Dear Philadelphia Eagle Community,
Due to the recent spike in reported incidents of dangerous wide receiver acquisition rumors, a lot of Eagles fans have been quite agitated. I would like to say that I understand the emotional impact that rumors of wide receivers can have on Eagle fans, but for our children, we need to stay calm and stay strong.
But most importantly, we need to stay vigilant, so we can keep ahead of this crisis.
Speaking from experience, I know these rumor-waves usually hit cities across America hardest during the summertime. Nobody knows why this happens. Sociologists suspect it has something to do with the football offseason and Mel Kiper's hair.
That's why I have decided for the sake of our beloved community to implement the first Annual Philadelphia Eagles Summertime Wide Receiver Lookout Patrol.
It is my plan to make periodic installments of the Philadelphia Eagles Summertime Wide Receiver Lookout Patrol throughout the summer, detailing specific reports on trades, free agents, draft movements, shady dealings, or he-said-she-said rumors pertaining to the quest of obtaining a wide receiver here in Philadelphia.
But let me remind everybody that this is going to be a neighborhood effort. That's the only way we are going to make sense of this mess. Bad rumors can leave people hurt, sometimes permanently. So let's be safe. I'm encouraging the following precautions during this dangerous period:
- Use the buddy system. Always have an Eagle-buddy, who can verify that what you are reading makes sense. Is Steve Smith really being discussed in a trade with the Eagles for Reggie Brown? Does that make any sense?? Don't be a victim of bad rumors!
- Report all suspicious rumors, free agent movements, and trades to the proper Lookout Patrol Chief (that's me, for now.) In fact, I encourage everyone to post suspected rumors with your sources right here, or on my bulletin, and I'll forward the whole thing onto our Eagles Summertime Wide Receiver Lookout Patrol.
- Lastly, if you know of any elderly Eagles fans please check in on them periodically, and make sure they know the facts. Such as, Andy Reid is still the head coach. And yes, he still passes 60 percent of the time. And no, none of the receivers have been to the pro bowl yet...
- Lastly, if you do find some one who has been the victim of a bad rumor, stay calm, it may NOT be too late to save them from a state of sports delusion. First, send somebody to get a notebook computer immediately. Meanwhile keep the victim firmly planted in reality until help arrives. Once you have access to the Internet, turn to any sports Web site, and verify to the victim the current status of the Eagles roster. Within minutes, the victim will snap back to reality, and thankful regain their senses.
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