offer Scalabrine a max contract in the offseason, and give up on trying to sign LeBron James next summer.
  • Pale, freckled white boys around the country will give up their respective dreams and all try to become the next Scalabrine, depleting the World of Warcraft ranks and forcing the company to file for bankruptcy.
  • Scalabrine will be the new spokesman for Gatorade, and be in the most awkward "Where will amazing, and absolutely impossibly retarded happen next?" commercials you have ever seen.
  • Brian Scalabrine will have 1,000,000 followers on Twitter. Yes: one million.

But alas, the playoffs have not even started yet, so basically anything could come of the body swap at this point. But don't say that I didn't warn you. The face of the NBA is about to change forever, so be prepared.

Next up on the body swap list: Glen "Big Baby" Davis is slated to switch bodies with the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.