A Few Lessons I Learned from the National Championship Game

I wont lie. I turned off my television at halftime of the National Championship Game between North Carolina and Michigan State. It was miserable. Just plain awful. But it did teach me a few things.

1. DO NOT buy into media hype.

All weekend long, like an idiot, I actually listened to ESPN and CBS as they made the game into a Cinderella story and subtly personified the economy as Cindy's evil stepmother. The fact of the matter is that external factors don't matter much when the ball is tipped off.

The city of Detroit is undoubtedly going through a rough time, and they have gone through many a struggle to be honest. I empathize with them, I really do. Being from Memphis does open your eyes to economic struggles, hunger, and homelessness. But to tie that in to a basketball game is ludicrous.

Believe me, if the economy in Detroit would be fixed by UNC losing, Roy Williams would have drawn up the "Bailout" play in which Tyler Hansbrough throws a pass directly to Goran Suton for the easy dunk every time down the floor.

2. Never, EVER, underestimate the power of a chip on a shoulder.

"We're baa-aack!" was the semi-homosexual greeting the Tar Heel starting lineup gave as their introduction started. But the fact is, they WERE back, and they weren't repeating the goose egg that was the 2008 Final Four.

Last year the Heels were embarrassed beyond belief by Kansas in the national semifinal game. The game was close at times, but mostly it was a romp by the Jayhawks. This stacked team of seniors made it their mission to redeem themselves and take a trophy home to North Carolina.

The pain and embarassment from the Kansas game was more than enough motivation to stomp on each opponent this time around. They wouldn't be stopped, and overall their NCAA Tournament performance was absolutely dominant.

3. The element of talent is vastly undermined by everyone.

Michigan State is a great team, and Tom Izzo is a great coach who belongs in the Hall of Fame. But North Carolina's talent trumps all. Michigan State just didn't have the players to beat the likes of Danny Green, Wayne Ellington, Psycho T, and, well, the other 52,893,562 McDonald's All-Americans Roy Williams has on hand. 

MSU made a great run in this year's tournament, but the men from Tobacco Road would not be denied. John Calipari told the Kentucky media in his opening press conference that there are three ingredients to tournament success: great players, great players, and great players. 

North Carolina just happened to have all three of those ingredients on hand.

4. Clark Kellogg is an absolute idiot.

This is probably the most important lesson I learned. His commentary made my blood boil and caused my TV to turn off. He is probably the biggest moron I have seen on TV. In the age of Flava Flave and Paris Hilton, that's really saying something. To further illustrate my point, here are a few idiotic quotes I have collected from the guy:

"Tyler Hansbrough just gave that guy a lower-body root canal!"- What the hell is a lower body root canal? I don't think they teach that in dental school.

"North Carolina is a great example of spurtability"- He should sign a deal with Budweiser in which he draws diagrams and illustrates "spurtability" with the moron that explains "drinkability."

"He gets a little pseudo-penetration"- I don't exactly know what pseudo-penetration means, but it sounds dirty. Oh Clark, you naughty, naughty boy.

"They've got to turn that turnover funnel off"- He meant to finish that sentence with "and get out that beer funnel! Chug Chug Chug Chug! Freshman! Freshman!"

"You've got to find him, then you feel him, then you take him for a ride"- at this point I'm starting to wonder if he and camera hottie Tracy Wolfson have something going on. Again, a very naughty, naughty boy.

"Danny Green is like baking soda, you can use it to bake things, keep food fresh in the refrigerator, and then it doe-"- No. Stop. NOW. I really think CBS keeps him because he either makes a good point once in a while, or maybe just for a comedic effect in case games are blowouts like last night's game. My gut says to go with the latter.

With these lessons taken, I can only hope that the average fan like myself can analyze the game better than before. This is all I have folks. I can't give you anything more. If you still need help, you know who to call. If anything, Naughty Kellogg will help you increase your repertoire of cheesy, nonsensical one-liners.