Why The Chicago Bears Should Trade Jay Cutler Back, Part Deux (Satire)

Jeremy WilliamsContributor IApril 6, 2009

Yesterday, I described in great detail why Chicago should return Jay Cutler to Denver, using the latest technology in simulation software (Madden 2009).

Today, I offer yet another reason to trade Cutler back.

Steve Walsh, Erik Kramer, Dave Kreig, Rick Mirer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno
, Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Kordell Stewart, Rex Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson, Kyle Orton, Brian Griese,and Kyle Orton.

To put it simply, these names have been sold millions of beers at Soldier Field.  Bears fans, often, would buy 8-10 beers just to forget about the dreadful quarterback play. 

Cutler's play will cause a drop in beer sales at Soldier Field so significant, that I implore you to look at this list of possible outcomes that could occur from this loss of revenue.


1. Bears may have to relocate.

One of the biggest and most dangerous possibility stemming from a 98% drop in beer sales at Soldier Field is the Bears being forced to relocate.  Adam Schefter of the NFL Network reports Moline, Hegewisch, and East Chicago, Indiana as possible relocation sites.


2. Price of beer may increase.

The price of beer will increase from $7.50 a beer to $1,750.12 a beer to cover lost profit. 

3.  Jerry Angelo loses his car.

JA will have to use my Taupe 2002 Ford Taurus to get around, because he will not be able to make payments on his 1987 Delorian.


4.  Ed Hochuli loses his creatine.

The trickle down effect of Soldier Field losing beer sales affects refs also.  This results in Ed Hochuli not being able to buy creatine.  This, in turn, will bankrupt GNC.


5. Soldier Field Maintenance

Due to the lack of revenue, sod will not be able to be replaced.  Therefore, the McCaskey's will buy the green carpet used by miniature golf establishments, for turf.


6. Miller will pull its' sponsorship.

The only taker left to sponsor Soldier Field will be Hi-C.  This will be embarrassing to Bears fans (except my 7 year old nephew, he loves Hi-C).  Hawaii'an Punch will come close to getting it, but fall dollars short.


7. Footballs are too expensive.

When playing at Soldier Field, teams will be forced to play the Vortex whistler(see picture above).


Many of you wonder why ESPN's Mark Schelerereth (I hate trying to spell his tricky name) and Trent Dilfer are so anti-Cutler.

They have seen this list.

Any questions?

Oh, and Jerry, the keys for the Taurus are under the fake rock in the front yard.