Da Bears '09 Draft Is Best Ever: Angelo Named Mayor of Chicago

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Da Bears '09 Draft Is Best Ever: Angelo Named Mayor of Chicago
(Photo by Jim Prisching/Getty Images)

The Chicago Bears have won the NFC North Division in 2009...Write it down.

Let's just fast forward to the playoffs. This is a lock. With the stunning events of the last couple of weeks—the Jay Cutler trade and the signing of Orlando Pace—Da Bears have awakened from their winter hibernation and have turned the proverbial corner as a contender for an NFL championship.

Bears' GM Jerry Angelo pulled off the deal with Denver, and also quieted rumors that he was dead. After a full and complete physical, lab work, and an MRI, the Bears medical staff dismissed the claim with the following conclusion:

 

"Contrary to popular opinion, Mr. Angelo has not been dead for the last 9 1/2 years. Our reports and findings appear to show that Jerry has just re-awakened from a very deep coma that affected the portion of his brain that controlled offensive personnel." After a life in the football business, it it refreshing to think that Jerry has been enlightened with the realization that a team must score some points to possibly win a contest."

 

Jay Cutler, a three-year veteran, brings the Bears a franchise quarterback that has been missing-in-action for umm...say...the last 60 years.

He actually has a right arm that can be used to complete a forward pass, and has the full complement of two legs that can run away from likely defenders and move the leather spheroid past the line of scrimmage.

And the cool thing is that he came cheap...only two first-round draft picks, a third-rounder, and some guy named Orton.

Angelo hates first-round picks and the Bears hate paying first-round picks, so the corporate suits are happy, Cutler is happy, Angelo is happy...Heck, I'm happy!

Orlando Pace sneaking in to Halas Hall is like a gigantic insurance policy for J-Cut's body parts.

He will literally and figuratively fill the left tackle spot, and will shift last year's first-round pick Chris Williams to right tackle.

Williams played sparingly last year because of a bad back, which is something that the crack Bears draft strategists missed in their draft strategy.

So if Pace can keep his ligaments, labrums, and kidneys attached to his skeleton, the offensive line will be improved...aged, but improved.

So what do the Bears do in the draft?

Just sit back, Jerry. Dust off your desk, rearrange some scouting reports, put away Sid Luckman's records, and just watch the other teams sweat and toil during the first round.

Then, pick a wide receiver in the second round....and another WR in the fourth round.

The Bears should then take a safety in the fifth round and call it a ridiculous offseason.

Jerry should then go get a sauna and a facial, and maybe an eyebrow trim...He deserves it.

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