Just a few hours ago, WWE presented the 25th WrestleMania in front of 72,744 crazy monkeys at Reliant Stadium in Houston. Actually, the crazy monkeys were fans—but they (I mean we)—packed the home of the Texans and reveled in the awesomeness that is WWE’s biggest event of the year.
My predictions from last week were above average. I picked five out of nine matches correctly proving I really need to step my game up. Beyond the results, there were other winners and losers who need to be recognized.
Even if you don’t fancy yourself a wrestling fan, I’m sure you’ll find these individuals as deserving of recognition after you suffer from their greatness radiation poisoning. (Photos courtesy of wwe.com.)
Winner—Best Jheri curl and Mustache Combo—Primo Colon
Most people will remember the first match of WrestleMania XXV for the brothers Colon becoming the undisputed tag team champions. I’ll remember it for Primo Colon bringing back the Jheri curl/mustache combo. She’s a beaut.
There are a lot of people who would welcome Primo into their lives.
Winner—Best Use of a Midget—Mark Henry
Everyone loves midgets, especially little short ones. During the Money in the Bank ladder match (the only match in the world that reminds everyone where the money is), Finlay’s midget son Hornswoggle used the back of Mark Henry as a springboard to jump into the other competitors.
Interestingly, Hornswoggle was once believed to be the bastard son of Vince McMahon. I bring this up for no reason other than enjoy the fact that Vince McMahon was once believed to have a bastard son.
Winner—Best Reason to Use Midgets—They’re Funny
Winner—Best Screech Powers Impersonation—Santino Marella
Santino Marella is a man, but he dressed in drag and managed to win the 25-diva battle royal. It was the wrestling equivalent of Screech Powers being crowned Miss Bayside, ironic since both Screech and Santino are pansies. I could whip both their asses any day of the week, twice on Sunday.
He/She kind of looks like that Uma Pemmaraju from Fox News.
Loser—Worst Use of Time—Kid Rock
If Kid wants to sing to bring the ladies in the battle royal down to the ring, he needs to stop singing songs that were created over a decade ago. It would have made more sense for Kid to sing the Undertaker’s old American Badass song.
Winner—Best 50-Year-Old Arm Drag—Ricky Steamboat
Sure the three legends lost to the parasite-spewing Chris Jericho but at least the fans got to see Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat show flashes of what made him so awesome during his career.
Steamboat made the arm drag a believable and credible move. For that he should have a monument erected in his honor—some place that really appreciates arm drags. Just one arm drag-appreciating community honoring his arm drag. And man, what an arm drag it is. Just one crisp drag of the arm.
Loser—Worst suit—Men’s Wearhouse
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin is a big Texas redneck. He’s also my favorite entertainer. Steve shared the story during his Hall of Fame induction speech Saturday night that he really hunkered down to buy a suit for the festivities.
He went to Men’s Wearhouse, bought a tux, and then lost the lone button on his jacket.
Just minutes after his story was told, he chugged and poured Miller Lite all over his suit. Then last night he drove a four-wheeler down to the ring to drink beer at every turnbuckle then drive back up the ramp.
He is an honorable and jolly good fellow, and you should respect him.
Winner—Best Match—Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker
Everyone in the house was pretty damn sure the Undertaker was going to win, and by default, tie the '72 Miami Dolphins with a perfect 17-0 record. Though the Dolphins never competed in a WrestleMania, they did once lend Dan Marino’s Isotoner gloves to the Undertaker for a match against Kamala back in 1992.
But yeah, the Michaels/Undertaker match was 30 minutes of awesome. In a match when the outcome was pretty much a given, their work made you suspend disbelief (or belief depending on your perspective). Awesome, awesome stuff.
Loser—Spot Most Resembling Pancake Block—Unfortunate Cameraman
GET OUT OF THE WAY CAMERMAN! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
GET OUT OF THE WAY, DAMNIT!
Winner—Best Impersonation of the Ultimate Warrior—John Cena
Though the photo doesn’t show it, John Cena sprinted to the ring like one Warrior of yore. The difference though, is that Cena didn’t just get off the Weird Machine like Mr. Warrior.
Loser—Worst Use of a Peter Gabriel Prop—Randy Orton
Randall Keith Orton does not use a sledge hammer efficiently. Idiot.
Orton would get the sledge hammer reversal from HHH and suffer a main event loss. Idiot.
Oh and WWE grossed $6.9 million yesterday, setting a single live event record. Yes, WrestleMania XXV is worth $7 million. And WrestleMania XXV on DVD will be worth a lot too.
So will WrestleMania XXVI, live March 28, 2010, from the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz. Call your cable company or pay-per-view provider to order. If they tell you it’s too early, tell them they’re stupid.