In a recent press conference, New York City's mayor Michael Bloomberg fielded questions about NASCAR's rumored decision to move the series championship banquet from the Big Apple to Las Vegas.
When asked how he learned about NASCAR's decision, Bloomberg shared that he had only gotten wind of it when he was approached by two race fans in the subway.
Bloomberg continued by saying that he quickly deduced that these two were indeed race fans since one of them was wearing a green '88 jacket and drinking an AMP Energy Drink, while the other, sporting an Old Spice T-shirt, was hyperventilating at the foot of the subway's escalator.
After spotting Bloomberg, both fans accosted him, berating him for allowing NASCAR's year-end banquet to move out of the city.
The fans shared that this would absolutely wreak havoc on their holiday plans, which traditionally had included imbibing a few extra Budweisers and Miller Lites at the ESPN Zone in Times Square with their favorite drivers.
While Bloomberg admitted his disappointment that he had not received the news directly from NASCAR leadership, especially from anyone in the "Franz family," he did say that he was trying to look on the bright side of the banquet leaving the city.
"Let's face it," said Bloomberg, "we always had a spike in noise complaints to our 3-1-1 line when those racers revved up their engines for their little jaunt around the city."
"And to be honest, we have enough cars in Manhattan as it is already," said the mayor.
Bloomberg continued, "It was always a bit of a hassle having all those people hanging around the city during the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting ceremonies.
"Their absence will definitely free up some rooms at the Waldorf-Astoria for folks who are celebrating the true meaning of the holiday, not just those who want to whoop it up over some silly race car drivers that can only turn left", said the mayor.
"I have to admit," said Bloomberg, "that I just never got NASCAR. In New York City, we know our sports. We have the Yankees, the Mets, the Rangers, Devils, and Islanders, the NY Knicks, and the Jets and Giants."
Bloomberg continued, "Our town is full of real sports, and it always seemed a bit of a stretch for the NASCAR crowd to well, you know, fit in."
The mayor said that a recent conversation that he had with his head of the city's Department of Human Services "sealed the deal" for him regarding NASCAR's banquet moving to Vegas.
"Last year when NASCAR was in town, my Human Services Director was on the phone with me almost every day," shared Bloomberg. "Homeless clients were storming the offices complaining that all those motor coaches and RVs were cluttering up their favorite spots."
Mayor Bloomberg acknowledged that with the change in venue, all of the top 10 drivers will now have to get used to going to a place where folks really do know their names, instead of walking the streets of the Big Apple in total anonymity.
But, according to Bloomberg, that will be a small price for them to pay as they say goodbye to the glitz and glamour of New York City and head instead "to a much more appropriate place for folks of their kind."
Bloomberg concluded the press conference by wishing NASCAR all good things going forward, encouraging them to consider returning to the city for the banquet when the race track on Staten Island was finally completed, on schedule for February 2139.
Until that time, Bloomberg said he had just three more words of advice for the "Franz" family: "Viva Las Vegas!"
This press conference took place completely in this writer's own mind, and the quotes flowed accordingly. In other words, it has been totally made up, especially all of the quotes. Thank you Mayor Bloomberg for what hopefully is your phenomenally good sense of humor. And remember all, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!