As the first-ever B/R Fantasy Baseball season kicks off, I will be previewing one of the most dismal, fruitless, and awful teams ever seen by man.
This team's pitching is so bad, it will make the Lakewood Middle School Intramural Slow-Pitch team look like the American League All-Star rotation.
It's regular suspects on offense are so pathetic, they would get the mercy rule in a game with South Africa's second team.
They are the Leftfield Lunatics.
After a draft day that should be forgotten immediately, the Loons drew the fourth overall spot in the lottery. Who's counting anyway? It's not like the managers plan on discussing the draft.
After instant media criticism over some of their picks, the GM went into a Mike Gundy-like tirade, screaming for them to come after him instead of the players.
During spring training, most of the team trained with Barnum and Bailey's Flying Circus, ensuring that they were utterly unprepared for the upcoming season.
So, with no respect whatsoever, here is the starting lineup for the Goons.
Catcher Jorge Posada (NYY-C): He is so far over the hill that his best friend as a kid was Cloris Leachman. We expect nothing less than a couple 0-for-5 performances a week.
First Base Carlos Delgado (NYM-1B): This undrafted walk-on figured to start the season in low-A ball, but got lucky and made the roster. We expect a healthy dose of strikeouts from him.
Second Base Emilio Bonifacio (FLA-2B): He wasn't even a member of the team five days ago. We still don't know who he is, so check back later.
Shortstop Jose Reyes (NYM-SS): A mere roster fill-in for the time being. Expect him to be benched or demoted within the next week. We can't expect anything out of his bat.
Third Base Evan Longoria (TB-3B): No doubt the most overrated player on this team. He should still be in high school.
Corner Infielder Aramis Ramirez (CHC-3B): We really had no idea who he was coming into spring training. We were told by the media that he was a good addition, but they were probably from Chicago. It's not like they've won a World Series in the past hundred years.
Middle Infielder Troy Tulowitzki (COL-SS): Tulo-who? He'll probably be hitting in the tenth spot, often being benched in favor of a set-up man. From what we've seen, he couldn't hit a basketball off a tee with a 2x4.
Outfielder Alfonso Soriano (CHC-OF): Let's just skip this one.
Outfielder Curtis Granderson (DET-OF): We have a lot better options down in the minors...like a cocker spaniel. It's only a matter of time before Sparky gets called up.
Outfielder Hunter Pence (HOU-OF): He was at clearance price, so we had to take him. Forget the fact that he couldn't find the outfield if we gave him MapQuest instructions.
Outfielder Jay Bruce (CIN-OF): We liked his upside because of what he did in the little leagues last season.
Utility Vernon Wells (TOR-OF): Don't worry, we've already got him booked for an appointment with a below-average surgeon. That'll ensure that he spends the vast majority of the regular season on the IR.
Note: Most of the pitching roster changes on a daily basis. We like to get as many minor league wannabees into action as we can.
Mariano Rivera (NYY-RP): Never heard of him. Not even sure how he made it out of our winter league team based in Siglufjordur, Iceland.
Joba Chamberlain (NYY-SP): He's wilder than the chimpanzees at the San Diego Zoo.
Justin Verlander (DET-SP): See above.
Oliver Perez (NYM-SP): See below.
Jonathan Sanchez (SF-SP): He couldn't locate the strike zone if it was a pinata in front of his face.
Jered Weaver (LAA-SP): We think he might have come to the wrong camp. We're almost certain he was looking for a basketball court.
Kevin Slowey (MIN-SP): Another walk-on during spring training. We kept him because he has an awesome last name.
Paul Maholm (PIT-SP): A complete unknown. He's a mute. We only know his name because we stole his wallet while he was throwing BP to a crash test dummy.
Noteworthy Spring Training Roster Cuts
- Kazuo Matsui
- Barry Bonds
- Jeff Reboulet
- Larry Walker
- Larry the Cable Guy
- Anakin Skywalker
- Bob Saget
- Steely McBeam
2009 Manager of (Dis)Honor
Lloyd McClendon: We felt like Lloyd brought an excellent knowledge in the art of stolen bases, especially first base. He is the best in the business at swiping first.
Well there you have it...the 2009 Leftfield Lunatics. Our team payroll tops out at $5.99, and we fully expect to have staunch competition for last place in the league, mostly with the Tuvalu national team.
One of our most special promotions of this season will be our "Play 24-7" concept, where a random seat number an inning of every game. The lucky fan will get to play the position(s) of his choice during that inning.
Since we are already mathematically eliminated from 11th place in the league, we would encourage any fans to cheer for the opposing team.
After all, the games will be over by the middle of the first inning.
So if you enjoy watching a team get literally run over by a Metro bus on a nightly basis, you have found the right bunch for you and the Goon Squad thanks you for your support.
Now, if you'll excuse me, we're involved in some trade talks...So naturally, we found it appropriate to take the afternoon off.