Folks, here's what's about to happen: I'm going to rank Monday night's group winners at the Westminster Dog Show based on the chances I think they have of winning Best in Show.
More importantly, I'm not even going to do so ironically! Crazy, I know.
Anyway, I have no real idea how the voters decide these things, so I'll be going off categories like best name, fluffiness, adorable factor and probably fluffiness again.
Okay, so maybe this will be a bit ironic. It's a dog show, for heaven's sake—if you don't have a sense of humor about this, well, I just feel sorry for you.
4. Jewel the Foxhound
She's certainly a spry and regal pup, but she just doesn't have the fluffiness that I look for.
Sure, fluffiness probably isn't an official judging category, but these are my rankings, okay?
3. Honor the Bichon Frises
If you can look at Honor—whose real name is Vogelflight's Honor To Pillowtalk, ooh la la—without the word adorable popping into your head, you are probably a monster.
That said, Honor is a little too fancy in the grooming department for my tastes. The poor little fella just seems too high maintenance to me. I'm going to have to dock him points for that, even though it is completely and utterly out of his hands...er, paws. Whatever.
What can I say? My version of the Westminster is cutthroat.
2. Banana Joe the Affenpinscher
Yes, Banana Joe sounds like the name of a sunscreen or a really low-class cocktail, but who cares? This Banana Joe looks an awful lot like an Ewok, and that's instant credibility in my book.
Seriously, he's adorable, and he's a gamer, too, having won the toy group three times in a row. He has the face of a champion and the spirit of a spear-wielding warrior on Endor.
That's a deadly combination.
1. Swagger the Old English Sheepdog
First of all, this pup's nickname is Swagger, so that instantly makes him the most gangsta of all the dogs in the show. Also, he's super fluffy, and that's always a plus.
Honestly, do I need to say anything more than that? I think not.