Five Takes on the KG Injury: The "Experts" Weigh In (Satire)

Andrew SCorrespondent IApril 17, 2009

BOSTON - FEBRUARY 08:  Paul Pierce #34 and Kevin Garnett #5 of the Boston Celtics react after losing to the San Antonio Spurs on February 8, 2009 at TD Banknorth Garden in Boston, Massachusetts. The Spurs defeated the Celtics 105-99. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Bill Simmons, ESPN Columnist 

It happened.  The worst thing to happen in Boston sports history in the past three months.  Kevin Garnett will not be playing in the 2009 postseason. 

Last night, I had to call my father to make sure he was alive, as I do after every memorable Boston sports moment. We both agreed that this downgrades the Celtics chances of winning a title from “sure thing” to “very likely.”

Of course most of us Boston faithful saw this coming.  We knew that something was wrong with KG’s knee.  Believe me, when Boston fans know something is up, something’s up. 

Well, this just validates my TSPOATW theory.  That would be The Star Player Of A Title Winner always get injured theory.  Look it up, it happens all the time.  In a way, it reminds me of Teen Wolf.  You know that scene where Scott shoots the free throws. 

Anyways, we have to do what we do when ever a calamity like this happens.  Move along.  Yep, these are my readers.

Rick Reilly, ESPN Columnist

Kevin Garnett’s knee injury has been called a tragedy in some circles.  I say shame on these sick bastards.  You idiots wanna know what a tragedy is?  A tragedy is 14 year old Cody Berger of Boise, Idaho.  Cody’s been in a coma for three years after trying to jump off of her trampoline and hitting her head.  All Cody wants to do is play basketball. 

But Mike Warren, director of the local Men’s over-40 rec league, won’t let her play in his league.  Gimme a break, these 40 year old geezers can play, but you won’t let a sweet little girl play basketball?  You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Warren.  

And Charles Barkley, who I played golf with the other day, agrees with me. We called Mr. Warren at his office, and he didn’t pick up.  So the question now is: Mr. Warren, where is your decency? A nation waits on your response.

Jemele Hill, ESPN columnist

A lot has been made of Kevin Garnett’s recent knee injury.  We’ve talked about how this injury affects his team and the city of Boston, but what about its effect on race relations in the United States? 

I think it’s fair to say that if Kevin Garnett were white, this would not be such a big issue.  The mainstream media would be too busy reporting about what a great family man he was.  But just because he’s black, it’s all about how his knee is injured.  Well, I say it’s a sad commentary on American society, how blown out of proportion this is.

The other issue most people are ignoring right now is the city of Detroit.  Detroit is going through a really tough time right now.  Ford and GM are in big trouble, and Michigan State lost in the NCAA finals. 

Yet, nobody even thought to ask regular Detroit citizens how they feel about the Kevin Garnett injury.  Way to kick us while we’re down.  Detroit will not be ignored.

Jim Caple, ESPN baseball columnist

The East Coast media has been spouting so much drivel about Kevin Garnett’s injury lately, that it’s hard to keep track of other major news stories.  I bet that you didn’t know that Kenji Johjima is going on the DL. 

You see in reality, the whole world doesn’t revolve around the East Coast.  Just because a few super obnoxious Boston fans are a little upset, doesn’t mean that the whole world stops.  Seriously, how many of these fans cared about the Celtics before last year?

The truth of the matter is that these fans can’t really hold a candle to the legendary Seattle fans.  Seattle has been through the worst year for any city in sports history.  And yet they still stay loyal.  Not like those despicable Boston fans.  They might even be worse than Yankee fans.

Peter King, Sports Illustrated football columnist

Five Things I Think I Think I Thought

1.       Kevin Garnett’s injury will have a big impact on the Celtics

2.       The Lakers just have to be the favorite in the Western Conference

3.       Detroit is going to enter the first round as huge underdogs

4.       One of these final 16 teams will emerge as NBA champions

5.       Philadelphia would be ecstatic to win another championship

Disclaimer: All of these are fake.  I didn't actually interview any of these journalists.