The Assassination Following the Impact!: 4/9/09
TNA Impact! Opens up with a preview of Lockdown. The Main Event Mafia comes down to the ring, but Booker T & Sharmell aren’t with them. The announcers are talking about what Samoa Joe did to Sharmell last week.
Dozer hasn’t seen Impact! In a few weeks, so he’s gonna be a bit rusty for his first ever TNA Impact! Recap.
Sting calls Jeff Jarrett out, asking who’s really running company, him or Mick Foley. Sting implies that Mick Foley is the one calling the company's shots and he starts questioning Jarrett’s authority, seeing as that Mick Foley put Sting in a match against Samoa Joe last week.
Sting orders Jarrett to put Foley in a match this week, at which point Scott Steiner jumps in saying Jarrett’s losing control of the company...the IWGP Jr. Tag Team Champions, The Motor City Machine Guns come out and interrupt Steiner.
Mike Tenay says Steiner is attempting to brainwash Jarrett. They side with Sting; even saying Foley is the boss around TNA. Alex Shelly says Thanksgiving Eve 2008 was the worse day of his life. He had to put on the Turkey Suit and was attacked by Mick Foley.
He says he wants revenge against Foley, and suggests Jarrett put The Guns in a Handicap Match against Mick Foley, and Jarrett makes the match official. Dozer is greatly looking forward to that match.
JB starts talking to Mick Foley in his office, and once again Foley is loosing his mind. He's talking about KC & The Sunshine Band. Dozer missed most of the conversation because nobody in his house knows how to be quiet; all he heard was Mick Foley saying he was going to "tweak" a match.
Impact comes back from commercial to have Jeremy Borash interviewing Foley and Jarrett. Foley’s talking about "tweaking" that match again, turns out he’s talking about his Handicap Match against The Motor City Machine Guns.
Match No. 1: Sheik Abdul Bashir VS Suicide (Non-Title)
Suicide will be in an Xscape Match at Lockdown with the TNA X-Division Title on the line. The object of the match is like simple: the 1stperson to Xscape the cage wins the title. His opponents will be Sheik Abdul Bashir, Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal and Kyoshi.
Mike Tenay & Don West are talking about Bashir, and DW says that he’s been a victim ever since his 1stday in TNA. Bashir was in control for most of the match, until Suicide gets a momentary advantage until Kyoshi kicks Suicide in the back of the head.
Now that he had the advantage again, Bashir DDTs Suicide on the X-Division Title that had just been tossed into the ring. He then threw the title back to Kyoshi and covered Suicide for the pin, which if Dozer is correct…is Suicide’s 1stloss in TNA.
Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir
The No Limit & Kyoshi join Bashir in a post match celebration, in which Bashir lays the X-Division Title on top of Suicide and raises his hands up to the sky, as if to be praying. Just then the lights went out and a few seconds later, Suicide and the title belt are gone. How will suicide fare when there’s four other men gunning for title at Lockdown? Order TNA Lockdown on April 19th on PPV to find out.
Back from commercial, we see Rhyno talking with a Navy Petty Officer 2ndClass Jessie Neal who is stationed on the USS Cole. Why the hell is this idiot wearing his cover indoors? Anybody who’s been in the military, such as Dozer, knows that you’re not allowed to wear your cover indoors.
Petty Officer Neal was talking about how he lost a friend of his when his ship was attacked. He was saying that him and his buddy had both been long time pro wrestling fans all their lives, and they always wanted to become a pro wrestler.
His friend died, and a part of him died that day too. Rhyno offered to take his time to help Petty Officer Neal train to become a pro wrestler, to help his dream come true.
Next we see The Beautiful People ganging up on Raisha Saeed, and were cutting her hair. You could hear Mike Tenay say that Awesome Kong was gonna be pissed. Then they go to another commercial break.
Next up, Team 3D were talking about after they left the WWE, how they got to see some of the younger wrestlers that were out there at various wrestling schools. They were astonished to see that there was absolutely no respect at all from any of them, and they decided to open up their own wrestling school.
JB interviews Sting, talking about Mick Foley’s actions as of late. Sting says him and Foley have been friends for 20 years, and that he’s surprised as well. He says that Foley always knows what he’s doing, he’s not a dummy.
Sting says that it’s impossible to try and get into the mind of Mick Foley, that he’d have to be a schizophrenic. JB then asks about the possibility of Sting’s retirement. Sting says that if he suffers another major injury like he did in 1990, he won't be coming back.
Then he’s talking about the infamous match in Germany back in 1994. It was Cactus Jack VS Vader, the match when Cactus Jack lost his right ear while getting tangled up in the ropes.
When Sting asked him if he was all right, all Cactus said was "Sting, I think I lost my freaking ear…BANG, BANG!" He says that’s the type of guy his opponent is. That’s the crazy kind of mindset that he has. He also admits that he’s fully aware that this match against Foley could very well be his last match.
Heading into a commercial, Mick Foley’s walking in the back, heading towards the ring. They said that Foley would be speaking when they come back. Dozer’s guess, as well as anybody’s at this point most likely…he’ll be addressing tonight’s main event.
Foley’s talking about his match tonight, saying that The Guns are really tremendous wrestlers. Then he starts talking about his next book, and then he’s talking about his son Dewey. Foley seems upset that his son wants to look like Alex Shelly.
At first it sounded like it was gonna be a Hair VS Hair Match, but then Mick Foley makes his announcement. His match against MMG will be a First Blood Match, with Sting as a Special Enforcer.
He also wants Jarrett to come down to the ring, and "do whatever it is that founders do". He ends his promo by saying he’s going to "cut that kid up like a Thanksgiving Turkey".
JB is talking to Booker T about his wife Sharmell. He says that she hasn’t been the same since last week. He says she's hardly said one word after being abducted by Samoa Joe. At least Dozer thinks she was abducted, nobody’s saying exactly what happened.
Then Kurt Angle jumps in to talk to JB about something; Dozer wasn’t really paying much attention, so whatever. All he heard was something about "this tribal slaughter ends here." We’ll see what he’s talking about later...or maybe not?
During the break, AJ Styles caught up with Samoa Joe. They were talking about the "Nation Of Violence". Did Samoa Joe start his own faction? Last time Dozer saw Impact!, Joe was on a one-man mission on a rampage.
Styles tells Joe that if Booker T is going to have Kurt Angle out there at ringside, then he’s going with Joe. Joe says "As far as you’re concerned…the Nation Of Violence is a Nation Of One."
Match No. 2: Booker T VS Samoa Joe
They finally showed what happened last week with Samoa Joe and Sharmell…and all Joe did was walk out the door with Sharmell over his shoulder.
Now Dozer’s confused. Samoa Joe says The Nation of Violence is a Nation Of One…but when Joe came out, he was announced as part of the Nation Of Violence. Oh well, we’ll figure out what’s going on later.
Joe was starting to gain the advantage, until Kurt Angle tripped him while he was bouncing off the ropes. Then Kurt Angle hands Booker T a steel chair for him to use on Samoa Joe.
AJ Styles runs down the ring, takes the steel chair away from Booker T, and starts attacking Kurt Angle. Then Booker T was setting up Samoa Joe for the Axe Kick when Joe caught him in a power slam for the pin.
Winner: Samoa Joe
All it looked like was a basic power slam, but they called Mike Tenay called it something else. Dozer didn’t catch what it was, oh well. TNA needs to update their Website…they don’t even have Samoa Joe’s tattoo on his picture, it’s an old one.
**On sale this Tuesday, Jeff Jarrett King Of The Mountain**
They’re showing footage from the date that some guy won with her a little while back. He sees a sign about Woody Woodpecker, and he asks ODB if he’s ever met him. She responded "I’ve met the pecker a few times." That comes as a complete shock to Dozer, he never would have guessed that ODB has ever seen a pecker in her life.
Team 3D are talking about what makes a great tag team. They feel blessed to be as popular and as successful as they have been in the last 14 years. They were talking about being 21 time World Tag Team Champions. They are truly showing how humble they are and how much they love doing what they do.
Back from commercial, we see MMG talking about their match tonight with Mick Foley. They are so confident they’ll win tonight. They said they would put up their IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championship belts if Mick Foley can beat them tonight.
Match No. 3: Scott Steiner VS James Storm
DW and Mike Tenay are joined at the broadcast booth by Team 3D as their guests. Brother Ray says he’s been a wrestling fan his whole life. He says that he can’t think of a bigger match than the Tag Team World Dominance Match taking place at Lockdown between Team 3D and Beer Money Inc.
Mike Tenay says this match is arguably the most important match in tag team wrestling history. It’s going to be the New Japan Tag Team Champions going against the TNA World Tag Team Champions in a winner take all…in Philadelphia of all places.
The match has been going back and forth. Steiner hits a clothesline on Storm and goes for a two count. But since Steiner is so damn full of himself, he has to break the count so he can do push ups in the middle of the ring.
Kevin Nash interfered, giving Storm the win. Steiner starts to beat Beer Money with a lead pipe, until Team 3D jumps in the match to stop the beating…returning the favor from last week.
Winner: James Storm
This is going to be one hell of a match between a great tag team and a very good tag team. Who will win? You’ll have to wait until April 19 to find out. Of course, Dozer has his opinions, but he doesn’t feel like dwelling into the future at this point.
Back from commercial, JB is on the set of the Beautiful People. Angelina Love is blabbing about how she wants to be TNA Knockout Champion.
Speaking of that championship…when did they start calling it the TNA Women’s Knockout Championship? Have you ever heard TNA or WWE calling a male wrestler a Knockout?
Match No. 4 Awesome Kong VS Angelina Love & Velvet Sky
The Beautiful People were focusing on double team moves in the beginning of the match. Does that mean those two blonde bimbos aren’t as stupid as they look?
Don’t be so quick to judge...Velvet Sky was attempting to pin Awesome Kong and Kong reversed it. Before she did that, Angelina Love started to walk away. So Kong gets a reversal and a three count…and Angelina turns around like "Oh My Gawd, what just happened?"
Winner: Awesome Kong
Heading toward the commercial, we see the MMG bringing their IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championship belts to the ring, and Mick Foley is bringing a barbed wire baseball bat. Why would the announcers point out the Guns are bringing their titles to the ring? Yeah sure they said they’d put their titles on the line, but they always bring their titles to the ring.
Coming back, JB is talking to Jeff Jarrett. He says that next week he will name the final member of his team for Lethal Lockdown. He said that he’s a former TNA Champion and he will face Kevin Nash next week.
Main Event: Motor City Machine Guns VS Mick Foley (First Blood Match for the IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championships with Sting as Special Enforcer).
Holy CRAP that’s a long title for a match!
Does anybody else find it funny Mick Foley is wearing a Leopard print suit coat? Foley has never been one to dress up, but he’s always had a few loose screws anyway. Jeff Jarrett declined Mick Foley’s "offer" to come down to ringside and watch the match, so it’s going to be Sting and Sting only outside the ring.
Foley was standing outside the ring, and gets hit with a dropkick to the arena floor from Chris Sabin. For an encore, the Guns hit Foley with a double Suicide Drive right into the security rail. Just when things are starting to get good, they go to commercial.
You know what that is? It’s a marketing ploy. They know you’re going to want to see what happens next, so they force you to sit there and watch five minutes of boring commercials, just to see a few more minutes of their programming.
This time it wasn’t so bad as they showed a sneak peak of Seth Rogan’s new movie Observe & Report. Dozer will let them off the hook this time, but next time…they WILL feel the wrath of Dozer and The Assassins!
We come back from commercial to see Mick Foley punching Alex Shelley in the face. Then they throw Foley into the ring post shoulder first. Then Shelley lands a top-rope missile dropkick right on Mick Foley.
Outside the Ring, Sting hits a Scorpion Death Drop on Chris Sabin. Foley takes advantage and hits a Double Arm DDT and pulls out his sock and clamps on the Mandible Claw on Shelly.
When he pulled the sock out of his mouth, there was a little bit of blood on the sock. The referee tried to stop the match, but Mick Foley wouldn’t let him, saying that he wanted to bust somebody open. So the match continues.
Then Foley grabs the barbed wire baseball bat and starts to rake it across Alex Shelley’s face in the ropes. At that moment, Sting hits Foley in the face with a steel chair. Shelley fell down but covered up his face to hide the fact he was bleeding.
Mick Foley didn’t think to do anything like smart like that. The referee saw Foley was bleeding from the chair shot, and he called for the bell.
Foley lost the match, but it didn’t quite live up to Dozer’s standards and expectations. He’s not saying it wasn’t a good match, he just wanted more because he’s a greedy bastard and wants everything to go his way.
Winner: Motor City Machine Guns (Still IWGP Jr. Tag Team Champions)
This marks the premier edition of "The Assassination Following the Impact!"
Will there be more in the future? There you go again wondering about the future.
What will it take for all of you to quit worrying about the future?
Don’t you realize it won’t get you anywhere in life? Obviously you don’t or else you wouldn’t be asking Dozer if he’s going to be writing another edition of "The Assassination Following the Impact!" next week.
You’d be going over this edition over and over, admiring the skill and craft that makes up an article written by Dozer.
You saw the Impact!, now you’ve seen the ensuing assassination; that’s all you’re going to see at the present time.
~Dozer~ (The Present)
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