The Tale of Roddick Hood and The Men in Whites

Sergey ZikovSenior Analyst IApril 13, 2009

Once upon a time, in a Kingdom kind of far away, a nation is plagued by excessive parity on it's tennis courts. A Crusade is ordered by King Roger the Lionheart, to go out and bring dominance to these foreign lands.

Roger the Lionheart selects several of his best men to come with him, including his hitting partner/punching bag Roddick Hood. But trouble fell upon the crusaders, as Roddick Hood was separated from his King in the heat of battle. Although young Roddick Hood would escape from the enemy clad in white, his great King was not so lucky.

Pete the Guard: Go home, young master Hood! We have captured your King. He has become too much of a threat to our world!

Bjorn the Guard: Run along now.

Roddick Hood: No! You ghosts will never get away with this! I will be back! Hyuh-yah! (He pulls down Pete the Guard's pants and runs off into the distance)

And so, Roddick Hood embarks on his long and painful journey back to the pleasant world of tennis. He travels over high, white-capped mountains and through treacherous forests. He swims through deep water, and dashes through enemy villages.

But he finally makes his return to the Kingdom he once knew and loved after many long years away. Except for one thing. In Roger the Lionheart's absense, a new ruler has taken the throne.

It is the young and terrible Sheriff of Roland-Garros, aided by his sidekick, Guy of Melbourne.

Roddick Hood: Who are you, imposter and what are you doing on the noble Roger Lionheart's Throne?!

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: I am thee Sher-eef of Roland Garros, tankyouverymuch. And I haff a gift for you, Meester.

Roddick Hood: Oh? You going to give me one of those capris?

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: Har har, very funny, Meester.

Roddick Hood: So what is it?

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: I keed. Now get off my lawn, moor! (Roddick Hood leaves but soon runs into a man abusing a little kid)

Roddick Hood: You sir! What are you doing to this poor boy? He just wanted your autograph!

Guy of Melbourne: He stole my lucky rabbit foot, si! Now he must be punished severely!

Roddick Hood: HAHAHA!

Guy of Melbourne: Como? I don't see how that is funny. I will be reporting you to the Sheriff, si! (Guy leaves in a disgruntled mess, leaving Roddick Hood with the young boy)

Roddick Hood now dashes off into the night, heading for the forest. Meanwhile, Guy of Melbourne had made it back to the keep of Roland-Garros and reported the news to the Sheriff.

The little boy then told Roddick Hood everything. He told Roddick Hood that after he left for the Crusades, the Sheriff of Roland-Garros rose to power and starting winning every major event. He even won the famed Whites tournament! After that, the boy told him that the Sheriff and his sidekick had built up a fortress at Roland-Garros.

Also, the boy told him that every tennis court in the land had been mowed and transformed into red clay!

Roddick Hood had decided that was enough and he was going to restore order to the lands.

He set out on a quest to find his childhood friend, Maid Victoria. A stunning woman who Roddick Hood had always been attracted to, she did not feel the same way about him.

A few days later, Roddick Hood finally arrives at the house of Maid Victoria.

Roddick Hood: Victoria? Are you home?

Maid Victoria: (in a very high pitched voice) Who's there??

Roddick Hood: It's me, Roddick! I need your help!

Maid Victoria: (opens the door only wearing a towel, still very wet from a bath) Is that you? You're back!

Roddick Hood: Yes I'm back. But I need your help. The Sheriff of Roland-Garros has taken over for our King.

Maid Victoria: Oh him! He's not all that bad! In fact, I'm going to dinner at his fortress tonight!

Roddick Hood: Oh. (looks dejected)

Maid Victoria: I will be back in a few days time. Good luck, Roddick!

And so Roddick Hood had been foiled. Maid Victoria was in the Sheriff's bed! But that didn't stop him. He wanted to go around and find as many good men as he could that still supported the great King Roger the Lionheart.

He scampered off into the woods again. After a little while, Roddick Hood comes across a small brook, a creek if you will. A tiny bridge leads across it, but it is protected by a giant man with a racquet.

Little Juan: Halt! You may not cross this bridge.

Roddick Hood: Are you serious? I can just jump over this creek (He jumps across and then jumps back to the other side)

Little Juan: You have to pay the toll! These here woods are controlled by Will Harlot.

Roddick Hood: A toll?! A harlot, like a prostitute?

Little Juan: No senor. Like a beggar. Someone who doesn't have an occupation. Wait a minute! I will fight you!

Roddick Hood: Alright, if you insist. (Roddick Hood eventually defeats Little Juan with a mean forehand down the line)

Little Juan: You've beaten me, senor. But now you must pass the test of my master.

Will Harlot: Think you're funny? I do the meanest impressions around. Now I bet you that you can't hit that bullseye (points to a distant tree) with a serve.

Roddick Hood: Ho! You bet I will. I've beaten many a man with this serve. (He fires a missile of a serve and nails the bullseye)

Will Harlot: Well then, mister show off. What is your name?

Roddick Hood: I am Roddick of Hood, and I am on a quest to return the rightful King to his throne.

Will Harlot: You mean Roger the Lionheart? Eh, still don't like him but he's better than this nut job we have now. All he does is prance around all day picking his arse.

Roddick Hood: Too much information.

With that, Roddick Hood, Will Harlot and Little Juan set off in attempt to gain more supporters in their quest to supplant the Sheriff of Roland-Garros. The Men in Whites had been born.

They had soon gathered other followers, including Friar Nik, who had plenty of vodka to go around. Probably one of the only reasons he was accepted into the group, because his skills on the court have vastly diminished.

In the middle of a drinking session, they were interrupted by a dashing blonde haired maiden.

Blonde Maiden: Roddick! Maid Victoria has returned from Roland-Garros, and she told me she wants to see you (she is nearly out of breath)

Roddick Hood: Where is the maid? I wish to see her too! Wait. Weren't you with Guy of Melbourne before?

Blonde Maiden: (timidly) Well yes...but I dumped him now. He wanted me to wear a sombrero in bed.

Will Harlot: Well that is a little odd. Send in the maid! (Maid Victoria enters)

Roddick Hood: What news, Victoria? What is he up to?

Maid Victoria: He wants to know who you are and what you are doing...

Roddick Hood: Well that certainly is original. Are you here to stay or are you going back to him?

Maid Victoria: I'm going to stay. I don't like the sombreros and "siestas" either.

Little Juan: Yay!

Will Harlot: Pipe down there sonny. We need to take Roland-Garros and defeat the Sheriff once and for all! (imitates the Sheriff by pulling up his sleeves and running around like a maniac)

The group now begins planning to take over Roland-Garros. Roddick Hood, as the natural leader of the group, went off with Maid Victoria for some alone time. He woke up the next morning with some serious abdominal pains.

After intense clay court training for the next few days, the "Men in Whites" deemed Roddick Hood to be their best challenger to face the Sheriff of Roland-Garros.

The men and women are now finally ready to march on Roland-Garros. They set out in the morning, ready for a long and hard fight. They would also have to deal with Guy of Melbourne. That evening, the group arrived at Roland-Garros.

Roddick Hood: Come down, Sheriff! This is Roddick of Hood! (he yells to the top of the tower)

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: Roddeek? Damnit. How did I not noteece you before?

Roddick Hood: Eh well, tough break. You won't be ruler of these lands for long! The King is coming back!

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: Victoria? What are you doing with this senor? We were getting married, si!

Maid Victoria: I don't love you any more! (hits a serve at the Sheriff and he falls off the tower)

Will Harlot: Nice shot, Billy Jean.

Little Juan: Uh oh! He's coming back!

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: You don't tink I'd fight for my own castle, no? I weel tell you what I say to everybody else when we are through! Tankyouverymuch!

Roddick Hood: Let's go! I have been training fiercely for this moment!

The Sheriff and Roddick Hood step onto the red clay, winner takes all. The battle ensued, and Roddick Hood was countering every move by the Sheriff. His wicked slice, no good! His crazy antics, not this time! Roddick kept serving like a maniac.

The Sheriff won the first set, but Roddick Hood came back to win the second. Now for a decisive third set. The action picked up, and the Sheriff was determined to win. He signaled for Guy of Melbourne to hit balls at Roddick Hood during the points.

But Roddick didn't bow down. He hung in there and took it to a tiebreaker. But he was so exausted, he collapsed on the court. It was all over, the Sheriff was victorious.

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: I tink I am too good for you, senor Hood. Tankyouverymuch!

(The King enters the stadium)

Roger the Lionheart: I'm back.

Sheriff of Roland-Garros: You will never beat me, old man! I tink I beat you also.

Roddick Hood: (lifts his racquet up and gasps) Take it, Roger.

Roger the Lionheart takes the racquet and begins to duel with the Sheriff for the tiebreak. But alas, the Sheriff has triple match point at 6-3. Looks like the old King is too rusty.

It was not to be. Roger fought off the match points and won the tiebreak! The Sheriff had been vanquished!

Roger the Lionheart: I'm back. Now where were we?



Roger the Lionheart would eventually marry Roddick Hood and Maid Victoria. The red clay courts were destroyed and fresh grass was planted. The Men in Whites had restored their former glory once again. Can you name all the characters? 


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