Phillies SP Brett Myers Plays April Fool’s Joke On Wife By Beating Her

HARRISBURG, PA - Early Tuesday morning, authorities responded to a domestic dispute call only to arrive at the home of Phillies ace SP Brett Myers. The pitcher, already with a history of legal problems with his wife, was charged with domestic assault and arrested at the scene.

According to authorities, the star pitcher attempted to “goof one over” on wife Kim Myers by shoving her into a kitchen oven and calling her a “Bitch-day Cake.” The pitcher’s wife was treated for minor injuries. Also detained at the scene were Phillies manager Charlie Manuel and assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr., who were charged with negligence.

Unfortunately, Myers’ hijinks did not end there.

Fellow Phillies SP Kyle Kendrick was yet another victim of the asshole pitcher’s immaturity and obnoxiousness. Kendrick was sleeping over on the couple’s couch when authorities arrived at the scene. The reason? After hearing from Brett Myers that he had received a rare form of Lou Gehrig’s disease (or, in Myers’ words, “Paul O’Neill disease”), Kendrick would need to be shipped immediately to the dilapidated Olympic Stadium in Montreal for several rounds of treatment, but only after sleeping on Myers’ couch for four days straight. “Guess he got me again,” Kendrick remarked.

When asked to comment on both April Fool’s jokes, Myers shoved a ChatterBalks reporter to the ground and shouted “April Fools queers! Phillies rule the world!”